Thankyou #DigitalDaggers…

Last night I wrote 1300 some words for Dominique part II, yes you heard it right. I still haven’t finished the Part 1 and now I have few pages for part 2 with me.

What? how? why?…well, for past few months I have been struggling with a block because I had stories inside my head but I couldn’t write them down. Just couldn’t. There was this one particular story that I narrated to a friend who loved it, the concept. He asked me to work on it, because he would love to read it. So I thought cool I can do that. But I couldn’t. I would sit and stare at the plain MS word document.

Yesterday I had a dream, true story, I’m talking to some writer don’t know who and I’m asking the person how do you work on a book when you have two or three different stories banging and colliding with each other in a tiny head of yours. I woke up with no answer, I went to work, I worked, I sulked, I drank coffee and I listened to music and BANG #Epiphany.

Universe from some corner threw an idea to me. It hit me and I was like “That’s it”. I mean here i was listening to Digital Daggers and i just saw the whole story right in front of my eyes with the song being a perfect background score.

So simple, I had it all right in front of me. I merged the two stories because come one weren’t they meant to be. The story goes like this -you can’t work on A cause you are thinking of B and you can work on B cause A is still at the back of your mind. So you club A and B…TaDa!

So my friends, I think I’m back…I think…Cheers…

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Little needs Defibrillation…

I’m so glad I’m out of the zombie zone I was in, yesterday. Has happened before too and it always leaves me wondering how powerful a mind is, if it decides to shut down there is nothing you can do about it.

Lately, Gotham is going super busy which leaves me all exhausted by the end of the day which kind of is keeping me from blogging and from my latest resolution. I have decided to work on Jane Doe again, sort of re-work. I want to do changes, major ones to send it again and hopefully this time it would be more presentable.

I can’t work on Dominique, Crossroads, New York and the other untitled story I have in my laptop knowing I failed with Jane Doe. Knowing that I could still try to work on it, fix it, re-brush it and send it again. I keep thinking about how writing was my one true love; something I used to love doing no matter how crazy things have had been but now its one thing I can’t do. I don’t know if its the rejection of Jane Doe or the fact that my stories are not what people would like to read.

I only write about scarred souls, people with tragedy and revenge and death is often there. I like to write tragedy and I know I’m not a good writer, heck I’m not even a story teller. But I like to write. So, here I’m doing one thing that I like, write. I have decided to get back to Jane Doe, cause I want to believe trying one more time is what I need.

I might never get any of my work published but I don’t want to say I never tried. I don’t have much regrets in life, trust me. I mean my life is one hell of a drama but I have never done anything to regret except one or two stupid things. Not writing because I won’t make it would be a regret I don’t want in my resume of life.

Plus, this is one thing I need to do to stay sane, to stay alive…So i will write…

Scarred souls are the steering wheel of fictional dramas

Date with Meg Ryan on a Saturday night…!!!!

Last night was fun and just what I needed because I had a super tiring and exhausting day at Gotham. Saturday is supposed to be my day off but yesterday I had to work and it was very busy day. So I came home kind of tired, my neck was killing me and I was like “I need my Saturday”. But I can’t get my Saturday now, not till next weekend.

So, I sat with my headphones and did what I love the most, a movie marathon. I watched two back to back Meg movies. First one mad me cry like baby, I was crying and wiping tears off my face worried what if my brother walked in the room. Don’t want to be the girl who cries watching movies. Second one was my happy movie to counter the heavy emotions of first movie.

Movies I saw were Courage Under Fire and Kate & Leopold.

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I truly believe Courage Under Fire is one of most underrated Meg movies, probably because it’s more of a Denzel Washington movie. Its one movie I can’t watch without crying just can’t.  I mean every time I watch it I end up being a cry baby wiping her tears with sleeves of her sweatshirt. Yeah! I cry when I watch a movie but that’s just between you and me. When her character says “No Surrender” I pretend she is saying that for me when I’m ready to give on my sanity.

I have decided to catch up with Meg movies that i haven’t seen for i don’t know what reason. That’s how my Saturday nights are going to go now.

I have been also listening to this one song again and again. I am not a Taylor Swift fan but there are few songs of her that I love including Mine. I think Mine is a beautiful song but I love its Glee version more.

It’s Sunday and tomorrow I have Gotham again which makes me sad because my weekend was a tiny little glimpse of sunshine. I wish life was like Kate & Leopold, where I could just find true love and leave everything to follow my heart. But that’s where reality and movie differ, the ease of finding happiness, love and happy endings.

I would now like to use my few hours of Sunday to work on one of my stories. I just realised I lost few pages of Dominique when my laptop crashed few months back. Made me so so sad.

Wishing you all a Happy Sunday…

Little is awesome but Little cant, just cant, sleep on time…

Well guess what…i have the title for my story for NaNoWrimo even though I’m still not sure if i can work but hey i have a story, a name and a song. Can do lot with those three things.

Once a class mate from college said that she noticed something in my stories, she said that every story i have written has someone dying in it. True. I don’t know why i never noticed that before but maybe it’s because i write suspense and tragedy together. Most of my stories are drama with darkness in them. A friend of mine was, few days ago, discussing a show with me and said that she finds that little too dark and i realised isn’t that what i write.

Maybe i could have been a happy writer if life would have been different but then i realise if life was sunshine i wouldn’t have been a writer at all. I found writing when i realised im different from everyone.

Today im so tightly wrapped around my darkness, my truth and the pain that it is hard to imagine a life without it. I mean a Sunny Shiny Me? How weird would that be?

I wish i could remember my first story but i don’t. I do remember that i started writing in 9th grade, poems, stories and my daily diaries. Because i was an angry and lone teenager back then who always used to be  fight at home and feel that her family doesn’t care. Not true. My anger is still alive but now i know why im angry and at whom. Im not angry at my parents or my brother or my friends, im angry at the world in general for it is biased and racist and judgmental and lives on rules carved on stones.

My most favourite poem, as written by me, is titled Castle and i think i still have it somewhere. Also What’s my Diagnosis? Is one of my favourite poems. I like Jane Doe but i think my favourite story would be Dominique or Crossroads, if and ever i got to finish them.

I have an idea; i am going to create a different page now with my poems. I don’t write much poems but i do have few that i am proud about.

Voices: Hey Writer Girl

Me: What?

Voices: We think you made your point

Me: And what would that be?

Voices: You love writing. And you are awesome. Seriously?

Voices: Are you going to make a song on it next? A love song for you by you…maybe?

Me: Rude

Voices: Boring and Creepy and Weird…really very weird…

Me: What do you want?

Voices: Didn’t you just book online movie tickets for tomorrow evening?

Me: So?

Voices: Hmm, nothing just…

Me: what?

Voices: Its 2:15 am, you will sleep by 2:30, get up late, go late and that would mean…

Me: Feck…that would mean i won’t be able to leave on time for my movie.

Voices: Whoa! You do have a brain. You should use it more often.

Me: I should get a lobotomy

Voices: Because?

Me: You guys live in there

Voices: Whatever…2:18 am…Tick Tock Tick…

Me: AAAaahhh….aaah smiley

 

 

hAPPY & bLUE…sO WHAT’s New?

So i spent half of my day thinking about the episodes, seasons and movies that i could choose from for Friday night…Elementary? Suits? The Lying Game? Big Bang Theory? The Killing? Winona Ryder movie? Jodie Foster movie?…And i end up doing a marathon of S3 PLL…!!!!

Have you ever envied someone else’s sadness? I have. Sometimes when I hear a friend talk about something that makes him/her sad, I silently wonder if I could have their sadness and let go of mine. Crazy? I know. Pain is pain, small or big. Mine is comparatively the smallest one in the whole world but the fact that it lives inside me all the time makes it feel big so big that I don’t know what to do.

Though I’m in a happy mood right now, I don’t know why I’m talking blue. Telling yourself ‘you are a good person’ again and again is a lonely and sad thing. Sometimes when I do something good, even a tiniest good deed, I end up thinking about it again and again wondering if people notice. Why? I want to assure myself I’m a good person, I’m not a bad soul and I deserve to smile too.

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2-3 days back a friend said something about some TV show which hit me hard. It was a harmless conversation about TV shows and all and then the friend said something, totally unrelated to me or us but the comment fell on my pain. It happens when you hide things  people end up walking over your pain because they don’t know it is hurting.

I have a busy weekend but I hope I get to write few page of my story. Today I was thinking about Dominique a lot and maybe I would be working on it because I miss it. Actually I miss being honest and myself, I pretend all day all night but writing makes me honest. Dominique is the most honest work of mine because it has a story I would like to share but wouldn’t dare to.

So now it’s too late to watch the Winona Ryder movie that I downloaded because a part of me wanted to watch her movie. I thought about watching “Reality Bites” or “Little Women” again but then I found a new movie. I can do a Winona and Meg Ryan marathon anytime.

Its 3:30 AM and I don’t want to fall asleep, I want to stay awake, I don’t know why. I just want to sit and talk, since I can’t talk to anyone I’m babbling here. I finally finished my Mary Higgins Clark thriller and it took me ages. I used be such a quick reader but it was like a long time ago.

It’s going to be a busy weekend and I’m hoping to take out time for a movie because I need a large screen fiction therapy. I think I can manage one episode before I actually turn off the lights, pilot episode of ‘The Killing’ maybe.

Goodnight world!

Little had a beautiful birthday weekend…!!!!

A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.

My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.

I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.

I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.

Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.

Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.

Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.

Goodnight world!!

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Some days i tell myself it rained for me…!!!!

Today was a good day because I had fun, because I was with friends, because it was raining and because I was driving through puddles of water splashing water and screaming like a kid.

Some days I’m happy because I’m living inside my head, a world away from the one in front of my eyes and then there are days I’m living in past, the faint memories of good days that went by in a jiffy. Today was one such day; I was having fun and remembering good old days when a day like today was every day.

Right now I wish I was with my brother on his trip, but I’m not. He and my cousin are going to Srinagar the most beautiful land I have ever known.

Break, vacation, holiday…3 words I haven’t been friends with for long now. Some days I wish I had time to just sit idle all day, waste hours and not worry about it because I had time lots of it, to waste. But then I cant sit idle.

You know some of the very good publication houses don’t take unsolicited work which means I can strike them of my list, because I don’t have agents or money to hire one. I may never become an author people would recommend but I want to become an author, one who got published.

Life doesn’t look good from where I stand but at least I can say I went down fighting, right?

Most of us don’t realise how quickly life changes because we are too busy mixing up with and adapting to the changes, new faces, new routines and the new world. This is where I end up being the last one standing, because when these changes cover my world I can’t stop pushing myself to the place I was standing.

Today I don’t have any episode to watch so I’m wondering, book? Download some episode? Watch one of the movies on my laptop? Write a new story? Edit Jane Doe? Watch TV? Or just lie down with my headphones on?

I am enjoying the weather, because monsoon is like the best time of the year. It’s rainy, windy, chilly and nice. If you know what Indian summers are like, you will love monsoon too.

A cup of coffee, a rainy day, a slow day, laptop and headphones…just few of the things I want. I hope I get it tomorrow, I hope it rains again tomorrow; I hope I can just be me and have some Me-Time tomorrow again.

Today I was sitting alone in my car, waiting for my friends, and I saw this street dog and I was looking at him and smiling. A part of me wanted to just go and hug him, something that happens a lot. If I could I would hug every dog I see. Because I can’t hug mine, I can’t. This is one void that will hurt me forever even if I get my Dawn, even if life gives me a miracle and I end up happy. I don’t think I can ever stop missing Snowy.

I got to go, hope it will be a rainy day tomorrow because I need it to be, because I am a sad soul who looks for tiny little happy moments to recharge the inner awesomeness.

Goodnight World!

P.S i think i will write something anything, Dominique maybe.

Thankyou & Happy Valentines….!!!!

Past 2-3 days have been kind of hard on me and I wonder if it would make me sound crazy when I say “I’m blue because my Snowy is old, ill and going to his vet everyday”. Truth is on Tuesday when doc said that he cannot be operated upon because of his age and medication is all we have, something hit me hard. It’s like people are giving me that look where they don’t want to say it but are saying it. That night I cried and so I didn’t blog or even read (so much for the book challenge). I couldn’t stop the tears as I tried to sleep. So now every time my dog poops everyone in my family breathes a sigh of relief, especially me. I may pretend to be okay but I’m not. I know some people might think he is just a dog but its breaking my heart.

Anyhow, since he is little better today and since its Valentine I must talk happy right? Yep. So before I forget Happy Valentine to all of you. It was just a normal day for me, in fact I have been skipping my lunch time and going to Snowy’ Vet for past 4 days now and I did the same today. But I did celebrate with coffee and donut and loads of love songs in my phone.

Fact that I’m in no celebration mood makes me happy that all my friends were busy today and I had no plans. I needed me and I got that. Truth is I wake up 2-3 times in night when I realize he is trying to get up because I’m afraid he will fall. He can hardly walk straight now.

Okay sorry I went back to the sad topic.

So now the big thing, blog birthday. Three years ago I started a blog because everyone was blogging and I wanted to blog, share my views, talks about things the way I see but then life scored over me and I stopped blogging for a while. I did blog occasionally but not that much. I never followed anyone, had no blog friend back then and there weren’t many followers for me either.

One fine day I said good bye to my diaries and took over blogging religiously because I needed to write, talk and share but only about things hurting me, voices in my head, my obsession about being a super hero and everything else in and around me. I soon found people, nice people, who started talking to me, liking my posts and visiting me. Best part was I started following blogs and people who made me see world like I hadn’t seen before. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cheating on my diaries but then I guess I’m and there is nothing I can do about it now. My only regret is I ended up giving my blog address to so many friends back when I started it and now I wish I hadn’t.

Someday, someday, I wish to talk about the real thing but till then I rather vent out about my day, the voices, my awesomeness, my secret love story, the dawn, superheroes, Dominique, Jane Doe, music, fiction, my ability to not sleep on time and everything that I love.

Blogging made me meet NaNoWriMo, which made me write Jane Doe. A novel of my own. Ultra crazy.

My blog posts are mostly blue, rarely do I write something happy and romantic, yet I’m loved by you people. Little is so so thankful to you all for being there. ..

thankyou

The most appropriate song right now is

But since its Valentine i will share some of my favorite happy love songs with you people:

Truth is im romantic somewhere inside but im so blue that all my emotions get clouded with agony and anger. I once had a dream and i think i posted about it too; in this dream i was getting married to someone i loved and i was happy. I have never been so happy in a dream because i cant remember any dream as clearly as that.

Someday i wish life would let me fall in love, no adjustments, no sacrifice, no more lying, just love true love with honesty. Till then i have hope and dreams, i mean i can live all my love stories in my dream and no one can take that from me.

There may not be a Dawn, but there is a dream of You…!!!!

Some traditions are born out of necessity …!!!!

Friday morning I wake up with something inside me telling me “Hey there, just 9 hours and you can do it…just 9 hours”. I wear a smile to shift focus from my sleepy and tired eyes, walk around like the hot-shot team lead, throw orders and come back to my seat check for mails and when everything is okay, I put on my headphones and whisper to myself “Just 9 hours, you can do it”.

Thanks to my new tradition of Friday night episode marathon, I now walk through the whole week saying the same to me “Just 5 more days, you can do it”. Here is the thing, I don’t think I can survive if I don’t write Jane Doe, Dominique or anything else, if I don’t carry my headphones around, if i don’t watch episodes with fictional characters, stories and emotions, if I don’t pamper myself with unhealthy junk and give a secret self pep talk in my head.

Yes, I’m that girl who wants to make it but has to do it little differently. This song “Just give me a reason” is stuck on my mind.

Right now I’m at peace. I would like to say goodnight and go back to my episodes. Tomorrow I work on Jane Doe and on Sunday I get my much needed haircut.

Goodnight world!

P.S i think i have uploaded this one before but i like this one.