Do not disturb! Little is busy drowning in self pity.

If I could go back  and meet the 5 year old me, I would just hug her and tell her nothing. Don’t want to scare a little girl by telling how painful being a grown up is.

I wish somebody would hug me right now and say nothing, not that I don’t want them to scare me it’s just that I’m pretty much aware of my worst case scenarios. A hug without words wouldn’t change nothing, but I still could use one for no reason.

At least kids have the luxury of having invisible friends, grown ups just have to end with a sad blog, a sad song and a comforting cup of coffee that would hurt later even more.

Just in a self-pity and I-hate-the-world mode…

Imagine ‘Two beds and a coffee machine’ being played in the background…

Another ditch in the road you keep moving, another stop sign you keep moving on…

I would like to believe somebody somewhere is singing a song for me, even though they don’t know me. Maybe a Brandi Carlile song ‘Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain’.

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RIP Robin Williams…sorry, we couldnt save you….!!!!

Tuesday was a heavy day with something hurting inside so bad that I could hardly keep my face straight, all I wanted was to cry but with the job of being a Super Hero you don’t get to take off your mask not until you are back at home and all alone. Only Alfred gets to see Batman as Bruce Wayne and in my case no one because my Alfred was my dog who isn’t here. God I miss him.

So, I don’t know how to say this but news about Robin Williams kind of hit me hard and not because he was a great actor and I have seen his movies. It’s because of the cause of death. Suicide. Has always been a touchy subject for me, always. People who die because they are hurting are people who drowned because no one could save them.

He was the funny guy, who spent all his life joking and making hilarious faces to make others laugh and smile, while grieving inside all alone. Some people struggle silently and try to keep themselves floating but in the end they get drowned and nobody gets to save them. Why? Why can’t we save people who are in pain?

Why is sadness so colourless at times?

Why do we believe that someone who is smiling all the time isn’t capable of feeling pain? Why some people cant find voice for their inner struggle?

I don’t know why but when I hear about a suicide it kind of makes me sad in a bad way, like we failed a person. Suicide scares me because mental illness is for real, it’s not Santa Claus and not many people like to accept it. Some people might prefer to call it selfishness and cowardliness but when a person is so hurt that dying seems the only way out, he/she needs help not lecture.

Robin Williams had his demons and yes he died because he drowned in his darkness, but he would always be remembered for his act of spreading laughter and smiles. If only sadness had a colour or smell, if only mental illness came with big blinging sign boards that said “SOS”. Truth is not everyone gets to show the hurt and darkness, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I know people were sad or surprised or shocked but i was hurt in a different way. For me the news was beyond a celebrity losing the battle of depression, for me it was loss of another person to the hardcore reality of sadness.

Pain, sometimes, has tendency of sticking to people in a way where it becomes a part of their existence.

 

Drowning in self-pity…!!!!

I can’t explain today I can’t, it’s a weird day. Probably, I just need to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. I’m stuck inside the house, inside me, inside a trance. Trapped in a self pity phase where I’m bitter and angry at everyone else for the world is moving on and pushing me and dragging me along, not waiting for a second to take a look at me. I’m like girl in a crowded super market who is surrounded by busy shoppers trying to move ahead, left and right for time is precious, but no one sees the little girl who is lost and stuck and scared.

I am mad at myself for wasting the day, lying on the couch all day feeling bluest version of blue, not writing, not reading, not moving just not doing anything but feeling weird.

Last night i saw a movie “Now is Good”, very emotional and heavy movie. I was crying and i hate it when a movie does that to me. Anyhow, i need something to make myself get out the weird trance im stuck in. Maybe i just need to let the day pass by, maybe tomorrow i will wake up better. Who cares.

 

 

 

All I needed was a hug, but I managed with Uptown Girls…!!!!

Sometimes a part of me tell me to grow up and accept things and the fact that there is no Dawn.

Have you ever watched a movie in a movie hall without even watching it? Like you are looking at the screen but you arent actually watching it.

Today I went for this sad romantic Hindi movie with my friend. When the movie got over I saw two girls on our right crying with tears flowing…real tears. Then I realised they were not the only one crying. A couple sat hand in hand, girl in tears and many more were busy grieving the death of the hero in the movie who committed suicide leaving the heroine alone to live a better life, for she deserved better.

So when I told my friend (who was watching this movie for the second time) that there wasnt a single scene when I felt like crying she looked around and jokingly called me insensitive. We laughed and walked out.

Truth is I wasnt even there during the movie, my mind was lost. How I wish I could tell my friend that I didnt cry because I have already cried for the day. I cried when I was taking shower to get ready, when I was tying my shoe laces, when I was combing my hair….i cried alot even more than those girls in the cinema hall.

Truth is I wish I could tell them that hero’s suicide didnt make me sad cause I was angry at him for doing so, cause I had a thought like that today.

Im not insensitive am broken and drowning.

Today life hit me with reality again. Truth that miracles, dawn and happy endings are part of a world I dont belong to.

I have to go, but am okay now. Feeling so much better after watching Uptown Girls. I cried again when the movie finished but these were tears of happiness. I love this movie. Love Brittany Murphy in this movie.

Goodnight world!!

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