Still fighting Gotham.
Still faking awesomeness.
Crawling my way into NaNoWriMo.
Posted from WordPress for Android
Still fighting Gotham.
Still faking awesomeness.
Crawling my way into NaNoWriMo.
Posted from WordPress for Android
A part of me has accepted that there is no light at the end of the tunnel which is why I act the way I do. Few days ago, we had one of our annual Chess tournaments at Gotham and I struggled at my first match finally losing badly in the second one. I kept telling myself its because I haven’t played for a long time.
Truth is I don’t believe in myself anymore. Honestly, I’m good I’m so good that I would make the opponent I lost to walk away within 5-10 minutes, top. But the thing is I kept telling myself, I won’t be able to make it, its okay I haven’t played for months now, I’m rusty, I didn’t get chance to practise etc etc etc. I gave myself all BS I could give to not feel bad about losing even before the game started.
So, instead of being ‘Bring it on’ I was like ‘Just don’t lose badly’.
Why it matters? It does. I kind of take Chess very seriously, specially this tournament. It breaks my heart even when I lose in semis or finals which are usually my spots, but losing in the staring of it against a guy who says ‘I have been looking forward to play against you’ because he thinks I’m a legend…Dude, I know how many times I died inside me that night.
I promised myself I would proofread my story, send it to a publisher, but I didn’t. I played the worst chess match of my life and I was totally prepared for it.
Why? Because I don’t believe in me anymore.
The story needs proof reading; I’m kind of all busy and exhausted lately.
I am rusty; don’t even remember when was the last time I played Chess.
EXCUSES excuses EXCUSES…
It’s like world is closing on me and I can’t even find energy to get up and get out of the mess. Truth is I’m not sad right now, don’t even know why the post. Guess, I just needed to talk about it to make myself accept it.
I don’t believe in me anymore.
Seriously, be mean, be rude, be insulting, be anything. Don’t go silent on me please.
If I was Katniss Everdeen, trust me with this attitude I would have been the first to drop dead. You don’t fight with a white flag tucked in your pocket and somebody needs to remind me that. Tris Prior didn’t survive part 1 by saying ‘Oh! I’m a Divergent and I don’t I know what to do. It’s okay If the Erudite finds me and kills me.’
You do know what Captain Karen Emma Walden said in Courage Under Fire…NO SURRENDER.
Even Peter Parker stopped being Spiderman when he stopped believing in himself. Remember the big fall from the web rope thing with that ring? The thud was bad. I kind felt the that thud in that Chess match.
I want to dedicate this song to the faithlessness crawling all over my mind and body…
Before I start, I am going say it out loud I saw Pitch Perfect today and I have no idea why it took me so long. It’s awesome. Being a Glee fan it’s no news that I love modern musicals.
So, America big day? Love is love and Ireland and USA are just where the world is looking at right now. Some with hope and others…well haters gonna hate. But it’s just amazing how we as humans are evolving and accepting that EQUALITY is not just a word. It’s a real thing.
And for those who wonder if they ever would see that word, its okay to be not okay. Sun takes time to shine, its dawn for people in America for now. World is taking baby steps and one day it would become what it was intend to be, at first place. One day world would be a free place with equality for everyone.
Right now, its 3 am the ghostly hour and I have so many things inside my head. I want to sit and talk to someone for hours, not listen but talk. Sometimes I really wish that the whole 3 am ghost thing would come true and some ghostly thing would come to scare me, I would make him or her sit and talk. I mean that’s the least he or she can do before scaring the crap out of me. Plus, ghosts won’t share your dirty twisty life stories with other people.
I’m just glad its weekend. What did I learned from past 3 days?
Gotham is turning more and more into Hunger Games and I feel less of Batman and more of Katniss Everdeen. I can literally picture myself with a bow and arrow while fighting for survival.
But then I can’t be Katniss Everdeen she is way too cool and I am one of those girls in the chick flicks who want to be friend with the cool girls. I’m not cool, I’m the girl who wants to be noticed by and be friends with cool ones. I’m not nerdy I’m just boring cause I don’t do the socially accepted definition of fun things.
BTW Anna Kendrick is so cool. Now I need to watch the part two.
I should go now cause I’m afraid one day God would fire a miracle gun towards me turn my life into everything I want, make me peachy and sunshine and rainbow, but I would not be able to cherish the Hey-I’m-Happy thing cause I would be dead courtesy lack of sleep. I read somewhere the amount of sleep deprivation that you give your body can never be recovered. Damn! Well I’m not here to sleep. I’m here to make faces at empty walls and wonder if only I was an artist. I’m here to wonder, sleep can wait.
Good night world and congratulations to America.
Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.
For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.
Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy
The carousel never stops moving
I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.
No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?
It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?
Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.
Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.
While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.
It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.
At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.
I’m writing a story that I won’t be able to share with anyone, yet I have started spending my nights working on it. Its a beautiful tale of finding love and family but no one would find this story because its only for my eyes. Everyday at Gotham, I think of next page and next lines that i need to write when i’m back home. In some ways, I’m building a world of my own, with friends of my own.
This story, these characters and the world I’m creating might not get shared still it would make me happy if i can finish it. So, for once I’m putting a cap on the voices and the noises and the rights and wrongs and the morals.
Right and wrong can do whatever they want in real life, in my story there is no place for haters.
Maybe I should spend this time with the unfinished chapters from old stories that I know I wont have problem sharing with friends, but I want to work on this. See how it goes.
P.S I think I’m obsessed with Agnes Obel’s music…
There is this Mexican intern in Gotham and every time we are low or exhausted with those where-is-the-weekend eyes, she always smiles and says “It’s almost Friday”…and she asks us to repeat the same. At first, just for fun sake we would started teasing each other“It’s almost Friday” and then i realized that it kind of does work.
It’s like she gave me this amazing mantra; every time I’m losing patience at Gotham or have one of those i-want-to-be-alone-in-my-room days i kind of tell myself ‘Dude, its almost Friday’ and then i go back to work of staring at the screen. Next thing i know, its actually end of the week.
I was driving home from Gotham in my batmobile when the shuffle played a song from Juno’s soundtrack and I couldn’t help but think about the movie and the day I saw it.
There are 5 simple reasons why I love that movie –
1 – Ellen Page
2 – Ellen Page
3 – Ellen Page
4 – Jennifer Garner
5 – It was a good day
Okay, I don’t think I really need to explain first 4 reasons, because I love Ellen Page I think she is a super amazing. I can’t stop respecting her ever since her video of coming out. Well, bravery makes a person little more than extraordinary.
And Jennifer Garner. Well, she is sweet and her role in Juno was something nice.
So now comes the big reason which was actually why I was thinking about the movie today. Imagine you are in a place with no friends and there are these 2 cool kids, who you look up to. Cool kids you wish to hang out with. Cool kids who make you feel accepted, happy and kind of not sad. And one fine day, the cool kids plan a movie day and insist on you joining them. Well, you think it’s silly how can you be a part of fun and cool kids but they actually kind of like you and want you. So you go.
Despite spending a major part of the movie wondering this is actually for real, you do manage to watch the movie. You don’t find the movie that great but you can’t stop liking it because you are happy.
And that’s why when this particular song started playing in my car I couldn’t help but think of the day.