I love characters who make me want to be their friends…!!!

For long I had this wish to put a tick mark against one of my bucket list wish – to watch a movie alone. At first it  started as a thought of doing something fun and crazy cause who really goes for movies alone? But I never had the courage because I thought watching a movie alone is the saddest thing in the world and no matter how sad my life goes I will never do this.

Life heard me, laughed and said CHALLENGE ACCEPTED…

So, when life hits you that Ace you just have to stand there and wonder what happened to your backhand. Anyhow, I did reached that point where one fine day I just booked a ticket and went alone. I was nervous, little excited and kind of scared because I had no idea how to just go there, sit and watch a movie with no one to look at, when there is something funny or sad or scary on the big screen. But, it wasn’t bad in fact it was liberating. I know a tiny part of  me from the old-me is kind of dying right now in some corner of my head reading these words, but honestly it was the best thing that I ever did for me.

This Saturday when I sat there in an almost empty theater watching Age of Adaline on the big screen, I realized what a magical world we have in the movies. They make you forget everything that pushes you to that dark corner of the road and make you want to live forever singing it’s-a-beautiful-world. The stories and characters and emotions on that big screen in a dark hall are so majestic and beautiful that for those 2 some hours world feels good, nice, kind and even a gift.

There is something about watching a movie on a big screen and for a long time I felt sad for missing on movies because I had no social life, the people I was dependent on had other people, my issues were often making friends unfriend me leaving me all by myself.

I don’t know how sad it sounds but doings things for yourself isn’t sad its fun and liberating. You don’t have too lie to yourself or ignore yourself and give reasons for not being in mood for an outing, because you know you wont leave you for crazy mood swings, socializing issues and crazy self created walls/rules around your life. People would do that to you, you wouldn’t do that to you.

Voices: Adaline?

Me: Fish! sorry…All I wanted to say was watch Age of Adaline. Great movie.

Voices: Was that so hard?

Me: I thought a little history would be good.

Voices: A little? You would have written a book on your sorry life.

Me: I couldn’t have, for a book I would have needed a fictional name, few character introductions and.. Oh! was that sarcasm?

Voices (Rolling eyes)

So, in short I started today’s post with an aim of giving a review of Age of Adaline and how magical I felt while I sat there watching this movie, wondering what a beautiful world a movie creates for us. But, I ended up blabbering. So here I go – I watched Age of Adaline and Blake Lively was flawless, I never much liked her as Serena in Gossip Girl because her character was not the kind I would want to be friends with but I would definitely want to be friends with Adaline.

ageofadaline

Taking refuge in the world of Blair Waldorf…!!!!

So I’m avoiding writing, any kind of whether its blogging or working on my story. I’m just not sure how to write, because writing makes me real and I’m trying to be not me. I’m trying to be someone, anyone but not me because the real me is messed up and needs fixing.

Im trying to bury myself in Gossip Girl and endless number of songs while keeping me up till late night so that when i actually go to bed ready to close my eyes, i would be so tired that i wont have time to think and i will automatically fall asleep…Voila…no thoughts, no blues, no tears and no nothing. But being too smart always means you are being too stupid to, for example while i try to keep me busy, exhausted and away from thoughts im also throwing me into a sleep deprived monstrous mode where i might sleep without thoughts but i wake up bitter, angry, tired, exhausted and asking for sleep.

Lately i have started keeping a small diary with me at work, which helps when im having moments where i need to blurt out things but i cant.

Let me say this, i love Blair Waldorf and she is the only reason i watch Gossip Girl or maybe she is the biggest reason among others. I love Lily and Rufus too, their love is so cute. Im not a big fan of Serena but i do kind of like it when she always leaves her stuff to be with her best friend. But i cant stop this Gossip Girl topic without mentioning Dorota. Man! she is awesome.

Truth be told this is not the weekend i wanted, i had a busy day today and will have the same tomorrow but i just need a slow boring lonely weekend where im tortured with nothing but my own company.

Today my mom asked me about the status of Jane Doe and i told her its on hold for now because i need a break. Truth is i need break from my thoughts, so i can actually write plus i need break from endless episodes of television shows that i keep downloading to burn my mind.

I’m addicted to fiction, cant get rid of my headphones and super sleep deprived…!!!!

 

 

My head is nothing, but a fine example of a scrambled egg…!!!!

Today is Rose day I think, I mean I have been told so by two guys who wished me though messengers of course. I know normally a girl would gloat but I’m not sure I am on cloud 9 for being wished Rose day by two guys. No no, I did like it. It made me smile knowing that maybe someone has a crush on me, its human to feel good knowing someone likes you but for me it stops right there.

Dear Colleagues,

Thank you for wishing me. Made me smile but sorry I’m not into you or anyone.

Little

Worst letter ever, I’m glad they won’t get to read this. See problem is I’m all romantic, all mushy mushy and I love so many things I won’t even acknowledge I do, in front of my friends, but bottom line is I’m not available.

I was watching Gossip Girl and what Blair and Chuck had made me wonder how even twisted people can find true love. I know its fiction but hey it’s not that unreal too, even crazy people have love in their life in real world.

I have had enough coffee and donut for today so I think I should shut down the voices begging for more. My entire workout is waste because I can’t let go of the junk food.

Good thing its Friday and that means just 9 more hours to survive before I can have two days of peace. Every morning when I’m sitting in front of my computer with tired, exhausted and sleepy eyes I wonder when the day would get over and when I would get to work on Jane Doe, but every evening I walk home with a dead brain and zero level of energy. The circle goes on.

I wish I could just throw away my headphones and laptop and just spend all my time reading but I can’t let go of music. It’s the new coffee for me. While they say denial isn’t good I say it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

Goodnight world!

.

Sometimes music breaks your trust…!!!!

Even bundle of episodes of Castle and Gossip Girl, hours of music and a cup of chocolate icecream in freezing cold day couldn’t help me avoid the stream of tears that have been threatening since morning. It wasn’t a good day and of course I knew I was going to have trouble going through the day with my record of sleep, but not everything that happened was about my inability to sleep on time.

I was a misery all day because I could not focus or even think straight but I knew the cloud of blues were just the sleepy me, but the conversation I had with  my mother was real. It wasn’t my sleepy mind’s hyper reaction to everything.

Truth is I feel bad for being so different form people in my life because I think it makes them worry and somewhat disappointed. Anyhow, I know I just need to lie down and when I will wake up I will be fresh and nothing will hurt. At least I hope.

Right now, all I want to do is just hug someone and cry till I sleep. I wish I wasn’t me but then that’s a lie too. I want to be me, I think I’m a nice person. well that would be a lie too, i think im awesome only not the kind people should have around them.

 

 

 

I did not write this post, wasn’t me…seriously, not me.

I have a secret, no no no I’m not giving you the “why I’m blue and twisted” story…it’s a small secret. I’m hopeless romantic, I love romantic comedies and romantic songs, I would love to get married and the whole idea of writing a wedding vow is so touching to me…but I refuse to acknowledge this and after I writing this post I would easily deny I wrote this post.

A friend of mine asked me “what’s the best thing about love songs?”…I said they just add to the pile in your phone and destroy the memory card and finally you have to buy a new one”…she called me unromantic and we laughed. Let me tell you what I really would have said.

The best thing about love songs are they make you a happy person, remind you of what you feel for real and smile even when you are at the worst mood of your life because you just thought about one person you love the most. Love songs make me you see your lover everywhere even when you are living miles apart. Love songs are like medicine to any pain. Everyone has a love song, because they are like heart beat you have to have them around, in your life to feel alive, to feel the pulse inside you, to feel the happiness in life and to never forget the love you feel for someone special.

So I was watching Gossip Girl and this woman in the show was having trouble writing the wedding speech and I was like “why? Whoa! I can do it even though I m on the top of the list of “people who are going die alone with no true love”. How can you not write a wedding vow, it’s a crime to not feel love inside, if I can…anyone can.

I might never accept how much I love happy endings, idea of two people getting married, love stories, mushy love lines, sweet songs about love and whole concept of doing everything for happiness of one person, but denying it all doesn’t make it any less true.

That’s why I say dibs on love in next life, so I do not have to deny how much I love love songs…

“Have you ever confused a dream with life?”

Sometimes I wonder what would have I done if there was no YouTube…I mean all the songs how would have I survived without them. People, religion and money can’t save me only music can and of course fiction. Sometimes music helps me in feeling the emotions I can’t feel and sometimes it helps me in turning them off.

Today I cooked veg rice pulao which looked good, aroma was awesome only issue it needed little more salt. Rest was perfect so may be 3 out of 5 by me. I wish my mom was here to taste it. I clicked the picture and sent it to my brother’s phone so he could show it to her. Yes I’m the girl who seeks approval even though I don’t listen to people. But I secretly seek approval of two people in my life.

For past three days all I have done is watch Castle and Gossip Girl, stayed in my room and argued with my inner self on not writing or reading. Though i did take a break from my aloofness today and went out with a friend for pancakes and coffee. I love blueberry pancakes with cream. In fact I want it right now but it’s too late.

My eyes are closing now, as I watch Girl, Interrupted. I think I should sleep, I think Winona Ryder is awesome, I think I have seen another movie that has a plot like Girl Interrupted, I think I can watch this movie hundred times again, I think I am going to sleep now…to be honest I can’t think anymore. The sleep derivation I have given to myself for no reason whatsoever has destroyed my ability to think.

Goodnight world!