Hate all those “Be Yourself” posters…!!!!

A part of me can see the future or can predict it but that doesn’t mean im a psychic. I’m just a girl who knows more about life than she shows. Truth is every smile is an effort to walk a little more because deep down i know there is no Dawn.

Some days i just want to talk and talk and talk it all, every single word inside me wants to come out because the pain is tearing  me hurting me. But i just sip another cup of coffee, watch another episode, read few more chapters and then bury my head into endless number of songs.

Genie in the bottle, Santa Claus, blue fairy are all as real as me being a super hero.

Some days i feel angry for being different, for being so complicated and i just hate myself but there are days when i just want to hug myself and tell myself i’m a good person. But how does it matter? How does any of it matter, when there is no miracle or dawn at the end of the tunnel?

Man! i guess its the lack of sleep. I better sleep or i will turn angry Hulk, im already a sad Hulk.

All those posters and sayings of “Be yourself” makes me even more angry.

Goodnight World!

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hAPPY & bLUE…sO WHAT’s New?

So i spent half of my day thinking about the episodes, seasons and movies that i could choose from for Friday night…Elementary? Suits? The Lying Game? Big Bang Theory? The Killing? Winona Ryder movie? Jodie Foster movie?…And i end up doing a marathon of S3 PLL…!!!!

Have you ever envied someone else’s sadness? I have. Sometimes when I hear a friend talk about something that makes him/her sad, I silently wonder if I could have their sadness and let go of mine. Crazy? I know. Pain is pain, small or big. Mine is comparatively the smallest one in the whole world but the fact that it lives inside me all the time makes it feel big so big that I don’t know what to do.

Though I’m in a happy mood right now, I don’t know why I’m talking blue. Telling yourself ‘you are a good person’ again and again is a lonely and sad thing. Sometimes when I do something good, even a tiniest good deed, I end up thinking about it again and again wondering if people notice. Why? I want to assure myself I’m a good person, I’m not a bad soul and I deserve to smile too.

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2-3 days back a friend said something about some TV show which hit me hard. It was a harmless conversation about TV shows and all and then the friend said something, totally unrelated to me or us but the comment fell on my pain. It happens when you hide things  people end up walking over your pain because they don’t know it is hurting.

I have a busy weekend but I hope I get to write few page of my story. Today I was thinking about Dominique a lot and maybe I would be working on it because I miss it. Actually I miss being honest and myself, I pretend all day all night but writing makes me honest. Dominique is the most honest work of mine because it has a story I would like to share but wouldn’t dare to.

So now it’s too late to watch the Winona Ryder movie that I downloaded because a part of me wanted to watch her movie. I thought about watching “Reality Bites” or “Little Women” again but then I found a new movie. I can do a Winona and Meg Ryan marathon anytime.

Its 3:30 AM and I don’t want to fall asleep, I want to stay awake, I don’t know why. I just want to sit and talk, since I can’t talk to anyone I’m babbling here. I finally finished my Mary Higgins Clark thriller and it took me ages. I used be such a quick reader but it was like a long time ago.

It’s going to be a busy weekend and I’m hoping to take out time for a movie because I need a large screen fiction therapy. I think I can manage one episode before I actually turn off the lights, pilot episode of ‘The Killing’ maybe.

Goodnight world!

Being awesome in an imaginary world is not enough…!!!!

I can’t write, I just can’t. When I became a blue person and got the darkness inside me I found comfort in writing, I started writing and wrote and wrote. But now I can’t write; I find it hard to write anything.

My anger, agony and grief are so heavy that I can’t even do things that I love to. My friend asked me out for a movie, I said no and she couldn’t get why on earth I would say no to a movie when I love movies.

It’s not just the fact that I am grieving, it’s the fact that my pain of losing Snowy has just added to the everyday hurting. All these hours that I have spent, since last night, watching TV shows were just focused on killing the thinking cells inside my head. But unfortunately I have pretty active and effective brain cells they won’t stop doing what they do, thinking…they won’t stop thinking.

Today I cleaned my room a little and found this notebook with a story, just 3-4 pages written on a plot that I once had on my mind. I re-read it and it felt nice because it made me want to sit and write. But I dint.

Here is the thing, I am a good person in the sense I have never really done anything bad to anyone but I’m a disappointment for many. For people who love me, my family and friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls in my office who I personally do not like for they are so fake and crazy but at least they want normal things in life like a wedding, a husband, and a family. I am nice, not fake and less crazy compared to them but I disappoint people who love me. My stubbornness and different choices in life worries people who love me and I’m well aware of that. So what do I do? Be me or be someone they want? Either ways someone gets hurt.

A week before I lost Snowy, I had a bad 2-3 days so bad I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was dying inside but I didn’t. Things cooled down I was finally breathing but then I lost someone I can’t forget, someone I miss so much.

Yesterday night I was crying and I didn’t know why…I mean I didn’t know was I crying because of  the conversation I had with my mother 2 weeks ago or was I crying because I miss Snowy so much. Well I woke up with a dream about him so maybe I was crying because of him but then I was and even now I m thinking of my mother. How I wish she had a better person as her daughter. So basically I’m sad and broken and going crazy but for several reasons, one isn’t enough I guess.

Saddest thing is it makes me sad to not want to be me…in the world inside my head, im awesome!!

 

Writing is my alcohol…!!

Hi, i’m an addict.

I’m addicted to so many things, but nothing gives me the high writing does. It started when i was in 9th grade and since then i have spent almost every day being a writer. I wrote silly poems, sad stories, senseless stuff in diaries, i wrote because writing is the only thing that felt good.

I have had my moments of clean life where i didn’t write, but i found other addictions. Coffee, junk food and fiction. But nothing helps like writing, every word i put down calms me. Truth is if i won’t write i won’t be able to make it till dawn. My job also requires me to write, i come home and i write, on weekend i write, I’m happy i write and i write if can’t control what’s falling down my cheeks.

It’s like my drug, my alcohol. I don’t think i can give up or live without it, i know question is why would i want to do that? I don’t know, but today i asked myself what if not writing?

Maybe that’s why today im sad, because i can’t do anything else i have no other talent. I don’t know if that’s why am low or it’s just a thought came through the window of sadness, staring at me since morning.

I feel lost, like a soldier who knows that the backup is not coming and sooner or later it’s all about the “White Flag”. When i was young i always thought being a good person matter, if you are nice to everyone in your class or around you, nothing can go wrong.  Truth be told, i lived being a nice girl all my life. I was one of those girls who you could ask to get you a coffee from canteen, while you worked on your class work. I always found saying No to anyone difficult, taking sides in a fight and even yelling at someone for anything. Because i wanted to be the girl, the one who was always nice. So that in the end, everyone would forgive me because i was the nice girl who always smiled and said yes.

Anyhow, i was kind of a nerd who was never great with books, never dressed trendy and had braces but i was still popular among people in my class which included brilliant as well as the fashionable ones. You know how? Because i used to write and they liked reading my “something to write while on bus to home” stuff from my notepad. They thought i was good, i wasn’t but, it made me happy.

Today, i need to write and write and write till i am spinning. I need to escape and few pages of writing along with fiction would be fine. That’s what Doctor “voice in the corner of my head” suggests.

“Hi I’m an addict,
And I’m addicted to writing”

Thank you!!