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Only other fictional character I grieved for after Meg’s Capt. Karen Emma Walden is Bullet from The Killing.
Its super late and I’m up trying to finish my SJ Bolton book. There was a time I used to finish reading so quickly and now it takes me weeks, thanks to Tv shows.
Time to sleep.
I can’t write, I just can’t. When I became a blue person and got the darkness inside me I found comfort in writing, I started writing and wrote and wrote. But now I can’t write; I find it hard to write anything.
My anger, agony and grief are so heavy that I can’t even do things that I love to. My friend asked me out for a movie, I said no and she couldn’t get why on earth I would say no to a movie when I love movies.
It’s not just the fact that I am grieving, it’s the fact that my pain of losing Snowy has just added to the everyday hurting. All these hours that I have spent, since last night, watching TV shows were just focused on killing the thinking cells inside my head. But unfortunately I have pretty active and effective brain cells they won’t stop doing what they do, thinking…they won’t stop thinking.
Today I cleaned my room a little and found this notebook with a story, just 3-4 pages written on a plot that I once had on my mind. I re-read it and it felt nice because it made me want to sit and write. But I dint.
Here is the thing, I am a good person in the sense I have never really done anything bad to anyone but I’m a disappointment for many. For people who love me, my family and friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls in my office who I personally do not like for they are so fake and crazy but at least they want normal things in life like a wedding, a husband, and a family. I am nice, not fake and less crazy compared to them but I disappoint people who love me. My stubbornness and different choices in life worries people who love me and I’m well aware of that. So what do I do? Be me or be someone they want? Either ways someone gets hurt.
A week before I lost Snowy, I had a bad 2-3 days so bad I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was dying inside but I didn’t. Things cooled down I was finally breathing but then I lost someone I can’t forget, someone I miss so much.
Yesterday night I was crying and I didn’t know why…I mean I didn’t know was I crying because of the conversation I had with my mother 2 weeks ago or was I crying because I miss Snowy so much. Well I woke up with a dream about him so maybe I was crying because of him but then I was and even now I m thinking of my mother. How I wish she had a better person as her daughter. So basically I’m sad and broken and going crazy but for several reasons, one isn’t enough I guess.
Saddest thing is it makes me sad to not want to be me…in the world inside my head, im awesome!!
I have been blue for so long, have had worst nightmare, bad thoughts, and self-destructive ideas but never in my life I felt a pain like today. Usually when I’m sad it’s a physical pain that hurts somewhere inside me, I feel heavy and sad which gets better once I cry it out. This pain is not physical, not heavy and nothing that I can forget over a good cup of coffee, a nice movie and a happy day. Its emptiness. I feel empty and I can’t fill it. A part of me died today when my Snowy died.
People think I’m sad, but it’s not sadness it’s like living in absence of something. Since morning my room, my bed, my house and my life feels weird. Like something is missing and I can’t find it anymore. But I have to. I need to. But I can’t.
I don’t want to be like this, I don’t people to know I’m sad because it would hurt me if someone said “its okay, he was a dog”. It would. But I can’t stop grieving.
I couldn’t sleep last night because he was restless, in pain and ill. Ever since he got sick I tried to tell myself that one day we might have to put him down for his good; to save him from pain. I never thought I would see him die. I did. He stopped breathing right in front of me. I cannot get this morning out of my mind. His face, when he died, won’t leave my eyes. I have never seen anyone die before, I have never cried on anyone’s death before. When i called his name and tried to check his pulse, i heard heavy heart thumping noise coming from inside me. I felt my heartbeat, i heard it loud.
I don’t want anyone to tell me to stop being sad because he was a dog, he was ill and its ok now. I don’t want to tell myself “cry now all you want don’t do it tomorrow or people will think you are being dramatic”. I want to cry because I’m sad, I’m broken and I miss him.
Even now I keep forgetting he is not here and I try to look at the corner of my bed wanting to check if he is sleeping okay. Lights went out and I almost said “people don’t step on Snowy”, I didn’t.
I hope, I just hope, he knew how much I loved him. I am so thankful to him for coming into my life.