like a paper boat stuck behind a rock in the river…

Sometimes i dream about people i dont even know. Someone i never met. I mean sometimes these dreams are so real, yet i have no idea who the people are im with. This morning i woke up to such a dream, it was a tragic and sad dream but it felt so real and thus scary.

Anyhow, i have had a very lazy weekend. I didnt do much, except having coffee, going for long drive by myself, finding me junk food, reading a little, watching lots of episodes all night long, sleeping all afternoon and for a change i did spend time walking, rope-skipping and running a little.

I think im going to be very sorry for saying i hate winters because im already hating the early summer. It was so hot all day but thing is right now its all rainy, windy and good outside. Im already dreading the months of May, June and July.

I’m taking forever to finish “The Book Thief” and my writer’s block is like a disease i cant get rid of…

Little has a crush on young Robert De Niro, but she is still team Jodie Foster…!!!!

It was a very very busy and exhausting day at Gotham, infact this whole week has been tiring. And, unfortunately, there are still two more days to go before I get my weekend. I dont know if I can make it another two days.

I need a haircut, a weekend, a day in my room, an episode marathon, some writing, loud music, cup of nice coffee, book shopping…that’s it for now.

Truth is my list of things I need or want is pretty big, but I cant even make it as small as one word.

If I can get my dawn, I think I will be okay. But freedom comes with a cost and I dont think I can afford my independence.

On a brighter note, let me tell you something that you didnt know. I saw “Taxi Driver” and Its lot different from the kind of movies I see but Robert De Niro blew my mind. Im all team Jodie Foster. The woman is role model and a brilliant actress. Period. But when I saw Taxi Driver, my eyes were soley on Robert De Niro. Okay firstly his work was really nice and secondly he looks so bloody good looking. I have never seen any of his old movies, so I have never seen him young. Young De Niro can beat any guy today.

Yes the movie was little too dark but the work put in by Robert and Jodie is brilliant. Not my kind of cinema but good cinema. My kind of dark movies are Girl Interrupted and Suckerpunch.

Got to go now.

Goodnight world!

P.S tell me names of old movies that are worth watching. I have heard about Breakfast at Tiffanys is good.

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hAPPY & bLUE…sO WHAT’s New?

So i spent half of my day thinking about the episodes, seasons and movies that i could choose from for Friday night…Elementary? Suits? The Lying Game? Big Bang Theory? The Killing? Winona Ryder movie? Jodie Foster movie?…And i end up doing a marathon of S3 PLL…!!!!

Have you ever envied someone else’s sadness? I have. Sometimes when I hear a friend talk about something that makes him/her sad, I silently wonder if I could have their sadness and let go of mine. Crazy? I know. Pain is pain, small or big. Mine is comparatively the smallest one in the whole world but the fact that it lives inside me all the time makes it feel big so big that I don’t know what to do.

Though I’m in a happy mood right now, I don’t know why I’m talking blue. Telling yourself ‘you are a good person’ again and again is a lonely and sad thing. Sometimes when I do something good, even a tiniest good deed, I end up thinking about it again and again wondering if people notice. Why? I want to assure myself I’m a good person, I’m not a bad soul and I deserve to smile too.

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2-3 days back a friend said something about some TV show which hit me hard. It was a harmless conversation about TV shows and all and then the friend said something, totally unrelated to me or us but the comment fell on my pain. It happens when you hide things  people end up walking over your pain because they don’t know it is hurting.

I have a busy weekend but I hope I get to write few page of my story. Today I was thinking about Dominique a lot and maybe I would be working on it because I miss it. Actually I miss being honest and myself, I pretend all day all night but writing makes me honest. Dominique is the most honest work of mine because it has a story I would like to share but wouldn’t dare to.

So now it’s too late to watch the Winona Ryder movie that I downloaded because a part of me wanted to watch her movie. I thought about watching “Reality Bites” or “Little Women” again but then I found a new movie. I can do a Winona and Meg Ryan marathon anytime.

Its 3:30 AM and I don’t want to fall asleep, I want to stay awake, I don’t know why. I just want to sit and talk, since I can’t talk to anyone I’m babbling here. I finally finished my Mary Higgins Clark thriller and it took me ages. I used be such a quick reader but it was like a long time ago.

It’s going to be a busy weekend and I’m hoping to take out time for a movie because I need a large screen fiction therapy. I think I can manage one episode before I actually turn off the lights, pilot episode of ‘The Killing’ maybe.

Goodnight world!

Anger is one friend i cant get rid of…!!!!

I don’t like weddings, no big secret for people who are really close to me but the very fact that I hate weddings is also the biggest lie of my life. Anyhow, problem being me is that I can’t make myself to be happy for others either, I mean it’s just every time I’m in a situation where someone is getting married I project things in a different way like it’s happening to me and boom…panic attack, anxiety, inability to breathe and uncontrollable urge to be stupid.

You know those people who drink or smoke to get over their stress and anxiety? Yeah! I envy them because I have nothing to get over my panic. I don’t smoke or drink and would never do; even endless cups of coffee, junk food and episode marathon do no good to me. Well at least it’s not doing anything right now.

Apart from my personal reason, I don’t like a wedding environment for one more reason. Relatives and their judging looks, a lot of people I know in my family are really good with comparing things, talking behind the back and family gossips. Super.

Today a friend of mine was kind of upset and taking it out on me, for a minute I lost my cool because I wanted to tell her to stop it. Because I know she is sad and is hurting but at least she can cry about it and take it out on someone, I can’t. I’m sad, I m so blue in a bad way but all I can do is nothing. But then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and realized it’s not her fault that she isn’t asking me why I’m sad, she doesn’t know and will never know.

Next 7-8 days are going to be very difficult because of the family wedding that is happening in my city.

My Brother: Yay! It’s going to be so much fun.

Me: Nodding

Voices in my head: See him? Yes! That’s how a normal person reacts.

Brother: Everyone is coming

Me: Nodding and smiling just a little

Voices: Yes! Keep nodding. That’s all you know.

Problem is I’m losing every piece of sanity inside me and often find myself being the girl I was once. Oh I hate that. I want to be the grown up I’m suppose to be but I can’t.

Anyhow, I just hope I will survive the next few days of wedding, guests, relatives and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened to me? When did I become this girl? Wasn’t I the kid who used to cry when a family summer holiday used to come to an end and I had to say goodbyes to my cousins? Oh I was such a cry baby when I was little; I hated it when family trip to my cousins during school vacation used to come to its end. Look at me now, I am dreading the family reunion, facing my cousins, the same family members and having a good time.

Because a lot has changed and I’m not that girl anymore who liked making friends; now I’m a 27 year old messed up woman who lies and pretends because the world doesn’t want to hear her story or help her.

I know I know, I sound angry and sad. I’m but I will be okay all I need to do is sleep it off. I have been dying to talk about things but I just am not able to do it.

I don’t want to stop believing in miracles or having a hope but I’m kind of starting to do so!

Some traditions are born out of necessity …!!!!

Friday morning I wake up with something inside me telling me “Hey there, just 9 hours and you can do it…just 9 hours”. I wear a smile to shift focus from my sleepy and tired eyes, walk around like the hot-shot team lead, throw orders and come back to my seat check for mails and when everything is okay, I put on my headphones and whisper to myself “Just 9 hours, you can do it”.

Thanks to my new tradition of Friday night episode marathon, I now walk through the whole week saying the same to me “Just 5 more days, you can do it”. Here is the thing, I don’t think I can survive if I don’t write Jane Doe, Dominique or anything else, if I don’t carry my headphones around, if i don’t watch episodes with fictional characters, stories and emotions, if I don’t pamper myself with unhealthy junk and give a secret self pep talk in my head.

Yes, I’m that girl who wants to make it but has to do it little differently. This song “Just give me a reason” is stuck on my mind.

Right now I’m at peace. I would like to say goodnight and go back to my episodes. Tomorrow I work on Jane Doe and on Sunday I get my much needed haircut.

Goodnight world!

P.S i think i have uploaded this one before but i like this one.

Date night with Fiction…!!!!

I watched Vampire Diaries and then 2-3 episodes of Gossip Girl, now I’m on break checking my blog before I go back to my episode marathon. I have Grey’s anatomy, Glee, Revenge, PLL waiting for me. What crazy? No no no, I assure you this isnt crazy. This is just a means of stopping crazy to get to me.

Anyhow, before I go back to my date with fiction I thought I will tell you how I survived the day. Well, simple some music, some more music and more. Every time I found myself slipping into blues, I did the self pep talk. Telling myself I was doing well, the smile was perfect and its just few hours to go. Truth is at one point when the clock said just 2 hours more; I actually found myself happy which is nice because I kind of don’t remember what happy spells like.

Singers like Ke$ha don’t give my kind of songs, but they do give music that gets you through a Friday. So I successfully survived the day and now I’m back in my room broken and hurt. That’s why so many episodes, because I want to live in a world that doesn’t hurt. I want to get lost in stories, characters, fiction and a different world.

I think it’s the whole mood thing, I’m having too much of doughnut, chocolate, Nutella and anything that is sweet. Not good. Not good. God! I need to quite chocolate and start working out again. Monday I will do just the same, but till then I have a recovery phase to go through.

So I’m going to work on my stories and listen to as much music as possible, stay lazy and dirty.

To Me,

It’s okay to fall. Even when you are down and blue, you smell of awesomeness. It’s okay to hurt. It might not get better but you are a good person.

Myself

See, this is what I do. I talk to myself and try to pick myself from the ground, but sometimes its take time. I am going to crash and burn every thinking cell in my brain with all night episode so I go to sleep with no, whatsoever, recollection of last two days. I can’t afford to think that makes me sad.

Before I go there is a post I want to share you guys:

http://renatafbarcelos.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/indiesforward-what-if-you-couldnt-promote-your-own-book/

I hope, wish, someday i would get to feel the rush one gets by getting his/her own book published.

Goodnight World!