Happy Friday night…
Love & Calories,
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2:30AM, Im in kitchen making me midnight sandwich, Dad walks in for water…
He: what you making
He: what sandwich
Me: the leftovers-on-bread kind of sandwich
Man! im glad there is no clock in the kitchen … 😛 😀
So i spent half of my day thinking about the episodes, seasons and movies that i could choose from for Friday night…Elementary? Suits? The Lying Game? Big Bang Theory? The Killing? Winona Ryder movie? Jodie Foster movie?…And i end up doing a marathon of S3 PLL…!!!!
Have you ever envied someone else’s sadness? I have. Sometimes when I hear a friend talk about something that makes him/her sad, I silently wonder if I could have their sadness and let go of mine. Crazy? I know. Pain is pain, small or big. Mine is comparatively the smallest one in the whole world but the fact that it lives inside me all the time makes it feel big so big that I don’t know what to do.
Though I’m in a happy mood right now, I don’t know why I’m talking blue. Telling yourself ‘you are a good person’ again and again is a lonely and sad thing. Sometimes when I do something good, even a tiniest good deed, I end up thinking about it again and again wondering if people notice. Why? I want to assure myself I’m a good person, I’m not a bad soul and I deserve to smile too.
2-3 days back a friend said something about some TV show which hit me hard. It was a harmless conversation about TV shows and all and then the friend said something, totally unrelated to me or us but the comment fell on my pain. It happens when you hide things people end up walking over your pain because they don’t know it is hurting.
I have a busy weekend but I hope I get to write few page of my story. Today I was thinking about Dominique a lot and maybe I would be working on it because I miss it. Actually I miss being honest and myself, I pretend all day all night but writing makes me honest. Dominique is the most honest work of mine because it has a story I would like to share but wouldn’t dare to.
So now it’s too late to watch the Winona Ryder movie that I downloaded because a part of me wanted to watch her movie. I thought about watching “Reality Bites” or “Little Women” again but then I found a new movie. I can do a Winona and Meg Ryan marathon anytime.
Its 3:30 AM and I don’t want to fall asleep, I want to stay awake, I don’t know why. I just want to sit and talk, since I can’t talk to anyone I’m babbling here. I finally finished my Mary Higgins Clark thriller and it took me ages. I used be such a quick reader but it was like a long time ago.
It’s going to be a busy weekend and I’m hoping to take out time for a movie because I need a large screen fiction therapy. I think I can manage one episode before I actually turn off the lights, pilot episode of ‘The Killing’ maybe.
Today things changed, I woke up happy and smiley. Drove to work happy, singing out loud in my car, while enjoying the lovely rain. I was working with a smile on my face all day, even when I ended up in a 4 hours long meeting with my back aching I was happy. I thought this is it now my going to sulk but I didn’t; I walked out of Gotham happy. Bought me ice-cream and drove home singing along Sara Bareilles.
This is what freedom does to you. The thought of freedom made me a sunshine all day and I almost died of happiness because Friday night is here.
Right now I’m sitting all alone in my room with laptop and headphones feeling so much better, so much. Right now, right here I’m all real, all true and all me…no pretenses.
Today we, my family and I, were discussing Snowy. We were talking about him remembering his funny moments, how naughty he was his usual habits and how he used to run out of the house when our mom used to go out. He loved her a lot and would sit on the door all day to wait for her to come back, whenever she wasnt home. I found it easy this time, to talk about him. I usually can’t talk about him. Even mentioning his name can bring tears to my eyes. But it felt good to talk about him and smile at the memories.
So I’m going to leave you with Glee version of Soul Sister for I love glee and Darren Criss is awesome.
I’m missing Glee, probably because I have just watched so many of its songs on Youtube. This show will always be special to me. Will spend some more time with Glee’s amazing musical numbers.
Got to go now. Goodnight world!
Friday morning I wake up with something inside me telling me “Hey there, just 9 hours and you can do it…just 9 hours”. I wear a smile to shift focus from my sleepy and tired eyes, walk around like the hot-shot team lead, throw orders and come back to my seat check for mails and when everything is okay, I put on my headphones and whisper to myself “Just 9 hours, you can do it”.
Thanks to my new tradition of Friday night episode marathon, I now walk through the whole week saying the same to me “Just 5 more days, you can do it”. Here is the thing, I don’t think I can survive if I don’t write Jane Doe, Dominique or anything else, if I don’t carry my headphones around, if i don’t watch episodes with fictional characters, stories and emotions, if I don’t pamper myself with unhealthy junk and give a secret self pep talk in my head.
Yes, I’m that girl who wants to make it but has to do it little differently. This song “Just give me a reason” is stuck on my mind.
Right now I’m at peace. I would like to say goodnight and go back to my episodes. Tomorrow I work on Jane Doe and on Sunday I get my much needed haircut.
P.S i think i have uploaded this one before but i like this one.
I watched Vampire Diaries and then 2-3 episodes of Gossip Girl, now I’m on break checking my blog before I go back to my episode marathon. I have Grey’s anatomy, Glee, Revenge, PLL waiting for me. What crazy? No no no, I assure you this isnt crazy. This is just a means of stopping crazy to get to me.
Anyhow, before I go back to my date with fiction I thought I will tell you how I survived the day. Well, simple some music, some more music and more. Every time I found myself slipping into blues, I did the self pep talk. Telling myself I was doing well, the smile was perfect and its just few hours to go. Truth is at one point when the clock said just 2 hours more; I actually found myself happy which is nice because I kind of don’t remember what happy spells like.
Singers like Ke$ha don’t give my kind of songs, but they do give music that gets you through a Friday. So I successfully survived the day and now I’m back in my room broken and hurt. That’s why so many episodes, because I want to live in a world that doesn’t hurt. I want to get lost in stories, characters, fiction and a different world.
I think it’s the whole mood thing, I’m having too much of doughnut, chocolate, Nutella and anything that is sweet. Not good. Not good. God! I need to quite chocolate and start working out again. Monday I will do just the same, but till then I have a recovery phase to go through.
So I’m going to work on my stories and listen to as much music as possible, stay lazy and dirty.
It’s okay to fall. Even when you are down and blue, you smell of awesomeness. It’s okay to hurt. It might not get better but you are a good person.
See, this is what I do. I talk to myself and try to pick myself from the ground, but sometimes its take time. I am going to crash and burn every thinking cell in my brain with all night episode so I go to sleep with no, whatsoever, recollection of last two days. I can’t afford to think that makes me sad.
Before I go there is a post I want to share you guys:
I hope, wish, someday i would get to feel the rush one gets by getting his/her own book published.