So I cried at the end of The Danish Girl…!!!!

Today after a long time I did a movie marathon in theater. I needed it so badly. When I sit there in the dark hall looking at the huge large screen with stories and background music, I forget everything else.

Sitting alone in dark with random strangers all busy looking ahead, I fall in love with life and the fact that there is a world out there. Movies make me see the world and meet people, something I’ll never do in my reality.

Stories. I breathe on them, books or movies.

Anyhow, out of the two movies that I saw one was The Danish Girl. Eddie Redmayne was brilliant. Just brilliant, so was Alicia Vikander. At the end, at the very last scene, tears strolled down my cheeks and I thanked myself for being a solo movie-goer.

I loved the way Eddie Redmayne portrayed the struggle and pride of someone wanting to be true and honest and accepting of who they are. And I loved Alicia’s character and her unconditional support in the journey of transformation of Einar into Lily. Now I don’t know how real is this reality based story, but whatever I saw was beautifully presented and too emotional.

I don’t know much about transgender community. But I do wonder how hard it must be for them with so much of judgement. I wish world was not about guns and hatred but about accepting. But then again that’s just me. And I’m nobody. World is not made of me, which is both good and bad.

Truth is God doesn’t hate anyone no matter who you are, it’s us. God made us, everyone one of us every gender every sexuality every caste every color every religion. God made us. We are the one who decided to hate or not like each other.

Coming back to the movie, I loved The Danish Girl but it took me a lot of time to adjust to The Hateful Eight. Wasn’t my kind but was alright.

It’s Monday again, so I think I should say goodnight.  Time to turn off the lights, close my eyes and paint a world of my own.

I would like to end the day by sending huge hug in the cosmic world to someone anyone who is hurting. Because one day I would like to find a cosmic hug too.

Goodnight world!

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I’m dating my music player..!!!!

Nothing hugs you like a beautiful song, of course this goes out to those with relationship status single and no dog…!!!!

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Being a Superhero glorifies the lying…!!!!

For the first time in my life I finished a book in 2 days. Lately, I have been reading a lot, spending more time on books than TV shows or movies. I do allow myself occasional visit to Modern Family or Grey’s Anatomy but I am mostly busy buried in a book.

There is no answer to why. Lately, I don’t have any answer to any why. I have started doings things that I need to. I have begun working on a story that I probably would never finish and even if I do, I won’t ever share it with anyone. Again no answer to the why.

I’m just glad I have Agnes Obel because sometimes Avril, Brandi and Gaga sound like a lie. Music can be weird. Agnes makes feel the reality like it should, like a skin; all over me. I’m not in denial, I’m just living as Hyde and Jekyll or as I prefer to call it Batman and Bruce Wayne syndrome. That sounds better considering the fact that it glorifies my pretenses. Works magically on my self esteem.

Sometimes I wish I was a pianist or a violinist. I don’t know why but I think it’s the warm and kind embrace behind an instrumental music that makes me wish I was good with musical instruments.

I finished Someone Named Eva, The Girl On the Train and Annie On My Mind. All 3 of them were really good. I have this weird wish to one day visit Auschwitz, don’t know why but a part of me wants to pay my respect there. I know sounds weird for it’s not a name someone, who hasn’t been anywhere outside her country, takes for a foreign trip. I do have NYC on my mind all the time, but I wish to see myself in one of the camp sites in Poland and in Amsterdam where Anne lived.

There is no purpose of this post, I’m just sitting alone in my room and its 3 in the morning the ghostly hour. I felt like talking. At first I almost picked my diary. I feel unsettled despite the fact that the day was good, I saw HOME movie and spent rest of my day on my sofa reading and reading and finishing the book.

Tomorrow I shall search for more books because I just have Code Verity left now and I’m afraid I’m going to be soon left with nothing to read. I do not wish to go back to the TV show addiction. They lie. Books lie too but you know it’s a book, with TV shows you tend to forget the faces are actors who are nothing like the characters they play.

Got to go now.

Goodnight world!

Just wanted to talk…

Yes, Avril Lavigne has gone from awesome punk rocker to a pop diva i can’t relate to, but i found a good song from her current album. BTW, if you are someone who fell in love with Avril from Complicated and Nobody’s Home then never ever ever listen to Hello Kitty, cause it would hurt you bad.

I still love her because i grew up with some legendary Avril Lavigne songs…

Anyhow, before i leave you with the song I wanted to talk. Nothing specific, just random. Today, i was sitting in a meeting and some days when i’m a part of such meetings with the big guns, being the only woman in the group, i feel proud of myself. Because lets face it i’m not very good with things, i have worst management skills, i don’t like my work, i have personal struggles 24/7, i dont even have the leadership qualities one need to be a Team Leader and i have these friends called Panic Attack, Anxiety, Depression and Anger. But some days i feel like patting my back because only i know how broken i’m to be sitting around people discussing work and team distribution and management of resources etc etc etc.

Truth is i was taught well my mentor, but its kind of amazing how i’m walking straight on the rope even with the panic button stick to  my skin.

Maybe, i was born to be this…this girl who would be fighting secretly with unseen forces for the rest of her life like a SuperHero, while seeming pretty normal, childish and spoiled to people in her life. Bruce Wayne/Batman or Oliver/Arrow? Don’t know.

But, today i felt proud of me. I know there is no reason i’m the black sheep but i felt like giving myself a pat.

Happy Weekend…

Goodnight world!

Just an angry girl with freshly cut short hair and a book…!!!!

You know how i space out of conversations and even from situations where I’m just staring at something or someone. Yesterday i was in a meeting with my manager and this Russian intern and though he was mostly explaining something to her i was sitting there too. And then i went dreaming again; i spaced out to another world and next thing i know my manger was looking at me, his lips were moving and then i heard the words realizing he is asking me something. I was like feck what was the question.

Luckily, i managed to survive this manager meeting situation.

I wonder why i do that to me. Because i have once been into a very very bad situation because of my spacing out talent.

Anyhow, good news i got a haircut and a new book. I needed both the things so badly because i kind of had a day where i realized a friend of mine is no more my friend. I mean we are still friends but only because i am hanging on to the whole friendship thing. So i have decided to let it go. Its funny how when you are young, like teenage kind young, friendship feels like the greatest thing in life and then you grow up, your friends grow up and all that matters is to survive.

Crazy! how we change.

With a working Saturday last week i haven’t really had much time to write but my story is almost done. Still a lot left but i think i did manage to finally write something. After a long time, im hoping to complete a story. I know it might be a weird story but i wrote it so I’m really looking forward to the last page.

Goodnight World!

Dear Brittany Murphy…!!!!

I don’t know what I want from life, I really don’t know. Because I can’t seem to break out of my bubble and accept life the way people do, the way it should be. I am hiding in layers of denial with every cell in my body hoping for a movie like miracle to stop the world from crashing down on me, even though I know that’s how the story would end. I would be bulldozed by reality.

Sometimes I miss writing diaries because that’s where I can actually be all pitiful and pathetic. Well, truth is writing diary only would make me more sad because I would open up for real and I have seen every time I have tried to open up I couldn’t shut up. I remember when I once had a moment of truth sharing with a friend, it felt so good because I spoke my heart out about things hidden inside punching me from inside so they could just carve a hole and get out of me. For first few days I was happy I found someone to talk to and then I realized there was this need to talk and talk and talk every day every second of every hour. I realized it wasn’t good. All I wanted was to talk about myself and my pain, I just couldn’t think about anything else or anyone else.

There is this thing about pain, you have to share it to a level where you can feel better but that’s it. Releasing the years of pressure accumulated inside fast and quick would drown you and the other person in it.

Why can’t I just give up and be the world wants me to be, normal and uncomplicated?

I have started reading “Love letters to the dead” and its quiet similar to “The Perks of being a Wallflower” which is good in a way. I love the latter one. If I had to write a letter to a dead celebrity, I think I would choose Brittany Murphy because of Uptown Girls and Girl Interrupted. Being someone who spends a lot of time with fiction shows and movies, I have this thing with the characters. I love them so much that I wish they were for real.

I could also write to George Mallory because man I need to know what happened to him. Amelia Earhart.

I have to go now, I need to read and then sleep.

The more you sleep and rest the better you fake smile. True Story.

Goodnight world!

I think coffee has stopped working on me..Zzzz…!!!!

Life has its own way of saying “hang on, its going to be okay”…

After two days of effn mood and effn thoughts, I found a moment of happiness and smile today. After a long time I had dinner with friends who know me for real and love me with all my darkness.

Don’t know how will I wake up tomorrow, sad or super sad or effn sad? But right now, right this moment I feel blessed.

Goodnight world!

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Stubborn heart, acidic stomach, crazy head…LOL? Whatever!

I hate my acid reflux…ruins the day for me. What has my stubborn heart done to me. Look at all the things gone wrong with me, my stomach and my head are paying price for having a heart that won’t stop believing, won’t quit and won’t change.

Anyhow, I have started giving time to the books on my shelf. Am now reading a Lee Child’s Jack Reacher thriller “Gone Tomorrow”. I think my next book would be “Love letters to the dead” by Ava Dellaira. Some review site compared it to the “Perks of being a wallflower” and I love this one.

My mouth feels so metallic right now, not a good feeling and no amount of sweets can make it go. Fckn acid.

Got to go, goodnight world…!!!!

P.S Is ‘Orange is the new black’ any good? Am thinking of catching up with the show.

Happy for Jodie Foster…!!!

The day world would stop judging or labeling love, would be the day of dawn…but sometimes i wonder if Dawn and Hope are nothing but just four letter lazy words…

Anyhow, i feel exhausted right now. mentally and physically.

Goodnight World!

Added new page to the blog…

https://littlemissobsessivesanatomy.wordpress.com/books-that-made-little-smile-cry/

Now im reading some crime fiction but i kind of miss reading The Book Thief. Have downloaded the  movie too, but i know the book is always better. Sarah’s Keys was beautiful book but the movie was okay kind.

Goodnight world!

Leaving you guys with a sweet song from a band im in love with Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes…