Fell & bumped
It’s not you
& bandaged soul
There is no wind today
Tomorrow will try again
In her stubbornness to fly
The shackles making her stay…
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Voices: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: In my room, why what’s wrong?
Voices: (Rolling Eyes) Everything
A conversation I had with myself today and I realised I see nothing for me; I’m just waiting and watching for what’s coming. I might be angry with the world for not being the place for me; I’m highly disappointed at myself for fiddling with a White Flag. Yes, that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m sitting with a White Flag on my lap and waiting for my crutches of hopes to break and fall. I may be doomed and I may be struggling with my thoughts about hopes and miracles and silver lining, but I’m not letting my despair take me down so fast.
I don’t know what kind of day it would be tomorrow, but I do know one thing and I know it very well. I’m sending Jane Doe to a publishing house, something I have been ignoring for long now. Rejection is the worst thing that could happen and not sending is REJECTION in itself.
I don’t know what tomorrow has in mind for me, but I have a plan for tomorrow.
Me: Why are you smiling?
Voices: We can be inspiring
Me: really? Where do you go when I sit with the stories? Haan?
Me: Thought so…
Today I had a moment where I wanted to quit my job and become a bird watcher or an environmentalist. I wanted to learn all about environment, birds, trees and the green world and do what nature followers do. Not that I’m saying their job is easier than mine, in fact I think it’s too difficult to be them.
Reason I said I wanted to a nature observer was because I wanted to go outside stay in the open feel the air, instead of being stuck in a small depressing cubicle where all I do is put on my headphones to give people sign that I’m busy, whereas I’m just dying inside of nothing.
I often like to take a break and walk up to the window in our washroom to just look outside and feel the sun-rays and greenery of a tiny little tree at the backside of our office. Weird?
I think I know why I’m having trouble fixing me, why it’s different his time. My crazy part and my rational part are sort of in a tug of war and end result I’m fluctuating.
Sunday I did something stupid, something that can be easily described as carelessness. Although the blunder I did was amusing to people with me, I couldn’t find it amusing. All I wanted to do was scream out loud at myself. I was like “What d fck is wrong with you?” It was a classic example of how much I’m lost lately.
Sometimes I wish I was a singer, because singers are awesome people. I mean Avril, Adele, Gaga, Brandi and all those amazing people who live in my phone are like so awesome. I wish I could sing and express everything that I feel. I mean I know I can write but still. Which reminds me i still have no story, I mean I had but I don’t have it anymore. Why? How? Simple, my story that I was very happy to come up with holds so much resemblance to Dominique. Everything I think of is being overshadowed by Dominique. I’m just too invested in it.
Voices tell me to quit NaNoWriMo even before it has started, but I’m not giving up even if I end up writing crap I will write everyday till I can. Like I said before if I’m going down, I’m doing it my way.
There is no good at keeping fake hopes, believing in dawn and thinking someday someone will rescue me from the lies. Truth is I can’t lie to myself anymore, not even pretend for my sake. I will walk the road like everyone else, play with their rules but even if i say “i quit” i will never stop dreaming cause you can break my bones, take my hope but you cant take my dreams away from me.
My mind has been going crazy with everything that’s inside me, at one point I thought it was going to burst into million pieces but that’s when I found my saviour. My best friend asked me and I spoke about a lot of things especially about the last night. When you see someone in pain, someone who can’t be helped what do you do? You tell them you love them anyway. She did that and it felt good. It always makes it easy when you know someone is looking out for you. Only problem is, at the end you are at your own care.
From where I’m sitting I can see pieces of my heart on the floor, on the bed, on the chair…it’s everywhere.
Today I realized what I wanted to say last night…I’m not you, deal with it…!!!! But problem is I couldn’t say it yesterday, I can’t say it now and maybe never.
Good news is its Friday tomorrow and just 9 some hours to go before I can actually drop all my masks and fall on my bed break into thousand pieces of despair. I think I should sleep for 10 hours straight to get myself back on board. I’m so numb with lack of sleep that I don’t even feel sad anymore, I don’t feel anything. Just one more day of Gotham. You can do it Little.
I’m looking forward to spending some time with Dominique and new idea for NaNoWriMo…it will cheer me up a lot. To be honest, all I wish to do is stay in my room and do a marathon of Winona Ryder movies.
Better go now; I’m already not able to focus at work. It’s like I’m there yet I’m not there. I’m talking to my team but I’m not there. I’m sitting at my computer looking at the screen, but I’m not there. Where have I gone?