Thank you for letting me be your human!!!!

Yesterday I lost my puppy and it’s hurting like hell. You think you know what losing a dog feels like because you’ve lost one before, but you’re wrong. It hits you with just as much force as it did the first time, leaving you gasping for air.

Every day when he was on that IV looking at me with lost and scared eyes, all I could wonder was what’s going on inside his head. Is he thinking that it hurts and his humans are not doing anything? Was he thinking please make it stop? We tried puppy, we did. We just couldn’t make it better for you. We were hurting too. We still are.

Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for the 5 months, thank you for making me want to come back home every day. Today I walked inside and almost yelled ‘Lily I’m home’ but I didn’t… I just stood there in pain realizing you’ve gone.

My brother always used to say ‘Stop calling him Lily, you’re making him a girl’ but I don’t know why I couldn’t stop calling Leo Lily especially when I was trying to pet him. When I would scold him I would say Leo no but when I would kiss him, pet him and spoil him I just automatically end up calling him Lily.

My little baby shark, eat machine, doofus, Voldemort and chuck. God! I had hundreds of pet names for him. Now I’m left with just mental snapshots of his last two painful days, the sad scared and hurting eyes staring at nothing. I so badly want him to come back and its okay if he wants to eat my socks, destroy my slippers, tear up the pillow and not listen to me every time I rolled my eyes and said ‘Leo sit please just sit’.

People ask me are you okay and I say I’m fine but little sad. Truth is I’m not sad, I’m something else. The emptiness I’m feeling right now is crazy, feels like somebody is punching me from inside. How can you be okay after losing a little kid? For 3 days I have been picking him up, driving to Vet, cleaning his blood, touching his forehead asking ‘Leo baby what happened’, begging him to get better, asking God to make him better and then I saw him take his breath. I told the doctor that wait I just saw him move, check again please. He did, again and again for me.

Lily I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it okay for you, couldn’t stop the pain. I’m so so sorry puppy. I will always keep you in my heart. Always.

Recipe of me…!!!!

Mix few glasses of anger

With little swagger,

A jar of tears

Salty yet so clear,

A spoon of awesomeness

A bag full of emotional mess

Few cups of hopelessness,

Pain and sorrow

One box each

10-12 glasses of fear

Some scream some screech,

½ a cup of fault

All the parts

Of a finely shredded heart,

Garnish it with anxiety

& breathlessness,

Pinch of stress

And perfectly cut pieces

Of facelessness

emptiness

& lies,

Stir it neatly

And you might

get it right,

The recipe

Of creating me….

 

 

 

Step one, step two, step three…step thousand & eighty three…!!!!

She has been walking

For hours

For years

All alone

For miles

Yet its the same

The road

The sky

The load

Of her emptiness

Is her only

Companion

Her Oblivion

Is her only friend

So much walking

She finds herself

At same place

With no grace

She is a face

With questions

She throws

At the birds

The crows

The wall

The sky

And then few more steps

Few more turns

She stifles a cry

Drags herself

From left to right

All alone

With heart so

Heavy like a stone

She is bitter

Punished by her own existence

To her

Nothing makes sense

Where and when it all began

The plan

Of universe

The mess

She has fallen into

Step one

Step two

Step one thousand & eighty three

When will she get free

For she wants no more

Of hopes and words

Sticks and stones and swords

Mean nothing to her

For

She fears the unseen

She wince

In pain

I quit she says

Yet she stays

On the road to nowhere

So much of moving

Still is here

She never moved

She never will

Standing still

Even after years of struggle

In the misty road of pain

She snuggles

up to herself in vain

How long has she been walking?

How long has this sadness been stalking?

She asks once more

She has lost the count and score

It comes back to

Step one

Step two

Some more tears

Another silent sniffle

And step three

Step four

Hundred more

To go

Thousands more to count

While she continues to mount…!!!

Some days I miss you more than others…!!!

Some days I miss you more than others and today is one such day because I can’t stop getting sad about losing Snowy. It’s like it happened today and my heart hurts so badly that I kept on saying ‘I want a dog’ again and again to my mother and I picked up a fight despite the fact that I know we can’t keep a dog right now. I was being stubborn because I was hurting, I still am.

All I want is to hug him once, just once, but I can’t do it not today, not ever. The pain came crawling to me when I parked my car outside this cafe to get me a cup of coffee; I saw this dog sleeping on the corner. I had a bread with me so I walked up to him and gave him the bread piece, he woke up and looked at me with those eyes…eyes that made me want to hug him, hug every dog in the world because I can’t hug  my Snowy. I walked back to my car and kept looking at him with tears in my eyes and he was looking at me (probably confused why I woke him, because I don’t think he even looked at the bread with his sleepy eyes). I was sitting in my car crying because suddenly I couldn’t stop missing Snowy, suddenly I realised I miss him and nothing in this world can bring him back, suddenly I realised no matter how much I beg  I can never see him again.

Somehow I feel no one can really get this emptiness; I mean my friends and family I know I lost something very dear but I don’t think they realise how a part of me grieves every second.

I feel tired now with the crying, worst once the tears came out rolling and i wiped them I realised I hadn’t washed my hand after eating the chilli pickle. Damn! My eyes.

I’m almost done with Sarah’s Keys and its very touching and gripping novel.

All those stories of holocaust and gassing chambers; we haven’t learnt anything. Did we? No. Because we still have religions fighting, we still have hatred; we still have countries despising their neighbors and people being enemy of each other.

Guess I’m too sad today.

Goodnight world!

I need to spend more time reading…!!!!

I should sleep right now but then I guess little writing would be good for me too. I had a good weekend, relaxed, slow and less stressed which means I can be brave enough for Monday and the rest of the days before I go back to my weekend.

I finally finished “The Perk of Being a Wallflower” and like I said before it’s a nice book, at least for me it is.  Every page of the book was like reading about me only in different circumstances with different loved ones and friends. This is the second book that I have related to like this, first being The Diary of Anne Frank. I guess it’s the way these books were written, the format of writing letters or diary and the thoughts of a teenage boy and girl. Because, I recall writing like that in my old diaries about people around me, my friends and myself.

There is line at the end of the book says something like “there are people with worst things in life happening to them but it doesn’t change who you are or what you are going through”. I think that’s what the line was trying to say. Why I liked it? Because I have everything a job with good salary, loved ones who love me and I’m healthy yet I can’t stop my sadness, the emptiness or the darkness. Maybe my reason is small and maybe compared to others I have more than I deserve but I still feel the pain. Maybe my reason is a dot but when it hurts it hurts. In one chapter, Charlie got stoned and wrote about how he feels when he goes blue and it’s hard to feel good. The way he described it I realized I kind of feel that way too.

I think I love the way Charlie sees his friends and family in the book, especially Sam. His vision of friendship is unique and so innocent. When Sam said that he keeps others happiness above his and that’s not love I realized what she meant, but isn’t that’s what makes Charlie different from Patrick, Craig, Peter and everyone else?

Tomorrow I plan to start reading Fountainhead and I am also going to order “Sarah’s Keys” to read.

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