Hi my name is Little and I’m an addict…only I dont do drugs

No I dont do drugs, not a drinker and never smoked a pot but I’m addicted to stories in Tv Shows, books and movies. My latest addiction is The Fosters and I’m in love with the show and every single person in that show. I cant go back to my book or my stories because I cant get myself away from the The Fosters Marathon. It brings a smile to my face. I love Lena and Steph and Jude and Mariana and Jesus and even the reckless & in love Brandon & Callie.

Sometimes when I read a book or watch a show with a story that has heavy human emotions, relationships, drama and all hardcore family or friendship element, I kind of wish I could just close my eyes and step inside the story, to live it & to be one of them.

Because fiction is the only place where its okay to be the messed up one.

And I love love love this song from the show…

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French Political Prisoner with no French…!!!

It was a good weekend, because I had one of those very rare family movie day where I actually watch a movie in a theatre with my whole family. It’s a very rare phenomenon and very exhausting one but it always makes me feel a little happy, because of the very fact that we don’t do it much.

Apart from the family movie, I have had a weekend where I have spent lazy moments on my sofa with my book. Just pure laziness and book reading. I wrapped up Rose Under Fire.

This is my second Elizabeth Wein book, after reading Code Name Verity I fell in love with her writing. Rose Under Fire starts where Code Name Verity ends, so of course I was expecting to read more of Maddie but this one wasn’t about my favourite pilot Maddie, this was about another pilot who loves poetry as much as I love escaping into day dreams.

I admit, at one point when I realised it wasn’t about Maddie I felt little disappointed because a part of me still lives in page 285 of Code Name Verity but then soon I was drawn into Rose’s Ravensbrück journey.

This one is about French Political Prisoner 51498 with no French and Roza and Irina and Karolina and Lisette and Elodie and even Angel of Death Anna. My favourite scene was when they had to force Roza into that plane. Hard to believe that the worst pain in neck Roza, who wouldn’t even get scared when her name came on list, cried over a plane ride. O sweet snappy Rabbit.

O God! This was one of the most heartbreaking Concentration Camp fictions I’ve ever read. This wasn’t about Jewish prisoners; it was mostly about the other captives the political prisoners, the German criminals, the polish, the Russians and the French. The spys, the pilots, the rabbits.

I fell in love with crazy Roza, even more than the protagonist also named Rose. My heart broke when Maddie said Julie would have died there. O Julie!

Anna’s character was fiction but it wasn’t all that a story. People did terrible things in war but some of them were just unwilling participants who had no way out. Anna’s character kind of reminds me of this 93 years old Nazi guy on trail Oskar Gröning. Real story.

TELL THE WORLD

How they all longed to tell the world and even now the trail of Auschwitz SS Guard Oskar Gröning is about countering the Holocaust deniers. TELL THE WORLD.

My heart aches for the names on the wall of those camps across German captured cities.  And those who were never reported or documented or failed to get mourners because no one knew they died there. I’m just glad Eiffel Tower survived it all. My obsession with concentration camps or holocaust is largely because I feel that so many vanished and went away but no one would know their names, stories or who they were before being gassed, incinerated or shot or turned into lifeless corpse resulting starvation or diseases. Pilots, soldiers, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandparents, kids and just harmless sympathizers of those being erased.

Maybe Petula Clark sang it for me, I would like to believe so…!!!!

Today was one of those days when you just want to escape everything and everyone. You don’t want to be at work but you don’t want to go home either. You don’t want to talk to people at work or people at home. But there is no other place to be because your life is work or home.

This is where someone from universe sings me…

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown

I cant though, not now because its just Tuesday and there are still few days left before weekend walks back into my arms and kisses me.

what??? of course, I party too…pfft! party is my middle name…

Weekend came and went in a jiffy or maybe I didn’t notice it because I was too busy partying and having time of my life with a friend who came unannounced.

Saturday I had a surprise visit from a dear dear friend called darkness, I call my friend Darky with love. So Darky kind of is a very old and dear friend, at first I never liked being around this buddy of mine but then with time I got used to having Darky around. There is this thing about Darky, it comes and goes without informing and when we are together, we party and party hard.

So, this Saturday we both sat and spent whole day together. We kind of had a slumber party, just the two of us, as we danced on self pity, anger, misery, bitterness and what not. We have been friends for a long time now, but every time my dear friend visits me I get this weird feeling that i need some space. There I said it, i want to break up with my friend for I think Darky and I need to spend some time apart…by some I mean a lot. Don’t get me wrong, i am so used to Darky that I don’t remember life before we became friends but every visit from my fun friend takes me away from real life.

We party so hard that next day it’s a mess inside my head, the hangover in itself is so strong and I feel so bad about wasting precious little me time where i could have read or wrote or went out for a walk or just did anything else. Every time we meet, Darky and I become crazy duos who kind of cut ourselves away from the world. I kind of avoid my other friends, family and my own self when I’m with this crazy friend of mine.

Guess, some friends are bad influence for real and yet you can’t get rid of them.

Now, I wish I could get my Saturday back. Lying there on the couch hating the world, hating myself, I realized one thing that just when you need the voices in your head to intervene they sit back and enjoy the show of you getting all high and handsey with darkness.

And when the party is over and you are sober, this happens:

Me: God! I want my Saturday back.

Voices: Hmm…Shouldn’t you be wanting your dignity back?

Me: What?

Voices: Just kidding. Saturday is a good wish. What would you do with dignity anyway, throw it away with your next cocktail of self loathing. Go girl!

Voices: BTW…You and Darky…such a lovely couple…sniff sniff…tears…

Me: huh

Voices: Rofl.gif~c200

 

Super heroes are pathological lairs…!!!!

Today a weird but factually correct thought crossed my mind, i’m a pathological liar and a narcissist. Yes, together these words are a very bad combination and under any circumstances a person with such abilities is usually doomed to sink. But, in my case i think these are few of many reasons i am surviving.

Now that i think about it, i lie all the time all day long. Sometimes i lie to people because i have no energy to explain them my reasons to ignore the social events or gatherings or things. Sometimes i lie to people because only i know there is no answer to questions like ‘You okay?’. Sometimes lying is so easy because i do not under any circumstances want to talk about words like ‘love’, marriage’ and ‘relationships’. Then there are lies i offer to people who matter for real, people who love me but often get burdened by my inability to be like them. I lie to family and friends because i believe some questions must remain unanswered for sake of effin peace.

I don’t know if there will ever be a day when i will no more have to lie…I guess, the mask you wear becomes who you are…the case of a lie and a liar…

I don’t know why the thought, because I’ve had an amazing day today. Kind of rosy and peachy Friday for me. I think it has to do with the week. I think it’s also coming from the sleep deprived mind of mine that i have been starving of a good 8 hours of nap time.

I’m eagerly waiting for my book from Amazon which would arrive around 16.

Better go now, it was a good day today. Because it was one of those days where you learn that even though all you see are threads there is a hand too, holding you, trying to make sure you don’t fall.

P.S Once again Agnes Obel is amazing…

Voices in my head have gone AWOL…!!!!

World is a crazy place because we don’t want to love, we want to fight, wage war and drop bombs on each other, at the same time we don’t even want to accept the existence of those who just want to love and live.

Why I’m writing this? Simple, I want the world to know Love isn’t dead, it’s alive and living in each one of us only someone of us can embrace it and wear it on our sleeves.

Few days back I saw a movie “The Way” and today i saw “Into the Wild”, both are different stories but they both have one thing in common, travelling. While one guy travels because he wants to experience world beyond the money, politics, family secrets and lies and complicity of human relationships, the other travels because life has brought him to where he has nothing left to do but follow the legacy of his own son.

I want to travel because i can’t feel myself, i can’t feel the voices in my head, i can’t feel my own heartbeat.

P.S I ended up putting the wrong song yesterday i guess i was too busy listening Shania Twain on YouTube i didn’t notice what i uploaded. This is the song i wanted to put, the song i would like to believe is being sung for me…because i need it.

I want an ice-cream, a hug and a dog…!!!!

I have been suffering from some weird kind of pain in my right side and now it’s almost in every corner of my stomach. So now when i breathe i wince in pain. Problem is i kind of don’t want to fall sick, not now. Not the right time dude. Any other time would have been okay but not now.

My second problem is “Summer” and if you are an Indian or have been to this side of the world, you would know why that’s a problem. Bloody too damn hot and you what’s the crazy part of the story, my car’s A.C has just died. Awesome. The car company says they have ordered some part that isn’t working and so i have to wait.

So i might be dying. It won’t rain. My car’s AC is dead. The book i pre-ordered is yet to come. This year i have missed on every single Super Hero movie. A good friend of mine and i are now acting like strangers. My stories are still standing where they were, half and incomplete.

I think i can write an essay on things going wrong but i rather not. Cause good thing is my father is recovering and im so relieved. Im not really that close to him like most of the daughters are but seeing him unwell was not cool.

 

 

 

a lonely star in a cloudy sky…!!!!

Im having a bad week…i can take all the things the punches of life thrown at me but when its someone in the family i dont know how to deal with it. My father is unwell, but im more worried about my mother.

I have never felt so lonely in my life, guess its the week. I found this song yesterday and it brought both smile and tears. Truth is i love mushy cute romantic proposals but that’s something i rather keep to myself.

Its been a year now…!!!!

tippy

Last year on this day i lost my Snowy and it kind of has affected me so much that i, some days, dream that he is back. I know some people dont think losing a pet is a loss big enough, but for me it is. I met him when i was this young little teenager, a school girl, and we both grew up together.

13 years of togetherness, 13 years of coming home to his happy face, 13 years of him dragging me out of my bed ever morning, 13 years of him sleeping at the corner of my bed, 13 years of my talking to him about life when no one was around, 13 years of him and me being best friends, 13 years of him running away from bath with shampoo all over him and me running around the house trying to get him back to the bath, 13 years of him staring at me with those big black eyes every time i had a chocolate in my hand, 13 years of he and me playing Hide n Seek at home with him being confused when i would call his name and hide and not to be found….

13 years of every day and night being around. He was family and it hurts to not see him around, it hurts to go through a whole year knowing its not a dream. He died right in front of me, he was sick and in pain. That one month i didn’t sleep well because i would get up at night to check up on him. because i was worried and scared, because he was unwell.

He was my savior. I don’t think i can ever get over this pain.

I don’t think anyone knows what this day means to me, how much it hurts to think of this day, how hard it has been to keep this one memory deep inside and locked.

I miss coming home and calling his name…every evening i would just open the door and say “Tippy im home”…