And so it continues from day to night, dusk to dawn….!!!!

Everyday while staring at my computer trying to make sense of things, i promise myself i would sleep early tonight. I swear no more episodes and only bed time reading. I promise i wont sit in front of Youtube and do nothing but click Play. I promise i would write a page or two of Jane Doe and review. I promise i would wake up and play or workout.

Every night as i sit gloomy and tired in my bed staring at my laptop wondering why i feel what i feel, i play episodes after episodes to drown myself into another life. I dive into world of Youtube to find songs and videos to keep my mind away. I look at the blank word document wondering what on earth could i write or review when i cant feel the story. I beg myself to not wake up early for i don’t care if i get fat or whatever.

And so it continues from day to night, dusk to dawn….!!!!

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She waits…!!

I see her, as she waits standing on the other side of road. She is all alone and everyone standing next to her is crossing to the opposite side. She wants them to stay, but her voice is weak and no one is looking at her. She still has few people around her, but she can’t help but feel the need of running to them, begging them to stay. She has a bus to catch, a decision to make, but she can’t make her mind. She can’t get aboard she can’t stay behind alone, what now is all she can think of. Sometimes, as she sits and waits for the bus, she wishes she was anyone but herself. Sometimes she envies everyone that walks by, without even knowing them. She has no luggage and no one to sit and talk with. She gets up and walks a little shifting from one foot to another; she wonders why every face she knows is on the other side of the road. Can’t she just go away from all of this, run away to life beyond this place, a world where there are no decisions, no judgement, no faces scrutinizing her and no eyes hating her? She looks at people left at her side of the road, would they stay if she asks them to. Can she hold them tightly and tell them she needs them? Will that bus take her to a happy place? Can’t she just let it pass and walk away? There is a decision to be taken, but she waits.

From dusk to dawn, she sits there, walks a little and waits. Looking out at the sky she sees time passing by, days turning into night, people eyeing her but she can’t feel anything other than nothing. Even when the sun hurts her eyes, she is in darkness. She doesn’t need rain to wet her cheeks, and needs no winters to feel cold. She needs no money, no luxury and no diamonds, she wants a small house, people who will stick to her side of the road and a light stronger than sun, so strong that can wipe out darkness in every corner.  She needs a miracle, she tells herself as she waits.

She sometimes tries to picture herself on that bus, walking with the decision and living in a world she doesn’t belong to.  Often she wonders why can’t she hug herself and feel better, like she feels when people she loves hold her. Face in her mirror asks her if she is okay, she wish she had an answer but she doesn’t. So she doesn’t look in the mirror, never looks into the eyes of people around and doesn’t even faces a crowd, as she walks with her head down.

The winds gets chilly, the sun gets hotter, rain drops are cold and winters makes her shiver, but she doesn’t move cause there is a bus to take, a decision to make. Every face she knows is walking away to the other side of the road, waiting for her to join. She waits, wait till the last second, she still has some faith left in her pockets. She knows there is no other road to take, but she waits a little more. She waits..!!