Story of a writer who writes stories…

The moment of pride, joy and sorrow for a writer when the story comes to its last line, last word…even if it’s just a file in a folder for many, it’s child to its creater who gave birth to the names, people and protagonists living inside those pages.

After going through ups and downs with those people every day, when rest of the world went to sleep, the writer is now left alone and sad…like the parent whose child has moved out for a job or a best friend who is now in another city…what now?

The joy and the sigh of strange pain…story of a writer who writes stories.

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When you don’t have a friend to talk to, you create one…!!!!

I started writing when I was young and didn’t had any friends. For a long time in my life I didn’t had real friends, the ones who stick with you. Or any kind. So I carved them in diaries and back pages of school notebooks with a name and a story. I created my own friends.

I started writing in search of friends and back then it was easy because I hadn’t crossed the point of life where you bump into truth, get married and stuck in a sour relationship. Finding truth is like getting stuck in a one way lane, there is no way back.

I still write but now I know things.

Stories melt, fictional friends evaporate and it leaves a hole little too deeper to be filled.

I think the only reason I write is because I was born with a story too.

Superheroes and writers have one thing in common…they both hide behind something…whether it’s a mask or a pen and a paper!

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Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

Dear Brittany Murphy…!!!!

I don’t know what I want from life, I really don’t know. Because I can’t seem to break out of my bubble and accept life the way people do, the way it should be. I am hiding in layers of denial with every cell in my body hoping for a movie like miracle to stop the world from crashing down on me, even though I know that’s how the story would end. I would be bulldozed by reality.

Sometimes I miss writing diaries because that’s where I can actually be all pitiful and pathetic. Well, truth is writing diary only would make me more sad because I would open up for real and I have seen every time I have tried to open up I couldn’t shut up. I remember when I once had a moment of truth sharing with a friend, it felt so good because I spoke my heart out about things hidden inside punching me from inside so they could just carve a hole and get out of me. For first few days I was happy I found someone to talk to and then I realized there was this need to talk and talk and talk every day every second of every hour. I realized it wasn’t good. All I wanted was to talk about myself and my pain, I just couldn’t think about anything else or anyone else.

There is this thing about pain, you have to share it to a level where you can feel better but that’s it. Releasing the years of pressure accumulated inside fast and quick would drown you and the other person in it.

Why can’t I just give up and be the world wants me to be, normal and uncomplicated?

I have started reading “Love letters to the dead” and its quiet similar to “The Perks of being a Wallflower” which is good in a way. I love the latter one. If I had to write a letter to a dead celebrity, I think I would choose Brittany Murphy because of Uptown Girls and Girl Interrupted. Being someone who spends a lot of time with fiction shows and movies, I have this thing with the characters. I love them so much that I wish they were for real.

I could also write to George Mallory because man I need to know what happened to him. Amelia Earhart.

I have to go now, I need to read and then sleep.

The more you sleep and rest the better you fake smile. True Story.

Goodnight world!

Little was once polite, now she is just a tiny Hulk!!!!

Do you know that person who puts a song on replay mode for an hour or sometimes one whole day? If not, say hello to me. I don’t know why i fall in love with a song and listen to it like it’s the only song in my phone.

Lot many times people have said things to hurt me without even knowing that what they said almost killed me inside, but few days back a friend said something so beautiful to me. I dont know if she knew what it meant to me. What she said almost made me cry. We were messaging and i was little blue and she wrote something which was meant to cheer me up, which it did, but for a long time i thought about what she said. Wish i could tell you what she said, but it meant a lot.

Today again there was this casual joke in Gotham that gave me a sucker punch and i couldn’t help but think of what my friend said to me. Brought smile to my face and i realized how words can mess up with us. Do we think about what we say to others? I dont. I think im the most careless person with words, probably because of the anger and bitterness that i live with.

O by the way, Plumb is an amazing singer and im really enjoying her music. Took me a while to find her but im glad i did.

I have to go cause im reading “The Book Thief” and so far im loving it.

Goodnight World!

Look Friday what you made me do…!!!!

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Friday made me do it…seriously, its all Friday’s fault that im shopping books. Why? Well i buy books when im beyond help and Friday took so long to come this week that i went all crazy inside my head.

Last night i was angry, so angry that i was in no fun mood whole day today and all i wanted was to get out of work. So i was suppose to shop books for a friend’s birthday but i ended up buying for myself. Dude! what’s wrong with  me? Why cant i control when im in a book shop? I mean i take forever to finish a book, yet i take only 2 seconds to buy a new one. Huh! i must be pretty messed up inside i guess.

I cant say im happy right now but pretty calm unlike, yesterday.

Good news is i was hurting so bad that i promised myself a writing weekend and im pretty much going to  keep it. I’m going to work on my story. Yay is good but lets not do the dance just now. Let’s just write one page first.

Before i go…40 Day dream is on replay for days…do i need therapy or another song?

All i needed to do was get awesome grades & become a rocket scientist…!!!!

Last night, I saw this Charlize Theron movie “Monster” and dude I can’t believe how much I cried at the end. I mean yes, the character was dark, bad and a killer and I’m suppose to not like it but the story was so tragic.

Have you ever used your sweater’s or sweatshirt’s sleeves as tissue paper while you were crying your eyes out seeing a sad movie? Ya me neither…I’m just asking. Who does that? I never did that? Okay, I do that. Whatever.

A,nyhow, so I woke up all blue and I just wanted to stay in the bed all day and not talk to anyone because a part of me was trying to do that “World doesn’t care” thing. But I had to get up, wear my “Wassup people. How you doin?” face and take my guests for shopping to the city. While they were out I was sitting in my car with a takeaway cappuccino (You can’t take me for a drive without my morning coffee) and reading my book. I played the “Girl with the car” today and drove them around. I’m so glad that I live in a city that is still bearable when it comes to traffic and crazy number of cars on the road. Though some days it’s so bad that everywhere there is a long jam but luckily there are also days like today, when I get to cruise around without a break. I love driving. Hate the “Take guests to shopping” part but love driving.

Indian guests are kind of difficult, they kind of become owner of the house during their stay.

Basically I spent all my day driving with my kind of music in car. The driving made me happy and then I got to meet a friend I was missing a lot for past few days especially since the Gotham incident. Well, what can I say:

Sometimes even after waking up on the wrong side of the bed, a day can be surprisingly beautiful…

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But it makes me sad that tomorrow I have to get up again, wear the same “Wassup people. How you doin” face and spend 9 hours looking at my screen wondering “Why couldn’t I study hard and become a scientist or an astronaut”…Who asked me to become a writer? Oh! Wait…I was born as a writer…I was born this way.

There is a reason why a Superhero’s cape is never white…!!!

Today, i took half day leave from work because it was my friend’s birthday. While it was suppose to be her day, i think it was more of my day. Because i needed to cool off and a day-off on a working day was what i needed.

I’m not a leader, not the Alpha and not the frontier soldier. So sometimes i find it hard to work with the people at Gotham. Last two days were kind of rough work wise, nothing that i couldn’t handle but it just made me upset about how much that place has changed and how different it has become. It’s not the place i fell in love with once.

Even when i lost in bowling and scrabble i didn’t care because i was far away from Gotham. I wish i was a person strong enough to get up and walk away, but i am already in a battle i don’t want more.

Some days i just want to drop my hero act and hold on to someone for rescue but help isn’t coming so i guess i will have to be my own person, for as long as possible.

What can i say, Superheroes aren’t allowed to carry a white flag.

Super tired, got to go.

Goodnight world!

Blue color Hulk…!!!!!

Yesterday was one of those days when all i wanted was to buy a book. For past few days i have been blue, really blue. Im like this little blue girl who wants a teddy book.

So im at home,sitting with my laptop, staring at the empty word document wondering why cant i write, when my friend calls. She asks if i would like to go city with her. Scrabble, coffee and simple stuff. At first, i decide i don’t want to go. All i wanted was to be blue, like the darkest shade of blue, stay in my room and die of loneliness. But then i realised may be i can be blue with a new book.

So i said yes, got ready and went to city. Even as we played scrabble, had coffee, laughed and talked about random stuff i wasn’t feeling good, but i knew soon i would be owner of 2-3 new books by James Patterson. Yay! Right? Wrong. When universe is busy playing, you don’t get to enjoy unforced errors. The only purpose i left my room was to shop and when i handed my shopping to the cashier i realised i’ve had left my card home. And i had no cash on me. My friend used all her paying for all the food and coffee we had.

So guess what? Little blue me came back little more blue.

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