Denial is the wine, sip it darling!!

I think I’m the way I’m for a reason and being the anomaly is not a curse but my what makes me special.

Maybe, inner content & my soul are parallel lines but what kind of person would I be if I didn’t try to make them meet. I mean sanity is dull and lethal. Denial sometime saves life. Imagine if I accepted end of tunnel is a wall, such fatality would occur inside and out.

Let me be the odd one & the one in denial, let me breathe some and some more.

Somebody made a movie on the voices…that’s new!!!!

Some days I’m so angry at everything and everyone that its hard to remember that I’m turning 30 and not 13. Its crazy, you don’t go rebellious and angry at this stage but I guess the voices in my head are living in denial. I’m just glad I was never this angry when I was a teenager, because I’m fairy sure that would not have gone well.

There have been days when I have slept thanking myself for not listening to me about punching the door or the table or the wall or any other piece of furniture around cause I’m not a real hulk, angry yes but not hulk strong.

So, today I watched Inside Out movie and while I was sitting there watching it I realized something ‘Somebody made a movie on the voices’. I wanted to laugh out loud (I cant use LOL. I’m old I guess) but I had people around. Movie was good but the fact that it was about voices inside the head made me love it even more. I’m pretty sure the ones inside mine are feeling like movie stars today. Now I know who controlled my day today the little red guy, I  just hope tomorrow its Joy’s shift, the pretty one with pixie cut. For some reason the red and blue ones have taken my console, wonder where is the jumpy fairy with blue hair.

Pixar Post - Inside Out characters closeup

Enough of me and my anger issues, leaving you guys with a good song. I’ve recently discovered Ben Howard and he is amazing.

 

 

Being a Superhero glorifies the lying…!!!!

For the first time in my life I finished a book in 2 days. Lately, I have been reading a lot, spending more time on books than TV shows or movies. I do allow myself occasional visit to Modern Family or Grey’s Anatomy but I am mostly busy buried in a book.

There is no answer to why. Lately, I don’t have any answer to any why. I have started doings things that I need to. I have begun working on a story that I probably would never finish and even if I do, I won’t ever share it with anyone. Again no answer to the why.

I’m just glad I have Agnes Obel because sometimes Avril, Brandi and Gaga sound like a lie. Music can be weird. Agnes makes feel the reality like it should, like a skin; all over me. I’m not in denial, I’m just living as Hyde and Jekyll or as I prefer to call it Batman and Bruce Wayne syndrome. That sounds better considering the fact that it glorifies my pretenses. Works magically on my self esteem.

Sometimes I wish I was a pianist or a violinist. I don’t know why but I think it’s the warm and kind embrace behind an instrumental music that makes me wish I was good with musical instruments.

I finished Someone Named Eva, The Girl On the Train and Annie On My Mind. All 3 of them were really good. I have this weird wish to one day visit Auschwitz, don’t know why but a part of me wants to pay my respect there. I know sounds weird for it’s not a name someone, who hasn’t been anywhere outside her country, takes for a foreign trip. I do have NYC on my mind all the time, but I wish to see myself in one of the camp sites in Poland and in Amsterdam where Anne lived.

There is no purpose of this post, I’m just sitting alone in my room and its 3 in the morning the ghostly hour. I felt like talking. At first I almost picked my diary. I feel unsettled despite the fact that the day was good, I saw HOME movie and spent rest of my day on my sofa reading and reading and finishing the book.

Tomorrow I shall search for more books because I just have Code Verity left now and I’m afraid I’m going to be soon left with nothing to read. I do not wish to go back to the TV show addiction. They lie. Books lie too but you know it’s a book, with TV shows you tend to forget the faces are actors who are nothing like the characters they play.

Got to go now.

Goodnight world!

The Fault Is Not In Our Stars, But In Ourselves…!!!!!

stars_selves

I don’t know how good is the movie based on the “Faults in Our Stars”, but I’m glad i read the book first. I always prefer to read before i watch the movie version. Sarah’s Key, Not without my daughter, The perks of being a wallflower , The book thief and The girl with the dragon tattoo are few such books i read first before i saw the movie versions. I rarely make good decisions but there are exceptional days.

So how was the book “The Faults in Our Stars”? Well, sad but humorous. It’s hard to show death in a humorous way. Death isn’t a topic people prefer to talk about but the characters in this book aren’t living in denial. No one is. The kids and the parents are all well aware of the dark cloud hanging above them all.

It’s a beautiful story with young love, metaphors, teenagers, friendship, Amsterdam, mom, cancer, crazy humour and a weird but comforting relationship of happiness and sadness without denial or hope being around.

I’m not good with book review like some people are. Seriously, writing a review is a hard thing and requires great talent. So, all i can say is its a good book. I was under the impression that it was another predictable story with a dying young girl in love with a young boy. Probably because i have had seen a movie with the same theme (wont name the movie in case you are planning to watch it), but to my surprise this wasn’t the case.

Best part was that while i took 3 days to read 160 some pages, i finished the remaining book today. Gosh, im getting better. I’m so glad my TV Shows are on break.

My next book is “Number the Stars” by Lois Lowry.

Dear Brittany Murphy…!!!!

I don’t know what I want from life, I really don’t know. Because I can’t seem to break out of my bubble and accept life the way people do, the way it should be. I am hiding in layers of denial with every cell in my body hoping for a movie like miracle to stop the world from crashing down on me, even though I know that’s how the story would end. I would be bulldozed by reality.

Sometimes I miss writing diaries because that’s where I can actually be all pitiful and pathetic. Well, truth is writing diary only would make me more sad because I would open up for real and I have seen every time I have tried to open up I couldn’t shut up. I remember when I once had a moment of truth sharing with a friend, it felt so good because I spoke my heart out about things hidden inside punching me from inside so they could just carve a hole and get out of me. For first few days I was happy I found someone to talk to and then I realized there was this need to talk and talk and talk every day every second of every hour. I realized it wasn’t good. All I wanted was to talk about myself and my pain, I just couldn’t think about anything else or anyone else.

There is this thing about pain, you have to share it to a level where you can feel better but that’s it. Releasing the years of pressure accumulated inside fast and quick would drown you and the other person in it.

Why can’t I just give up and be the world wants me to be, normal and uncomplicated?

I have started reading “Love letters to the dead” and its quiet similar to “The Perks of being a Wallflower” which is good in a way. I love the latter one. If I had to write a letter to a dead celebrity, I think I would choose Brittany Murphy because of Uptown Girls and Girl Interrupted. Being someone who spends a lot of time with fiction shows and movies, I have this thing with the characters. I love them so much that I wish they were for real.

I could also write to George Mallory because man I need to know what happened to him. Amelia Earhart.

I have to go now, I need to read and then sleep.

The more you sleep and rest the better you fake smile. True Story.

Goodnight world!

On journey from Denial to Acceptance, life serves you crazy cocktail called “Mixed emotions”…!!!!

Last night i had a karaoke night in my room, as i danced and sang to loud music from the speakers in my room. I used my television remote as my fake microphone while jumping up and down on my bed late at night.

My mom was worried i was going to break something in my room, my father was worried about neighbours complaining about loud music at that time of the night. But it was so much fun and rejuvenating.

I don’t know what triggered it but i had the best karaoke night because i danced like no one was watching, because no one was watching. I do this dance on my bed session alot but usually on a weekday.

What can i say, between Denial and Acceptance there is a long journey of mixed emotions and crazy moments.

I have been having a very busy time at Gotham and even though its killing me, im happy about it. You cant afford to think and go wailing because your mind is busy working. Nice deal. Even though bottling up emotions is a recipe for disaster it always works well for few good drama free days.

I should do more of this my-kind karaoke nights, at least i will get some kind of exercise while im trying to break my bed. No tv episodes isn’t that bad but im afraid with no internet, i might not be able to complete this year’s NaNoWriMo or worst take part in it. Lets see, even if i don’t i will start writing as soon as im back.

Got to go, busy day tomorrow plus i feel exhausted.
Goodnight world.

Sometimes i wish i was more expressive and less walled up. Sharing and expressing is a good thing and i wish i could do that. If only i wasn’t the mean angry Hulk anymore, who enjoys long drive, buying coffee, shopping for books and dancing to music…all alone. If only i wasn’t the “my own favorite person” kind of person.

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