Quarantine love…!!

I want to write you a letter and ask you what is the color of sky above you, is it crimson blue or can you see streaks of dark clouds ready to move in with cavalry of thundering ones. The letter would ask you if the birds are happy there and chirp like they should and request you to find time to walk out to wave at the Moon, stuck in the solitary confinement of gaseous void. Amid the textual inquery of the sky and land, I would let you know what a dreary evenings I endure with all the other such lengthily written but unsent letters lying next to me.

How do I tell them, what a tragic world it is where words and letters like emotions are bound to obey the draconian law of truth. But like each written heartfelt conversation, this one would too end with still here, still yours.

Ramona and Beezus…!!!!

So, I was feeling all down and blue and I for some reason I started craving for a good movie. You know that feeling when you get a craving for a specific snack and all you want is just that snack, nothing else not even your other favorite food items but just that one thing. It was like that. 

Suddenly my mind was like ‘Little watch French Kiss or Uptown Girl’, so I’m like okie dokie. But to my horror I couldn’t find them in my collection. I was shocked, surprised and a little darker shade of the blue I was earlier. So I’m searching, and searching, when I ended up finding this very sweet movie Ramona and Beezus. 

I have already seen it a couple of times and that’s why it made me happy when I found it. And then bam, just like that I now wanted to watch it. 

Not sure if people have liked this one but it is such a sweet movie. It’s about a 9 years old super hyper active little blue eyed girl Ramona and her family; her sister Beezus, aunt Beatrice, her cat Picky Picky, her baby sister and her parents. Ramona has a big imagination, creative mind, larger than life view of tiny stuff and she likes to invent words. Like Terrifical. It’s a good word, don’t you think. 

But, unfortunately her too much energy always lands her in trouble making her an infamous troublemaker. This is a story of a 9 years old who is adored by everyone even Beezus her high school sister, who Ramona thinks of as the perfect girl. Ramona makes me want to go back to being a 9 years old and even a troublemaker, for worst she did was throw some good number of paint cans on their handsome neighbor’s car that ended up looking like an Easter Egg with four wheels.

Don’t you love movies that have power to make you cry and smile, even though you’ve watched it so many times that you can literally deliver the next dialogue before the lead character in it? 

I was happy crying and now I wonder if there was a reason I couldn’t find both French Kiss and Uptown Girl. Which I’m sure I have.

If you need something sweet innocent and stress free then my friends I recommend Ramona and Beezus. 

Goodnight world!

a heartbeat inside my ribcage…

I sat there with a glass in my hand staring at the faces I didn’t know too well, it was a party I went with a friend of a friend. All I wanted was free liquor and maybe someone to take home for the night. Music was good, so was the crowd. I scanned faces but none appealed, not even the most breathtakingly beautiful ones. Something was off, my own self perhaps.

And then she walked right in front of me. Tears dripping slowly, like a painfully beautiful river flowing under the starry night. There was a man, they held hands yet they were fidgeting with unsaid words and said ones all at the same time. I looked, I stared. She stared back. I didn’t flinch, I was held right there by her. Pinned by her gaze. Something she wanted to say, something I wanted to hear. She stood there staring and I sat there shivering.

A sly smile, an excuse, she whispered words and walked away from him towards the corner. Not far but right there in my vision. She wanted me around, I thought, and so I did with my eyes. Sobbing silently she stood with back of her head pecking the wall and I knew I was gone, from her mind and sight. While she battled her demons I fought my urge. Strangeness hovered, my throat dried, ache strangled what I felt for the first time a heart inside me.

Lowering my eyes, I touched my chest. There was something living inside the cage and I felt it like I never did before. Raising my eyes I found hers again, even the curtain of tears did nothing to diminish the magic pull. I followed with steps, slowly but steady. We stood hands apart, nobody was breathing. Cornered and next to the wall, we did nothing but stared right into each other’s eyes.

Beating too hard a noise broke the silence, a heartbeat. Mine or hers, was hard to know from whose inside came the thunderous sound. And then the world drowned; the noise, heartbeat, the ache, the eyes and the face vanished, as she held my face in hers and kissed me consuming all my reclusiveness.

Just like that she walked away, not before she kissed my eyes that I failed to open even when she was gone. Finding my balance against the wall, I smiled and cried all at the same time. I knew we were going to meet again, I knew I was ruined for life, I knew I would go home alone tonight and for every other night until her eyes find mine, again.

So this happened yesterday. The story. Slept too late but was worth it. This song below set the mood for the scene.

Thank you for letting me be your human!!!!

Yesterday I lost my puppy and it’s hurting like hell. You think you know what losing a dog feels like because you’ve lost one before, but you’re wrong. It hits you with just as much force as it did the first time, leaving you gasping for air.

Every day when he was on that IV looking at me with lost and scared eyes, all I could wonder was what’s going on inside his head. Is he thinking that it hurts and his humans are not doing anything? Was he thinking please make it stop? We tried puppy, we did. We just couldn’t make it better for you. We were hurting too. We still are.

Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for the 5 months, thank you for making me want to come back home every day. Today I walked inside and almost yelled ‘Lily I’m home’ but I didn’t… I just stood there in pain realizing you’ve gone.

My brother always used to say ‘Stop calling him Lily, you’re making him a girl’ but I don’t know why I couldn’t stop calling Leo Lily especially when I was trying to pet him. When I would scold him I would say Leo no but when I would kiss him, pet him and spoil him I just automatically end up calling him Lily.

My little baby shark, eat machine, doofus, Voldemort and chuck. God! I had hundreds of pet names for him. Now I’m left with just mental snapshots of his last two painful days, the sad scared and hurting eyes staring at nothing. I so badly want him to come back and its okay if he wants to eat my socks, destroy my slippers, tear up the pillow and not listen to me every time I rolled my eyes and said ‘Leo sit please just sit’.

People ask me are you okay and I say I’m fine but little sad. Truth is I’m not sad, I’m something else. The emptiness I’m feeling right now is crazy, feels like somebody is punching me from inside. How can you be okay after losing a little kid? For 3 days I have been picking him up, driving to Vet, cleaning his blood, touching his forehead asking ‘Leo baby what happened’, begging him to get better, asking God to make him better and then I saw him take his breath. I told the doctor that wait I just saw him move, check again please. He did, again and again for me.

Lily I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it okay for you, couldn’t stop the pain. I’m so so sorry puppy. I will always keep you in my heart. Always.