Where is my mind?

Two days i did nothing but sleep. I have been acting like a zombie, awake but sleepy all the time. I would sit and fall asleep, get up shake my head and walk around a little try to distract myself and moments later would find me asleep again. Guess i have been too sleep deprived.

Though im sad about Monday i dont mind much because its a 4 days week with a holiday coming on Wednesday. Man! i love national holidays.

My mind is dead, i mean the thinking cells. Yesterday im sulking, im blue and im crying and today i found myself dancing in my kitchen while making coffee. What’s the deal with me? How crazy im on a scale of 1 to 10?

I cant read the Fountainhead because i dont like the book’s print; the print edition is sort of sad and difficult to read for me. My copy is sad. So now i m reading Silent House and im hoping to finish it before my online order of Sarah’s Keys arrives.

Last night’s Greys Anatomy and Glee episodes were pretty nice. I love them both but then its something you already know.

Its a crazy day because i dont know what’s my mental status. Am i happy? Am i sad? Am i confused? Am i numb? All i know i’m kind of lost somewhere. If only i had power to freeze time, if only i could fix my heart, if only i could become somebody else, if only i could end the parallel world inside me.

Sometimes i sit debating whether to read or watch a movie or episode or go out or workout and an hour later i find myself sitting just where i was wondering what happened? why didn’t i decide what to do? why i didn’t do anything at all? why and how i ended up wasting an hour or two without knowing it? Where am i so lost? Where is my mind?

I better go now, will brush my teeth and read 2-3 pages maybe or just fall asleep again like i have been doing since yesterday.

 

 

I buy books,even though i hardly open them…!!!!

 

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That’s what i did today. I drove to city all alone in the rain because i wanted to enjoy the weather. I also worked on Jane Doe a little before i went for my drive.

I bought me two books, Silent House and The Perks of Being a Wildflower. Because that’s how i tell myself dont worry. Drive in rain and book shopping is probably best way to enjoy a Saturday. Truth is everything i do is solely based on making me walk a little more. the stories, the music, the shopping and the haircut which is making me pretty much happy.

I think some of my favourite shows are coming to their end, Grey’s Anatomy, Vampire Diaries and PLL. Man! that will make me sad. Last night i saw pilot epi of Homeland. pretty impressed.

Got to go now, will spend some time on Jane Doe and then i might read or watch an episode or a movie.

Some nights i close my eyes and imagine myself living in a world where i am no longer bounded by pretenses. I try to imagine myself in a happier mode, where i meet someone and fall in love. These fictional characters and their stories take me to such world, make me live my wishes.

Goodnight World!

 

 

 

 

 

Date night with Fiction…!!!!

I watched Vampire Diaries and then 2-3 episodes of Gossip Girl, now I’m on break checking my blog before I go back to my episode marathon. I have Grey’s anatomy, Glee, Revenge, PLL waiting for me. What crazy? No no no, I assure you this isnt crazy. This is just a means of stopping crazy to get to me.

Anyhow, before I go back to my date with fiction I thought I will tell you how I survived the day. Well, simple some music, some more music and more. Every time I found myself slipping into blues, I did the self pep talk. Telling myself I was doing well, the smile was perfect and its just few hours to go. Truth is at one point when the clock said just 2 hours more; I actually found myself happy which is nice because I kind of don’t remember what happy spells like.

Singers like Ke$ha don’t give my kind of songs, but they do give music that gets you through a Friday. So I successfully survived the day and now I’m back in my room broken and hurt. That’s why so many episodes, because I want to live in a world that doesn’t hurt. I want to get lost in stories, characters, fiction and a different world.

I think it’s the whole mood thing, I’m having too much of doughnut, chocolate, Nutella and anything that is sweet. Not good. Not good. God! I need to quite chocolate and start working out again. Monday I will do just the same, but till then I have a recovery phase to go through.

So I’m going to work on my stories and listen to as much music as possible, stay lazy and dirty.

To Me,

It’s okay to fall. Even when you are down and blue, you smell of awesomeness. It’s okay to hurt. It might not get better but you are a good person.

Myself

See, this is what I do. I talk to myself and try to pick myself from the ground, but sometimes its take time. I am going to crash and burn every thinking cell in my brain with all night episode so I go to sleep with no, whatsoever, recollection of last two days. I can’t afford to think that makes me sad.

Before I go there is a post I want to share you guys:

http://renatafbarcelos.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/indiesforward-what-if-you-couldnt-promote-your-own-book/

I hope, wish, someday i would get to feel the rush one gets by getting his/her own book published.

Goodnight World!

Maybe there is no dawn, but there is always a weekend…!!!!

While Shoda Rhimes did what she does best, killing her characters, today’s Greys Anatomy’s episode made smile and smile big…

Its almost 4 in the morning and i have seen so many episodes that i think its enough for one night. Sometimes i wonder for how long will i try to hide behind stories and characters that arent real? Anyhow, for now i can say fiction and stories make me forget the real world. though when it ends, im back to the place that hurts.

Happy Weekend to all. Goodnight World!

The writer in me is the real me, everything else is a lie…!!!!

NaNo makes me feel like I’m back in school…if I waste time, I feel guilty. Am almost 23K and I could have crossed 25K,but I waste time.

O and I can’t stay away from Glee or Grey’s Anatomy. I didn’t get much of Glease but loved Grey’s Anatomy today. Both the shows have made me smile because my favorite characters are back…almost.

So right now I have a feeling my life is screwed to a level I can’t explain but I feel happy at this second. Why? Because I’m writing and living as myself. I’m me when I’m writing and when I’m not, well am someone I’m not. Real me is alive when I write, I tell stories and picture characters. Rest, everything else about me is unreal a lie. Because I’m not what anybody sees. I have a story which I live through my stories, ofcourse changing facts or that wouldn’t be a story…it would become biography.

3AM and I have words to write. I could have worked before not wasted time, but even in school my mind worked only when I was on verge of failing.

Guess life changes we don’t.

My mom is coming back tomorrow. I would never say this to her, but I missed her and my brother too.

Sometimes I have urge to talk to someone about things but I know if I opened up I won’t stop. Happened before and I realised how I couldn’t stop it. I wanted talk about my miseries everyday. It gets heavy on the other person, I realised it and decided something should just stay inside and die inside.

Oh and I think I need a haircut, but then I don’t have time. And I need sweaters. Am hungry too at 3AM, wish I could get me coffee. And am babbling.

I better go now. Looking forward to meet my old college friend tomorrow. We were like a gang back then. I miss college sometimes but then I realised I looked horrible with braces and the worst haircut of my life.
Babbling again. Fck.

Goodnight world!

Mom’s are super heroes…!!!!

This morning i woke up with the weirdest and funniest dream ever. Everytime im like my dreams cant go any more crazy, i end up getting a surprise. To a normal person what i dreamt would have felt like a good dream but since im the dark and twisty one, i woke up freaked out. Dont even ask me what it was.

My mom and brother have left for a family function and now its just my father, snowy and me left back at home. Im already missing them, though i never tell them this when they are around. Now im the lady of the house which means, i got to get up early fix my dad his breakfast, give snowy his breakfast, pack my breakfast and lunch and then come home to work on dinner. Mom’s are super heroes, no doubt.

I have decided against watching Greys and Glee for next few days, so i can focus on NaNo but i dont how can i manage that. i love these two shows.

Good news i have crossed 20,000 bad news its still too less.

“Dont hold your breath, you stop thinking when you stop breathing…Breathe”

I’m a totally crazy kid, if am allowed to call myself a kid, because right now I’m sitting on my bed under the quilt with my laptop and headphones. Its 2 am and I’m almost dancing trying to make sure I do not end up throwing the laptop and waking up my Snowy who is pretty much cursing me for not sleeping.

So, why I’m dancing while being buried under the quilt, with my laptop on me? Simple, I just had best back to back episode marathon. Grey’s Anatomy just made me cry with a smile and Glee o man o man I missed you. The musical audition had some amazing songs and Marlie is my favourite Glee kid now, though I still miss Santana but Marley is pretty awesome too. And if I can get me a cap like hers, I guess I would be happy to grow my hair.

The last scene of Grey’s Anatomy when Meredith hugs Christina was so emotional but it wasn’t sad. It was like a different kind of emotional. This time they had an episode solely focused on these two besties and their life in different parts of the world. I love them both and the kind of rapport their share, I can still imagine the first episode when all they wanted was to get that surgery with McDreamy. Today they are each other’s person. For a change an emotional episode made me not feel sad like “why-do-I-watch-Greys” sad.

Now Glee, there was no Santana, no Kurt or Rachael but it still had a pretty decent plot with new comers showing their talent. Unique and Marley’s audition was awesome…and I loved Kitty and Jake’s audition too. Wish they had given more scenes to Blaine.

This is what I was waiting for past few days finally I got my Friday night. Music makes me breathe and dance and cry and believe….!!!!

Both these episodes had some really awesome quotes. Winner would be “Dreams aren’t free”

I was happy sad, I was sad sad and I was happy happy. Fiction does this to me, makes me feel all the emotions I lock up. That’s why I write Dominique or Jane Doe.

So it’s Friday night which means from tomorrow I have my holidays. Today no one was in working mood, everyone was acting like me…looking at the time. And when the clock struck 630, all I could hear were happy voices wishing each other “Happy Diwali”. I’m not a festival person but I’m a holiday person. Diwali is one awesome festival but I prefer to celebrate it my own way, different from others. Will tell how on Tuesday, till then I have something else to offer. Tomorrow I plan to upload an excerpt from Jane Doe.

Today one of my best friends was discussing politics and she asked me some question about my view son something and I said something like I don’t care, I have no views. She was a little disappointed at the answer but I couldn’t really say anything else. Truth is I’m not that girl who has no idea what’s going on in her country or around the world and who has no opinions to give…but now I don’t care to give my opinion or say how I feel about a particular scenario. Truth is reason i don’t care to give my opinion is because no matter who wins the election, which party gets the maximum votes, im pretty much screwed for the rest of my life. The dagger inside me is not going anywhere, no matter who wins or lose. Guess it makes me a shallow person, but i think its the anger and helplessness.

So i got to go now. Good night world!

 

i tell myself hugs are overrated…my heart doesnt buy it…!!!!

While today i was in a better mood, because unlike yesterday i wasn’t in tears, but there is a sense of anxiety within. But still lot better than yesterday, when every part inside me was breaking into a million pieces begging me to give up.

Sometimes i feel bad about not being able to react like normal people do at different news. In years of pretending and hiding i have lost touch with “right emotions at the right time”. Anyhow, there were some really good moments during the day which made me happy too. Now  all i need for now is for Friday to get over quickly, so i can come home and get a dose of Glee and Greys and lots of writing. Two days of writing and writing and writing. Because this the only free weekend with me, next weekend i have guests and wedding to attend. How the fck am i suppose to finish Jane Doe on time? Freaking out big time.

I will be going to NaNoWri now because im burdened by backlog, so much of it.

Days like yesterday often end up with me telling myself that hugs are overrated and i don’t need one. Hoping i would believe it but i don’t.

100+ Followers? Really? Seriously? Yay! Go Little…!!!!

Today I want to start with a big

Because I crossed the bloody awesome mark of 100 followers which is a big thing for me, like B.I.G…B.I.G. Past few months have been sort of a battle with myself, my fears, my thoughts and my inability to move forward. Blogging was suppose to be my way of working on my creative writing in terms of articles on current news, political issues, world and national happening, but now it’s actually my virtual diary where I can add a video or picture.

When I got my first follower I was like “Whoa! This person likes my blog”. Today with the number of followers going over 100 I still can’t believe people like my stuff. It also makes me happy because I, often, doubt my writing, because my monotonous job has made me believe that I can’t write that the writer in me has basically gone rusty.

Either you people are AWESOME or insane because there are no reasons for actually liking my writing. I’m so glad I found you or you found me, either ways I’m just so glad and happy.

So, here I’m thanking each one of you for following, reading, linking, commenting and for just being the part of this blog.

I may not be a big fish but being in the pool of WordPress is enough. My favorite part of the day is when I’m in my room working on my blog with my headphones on.

Something about myself for new followers:

–          I am obsessed with idea that I have resemblance to Super Heroes because like them I lie and pretend to be someone else.

–          I am obsessed with Meg Ryan movies

–          I think singers are beautiful people and I wish I could be one of them

–          Pretty Little Liars is on my mind all the time

–          I think I will get sad the day Glee, Greys Anatomy and Vampire Diaries come to an end

–          My dog is my love. I like to tell him that he is awesome

–          I’m not a praying kind but every time I do I ask God to keep my loved ones happy and healthy

–          I seek approval for things from two people

–          I’m not a good writer but I like to write anyway because it’s all I can do

–          I call  my work place Gotham City and pretend to be Batman

–          I sing in my car with windows up

–          I don’t know how to dance and I don’t really care but I wish I knew how to moonwalk

–          Avril lavigne, Lady Gaga are two people you will always find in my phone

–          Sometimes I listen to a song for one whole day and then it dies

–          Take the songs in my phone away from me and you might end-up killing me

–          I talk to myself a lot

–          I lie to get out of social get-together

–          Nothing in this world can make me stop liking Pasta

–          Buying books makes me happy even I don’t read them. If you find me buying books, you can ask me “what’s wrong?”

Today was a nice day, i met a very awesome friend of mine and it made me happy. There are few people who make me feel cheerful to the core because they dont mind the way im.

Then i went for Cloud Atlas with my brother and another friend.

But the realization that weekend is over was there every second. Man! i hate Mondays and i hate that i say this because i was once a Monday person. For next few days i will go everywhere in my scooter because my car is gone for repair. I have to now drive my scooter in cold weather because two young girls were out testing their driving skills. 😦 😦

Leaving you guys with my all time favorite song.

Jeez! Batman you are cheerful today…what’s wrong?

So strange thing happened today and just like any other day I told myself “you are beyond repair, you are that twisted”.  I fail to understand myself sometimes.

For past 3-4 days I have been blue, so blue and dark that not only I almost became the crazy “Me” I was once, but I also lost all my focus at work. I mean I lost my focus at home, at work and was even ignoring people I hang out with, all this while counting second, minutes and hours to Friday evening so I can I come home and become the piece of despair with no more obligation to pretend. I mean I don’t know what happened but i do know it frkn scared me.

You know I’m a fan of myself, I think I’m an amazing person and when I snap and break like this I get scared and worried because it can make me walk to my crazy days.

Voices: Ahem!

Me: What?

Voices: Stop with the history dude

Me: Dammit!

See, this is what I meant …I’m losing focus easily. Okay! So after having an episode of serious blues I for some unknown reason woke up to a very energetic and lively mood. I woke up with good mood – Strange, I was driving with happy song playing in my car – strange, I was cheerful all day long – strange, I was a rock star at work – strange, I did not look at watch and said “What’s the time? Why is the time not moving?” – Strange strange strange.

One word to describe the day STRANGE.

I won’t say I was happy, I won’t say I fixed the snap, but yes I was certainly in control of myself unlike last few says when I couldn’t even pretend to be in control. I clearly remember when I was standing with two Project Managers and this happened. True Story!

PM 1 – Okay so we need banners for Facebook page

PM2– I will give you the size

Me – Nodding and nodding

PM1 – Blah blah blah

PM2 – Blah blah blah

Me – why are they saying Blah blah blah?

Voices – Dude! You are going cuckoo

Me – Look there is a bird outside drinking water from AC duct

Voices – you need help

Me – look it’s a pigeon. I thought it’s a crow.

PM1 – So this is how the concept would go. Can you get them done?

PM2– I have sent you the link

Me (Nodding left and right) – Yes sure absolutely

PM1 – Blah blah blah

PM2 – Blah blah blah

Me – what’s the time? One, more hour to go. Man I have never been to so happy about a dentist appointment. Hey! look the bird is still there. Wonder how thirsty is she or he?

Voices (Rolling Eyes) – Dude!

Believe me this happened, I was actually busy looking at the pigeon while managing to nod at the right time. I have tendency of walking in and out of a conversation, done before too.

Waking up cheerful and going back home with “Club Can’t Handle me” at loud volume made me wonder what triggered the mood? I mean I still feel the dagger inside and I still think I’m doomed. I think it’s because

A-     It was Friday

B-      My poor body is sick of being tired

C-      Can’t cry no more

D-     Talking to my friend helped

Right now I feel safe, scared, yet safe. I don’t know what’s really sad, being sad all the time or smiling while pretending to love myself over everything else? Even at the end of a day like this when I’m cheerful I live with a heartache.

Okay, so I have got Greys anatomy for tonight along with the Partners and few other shows but I miss Glee and I don’t know why it won’t come. Irony of life, I hate Mondays yet I wait for one because of the season comeback of Pretty Little Liars. You never learn how to use the word till life makes you feel it right there where it hurts. Dammit!

Got to go now, have few episodes waiting for me along with a page or two of Dominique. It’s party time people, me and weekend. Fun starts now. Tomorrow I plan to work on Dominique and a story chart of NaNoWriMo. I still don’t know how I will manage to write 1600 plus words every day. No clue!