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I did. I did. I got inked.
For past few weeks, I have been working towards this day. Convincing the family, convincing myself. So, finally it was time. Since Monday I was nervous, freaking out and kind of (SUPER) scared about today. But, I woke up with this thought that if I can walk into a tattoo parlor all by myself and get it over with, I could practically do anything else.
So, I did it. I drove to the Tattoo parlor, sat there and got what I always wanted…musical notes inked on my wrist. That’s another check on the bucket list.
While, I spent last few days breathing heavy and hard shifting from left to right with the anxiety I feel numb right now. Yes, I’m happy. No doubt. I finally have a story now, not that I don’t cause God knows I have a story but now I have a crazy and fun story. Like, guess what I did before I turned 30 kind of story. So yes, I’m happy and thrilled to have followed my heart. But, I don’t know why I’m not jumping. I should be, shouldn’t I?
It’s just that it didn’t feel any different. Not that getting a tattoo could ease the hurt but I thought it would feel different.
Though, I do feel proud of me. It feels like taking control of my life even if it’s for one day. Dude, a tattoo is no joke but I did it even when I had no one to sit there with me with a camera aimed at my am-cool-am-cool-oh-god-am-going-to-die face.
I’m so effin proud of facing my fears and fighting for what I wanted for so long. Truth is, I might not feel different about things in my head but I do feel brave. Cause I just got a Tat… and rumors are true.
Remember that day you sat there on your bed inking a tattoo on your wrist with a pen, because no way on earth could you ever get one for real.
So, don’t give up on dawn. Not yet.
Before I start, I am going say it out loud I saw Pitch Perfect today and I have no idea why it took me so long. It’s awesome. Being a Glee fan it’s no news that I love modern musicals.
So, America big day? Love is love and Ireland and USA are just where the world is looking at right now. Some with hope and others…well haters gonna hate. But it’s just amazing how we as humans are evolving and accepting that EQUALITY is not just a word. It’s a real thing.
And for those who wonder if they ever would see that word, its okay to be not okay. Sun takes time to shine, its dawn for people in America for now. World is taking baby steps and one day it would become what it was intend to be, at first place. One day world would be a free place with equality for everyone.
Right now, its 3 am the ghostly hour and I have so many things inside my head. I want to sit and talk to someone for hours, not listen but talk. Sometimes I really wish that the whole 3 am ghost thing would come true and some ghostly thing would come to scare me, I would make him or her sit and talk. I mean that’s the least he or she can do before scaring the crap out of me. Plus, ghosts won’t share your dirty twisty life stories with other people.
I’m just glad its weekend. What did I learned from past 3 days?
Gotham is turning more and more into Hunger Games and I feel less of Batman and more of Katniss Everdeen. I can literally picture myself with a bow and arrow while fighting for survival.
But then I can’t be Katniss Everdeen she is way too cool and I am one of those girls in the chick flicks who want to be friend with the cool girls. I’m not cool, I’m the girl who wants to be noticed by and be friends with cool ones. I’m not nerdy I’m just boring cause I don’t do the socially accepted definition of fun things.
BTW Anna Kendrick is so cool. Now I need to watch the part two.
I should go now cause I’m afraid one day God would fire a miracle gun towards me turn my life into everything I want, make me peachy and sunshine and rainbow, but I would not be able to cherish the Hey-I’m-Happy thing cause I would be dead courtesy lack of sleep. I read somewhere the amount of sleep deprivation that you give your body can never be recovered. Damn! Well I’m not here to sleep. I’m here to make faces at empty walls and wonder if only I was an artist. I’m here to wonder, sleep can wait.
Good night world and congratulations to America.
Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.
For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.
Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy
The carousel never stops moving
My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.
When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.
I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.
- Find as many new songs as possible
- Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
- Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
- Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
- Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
- Read as many historical fiction as possible
- Read at least one unread book in my book collection
- Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
- Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
- Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
- Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
- Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
- Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
- Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
- Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong
So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.
There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…
P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille
I hope there is a dawn for me and for everyone who needs it. It would be a waste of a good life that we have here if we give up on hope, even if we know its just a thread holding us for little more days or weeks or months or years. We are what we are, no one can change that and that’s what makes us special- our story. Don’t we all have one?
I have a story, a heartache, lots of issues and impossible & hopeless desire of a life I live inside my head. But I don’t ever want to give on hope, I want to believe that even though world is mean and hard and sometimes too racists or judgmental, but there are people who have nothing but love to give. I want to believe its okay to smile at others and at yourself for that’s how you make kindness survive among the seeds of hatred, sown up all around.
If you are someone who is hurting or wondering what is the purpose of anything or trying to hide those tears behind a still smile, I so so so dearly hope you would hold on to hope and smile and love yourself even if its hurting.
Maybe the world is dark and scary, but if you give up now or do not continue walking ahead how will you find kindness and people who would want to hear your story and fall in love with you despite every word you say.
Maybe happy endings are for movies but I hope you would still find a tiny little corner, inside your aching heart, for hope and a smile for yourself.
I hope you would learn to be kind to yourself…that makes a huge difference. Its okay to be your own person, your own super hero and your own Santa. If you can learn to love yourself and be kind to your hurting soul, you will find its not hard to hold on.
If hope is not your thing, if you are seeing the picture of life with all its
ugliness and sharp edges, just be gentle and kind to that person in your mirror.
Hanging on to the invisible threads of Hope…i wish you all
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The day world would stop judging or labeling love, would be the day of dawn…but sometimes i wonder if Dawn and Hope are nothing but just four letter lazy words…
Anyhow, i feel exhausted right now. mentally and physically.
I want a tattoo of “Dawn” and “Same Love” on my arms…
Maybe, the light at the end of the tunnel is a bright shiny 3D wallpaper…