A part of me can see the future or can predict it but that doesn’t mean im a psychic. I’m just a girl who knows more about life than she shows. Truth is every smile is an effort to walk a little more because deep down i know there is no Dawn.
Some days i just want to talk and talk and talk it all, every single word inside me wants to come out because the pain is tearing me hurting me. But i just sip another cup of coffee, watch another episode, read few more chapters and then bury my head into endless number of songs.
Genie in the bottle, Santa Claus, blue fairy are all as real as me being a super hero.
Some days i feel angry for being different, for being so complicated and i just hate myself but there are days when i just want to hug myself and tell myself i’m a good person. But how does it matter? How does any of it matter, when there is no miracle or dawn at the end of the tunnel?
Man! i guess its the lack of sleep. I better sleep or i will turn angry Hulk, im already a sad Hulk.
All those posters and sayings of “Be yourself” makes me even more angry.
Today I was googling something and somehow I ended up to a story of a 15 year old boy Larry King. He was shot twice by one of his school mates who was also a young boy.
I don’t know much except what I could find on Google. Prosecutors believe it was a hate crime because Larry was Gay and different from other kids, wore makeup and dressed differently. Defense says the kid who shot was often teased and provoked by Larry.
Isn’t it sad. Gun violence, hate crime and everything that we get to read. When did a kid turn into a killer? was Larry killed for being Gay? I don’t know. My point is when I read such stories I wonder if we as the people could do something to save the life lost. Whether Larry was provocative or just an innocent kid struggling with his teenage life being different from others, he didn’t deserve to die. And the kid who shot could we have stopped him? Why did we hand him access to a weapon. By WE I mean the people around, school teachers, parents and everyone who was part of what happened to two young boys. One lost his life to death and other lost his to result of his actions. Why couldn’t we save them both?
This happens to me alot when I read about such incidents, specially about suicides. The only thought that comes to me is “couldn’t it be stopped?” I wonder why wasn’t any body looking closely enough to know it was time to intervene or help.
Maybe my understanding of the whole case is less or even wrong, all I kno it’s sad how we fail to protect our kids by not intervening when one is bullied, teased, provoked or abused and we give them what they should never have guns.
Sorry for blabbering, but reading about a kid losing his life for being Gay made me so sad. So sad. I have read about kids who have taken there life for same reason and today all those stories came back to me.
Just one of those days when I wish I was a superhero for real, because world needs one. Hatred has killed compassion and violence has suckerpunched greatest gift to mankind “life”.
Nobody deserves to die for being different…life shouldn’t be so cheap.
I’m like one of those toys that come with a manufacturing fault. Like a Teddy Bear whose one ear keeps falling.
I’m not broken, don’t try to fix me just take me as I’m.
If i a have choice to be born as someone else, i would probably not take it because i have had a good life so far and the people i have in my life are my life. But, some days i do wonder what if i had choice to not be me.
Lying all day all night, pretending and faking has made me a bitter and mean person which kind of hurts people and me too. I realise how i have become the bad guy among people in my life, directly and indirectly. Either they don’t know this maybe or they are just not sure how to fix it. I wasn’t this bad-ass mean person; i was once a girl who was nicer. Before i became the misfit, before i found out why i always was different, before i found how i can never be a part of sunshine world, before i realized how i am two different person in one body – one is what im and one is for what people want to see. Before all this, i was quite a nice little girl with not a single bone of meanness inside her.
Since im kind of cranky right now, i think i shouldn’t write much so im going to leave two songs i discovered and cant stop listening to. The one by Lesley Roy is probably written for me. I think even if i delete everything and just upload this one song, you would get my state of mind cause the lyrics are just i want to say.
This second one is probably way better than the original one. I think this guy has sung better than Bob Dylan and Adele. I cant stop listening to this one even though i am all Hulk right now. Right now, i feel like Kathleen Kelly from that scene where she closes her shop, walks home and sits alone in a corner with a soup bowl wondering where to go from there, feeling all lost and beaten by universe.
There is a reason why I love going to movies in cinema halls, its one place where I can actually be among people and yet go unnoticed. Sometimes when I’m sitting in the dark with everyone focused on the big screen even my friend sitting next to me, I relax take a deep breath and take my eyes off the big screen and go into a thinking mode. I like to do that when the movie is kind of boring. The whole movie background noise helps my thinking, while I’m busy doing talk-to-self thing.
Anyhow, there is a problem. My mind.
I know I know, you will say Little isn’t that an old problem? But I’m not saying ‘My Mind’ as in all sad and blue mind, I’m saying ‘My Mind’ as in terms of a confused mind. Here I am sitting alone at my room and I’m like what to do?
Mind – Oooh! Watch a movie. You have so many
Mind– No no wait. Finish Arrow. Just few episodes left
Mind– you know what? Fck the movie and shows. Write. Work on your story.
Mind– Edit Jane Doe. Dude! So much work left.
Mind– wait you can write down the scene you worked on mentally while working at Gotham, when everyone was thinking you were busy working. Man! You are multi talented.
Mind– But if you will work a new story, who will work on Jane Doe?
Mind– Hmm, if you do not want to work on Jane Doe. Guess you should go to Dominique. Don’t start new story now. It’s too confusing.
Mind– What’s the time? Oh! You should just leave everything and read the novel maybe.
Mind– But you know if you play a movie now, you can finish it in decent time.
Mind– what decent time? It’s so late. Just watch TV. See if there is something on. Watch something and then sleep. Maybe Modern Family is on or Big Bang.
Mind– you know just let it all go and write. Work on the new story I know you want to do that. One page won’t kill you or anything else. Plus it’s too late for movie and you are too sleepy to read the novel. Do you even remember the name of the characters? Guess not.
So finally after debating and discussing and wasting all my night just thinking about what to do and not to do, I finally ended up writing 600 words of a chapter of a new story. Don’t have a name for it right now so we shall call it ‘The Story’. Its 3:30 now and I think I don’t know what was I doing till now. I guess I will now sleep. I don’t know maybe I should just watch one episode and sleep or I cant simply read a chapter and sleep. For sure I can’t edit Jane Doe at this time of the day with my eyes flickering like a bad bulb from a scary movie scene.
Got to go. Goodnight World!