If I could go back and meet the 5 year old me, I would just hug her and tell her nothing. Don’t want to scare a little girl by telling how painful being a grown up is.
I wish somebody would hug me right now and say nothing, not that I don’t want them to scare me it’s just that I’m pretty much aware of my worst case scenarios. A hug without words wouldn’t change nothing, but I still could use one for no reason.
At least kids have the luxury of having invisible friends, grown ups just have to end with a sad blog, a sad song and a comforting cup of coffee that would hurt later even more.
Just in a self-pity and I-hate-the-world mode…
Imagine ‘Two beds and a coffee machine’ being played in the background…
Another ditch in the road you keep moving, another stop sign you keep moving on…
I would like to believe somebody somewhere is singing a song for me, even though they don’t know me. Maybe a Brandi Carlile song ‘Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain’.
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Imagine a tiny looking grown up, with messy hair and a lost look on her face, standing with a sign board that reads – Need a Hug
Being young, crazy, uncontrollable and rebellious is not hard to get. Everyone goes through it. I am 28 and i still think i haven’t grown up enough to be a good person so i don’t think i can judge anyone and ask them to grow up. But Miley Cyrus makes me wonder what’s wrong with us.
I was never a Hannah Montana fan or never was fan of Miley’s music but her behavior still makes me worry because she was once (i so hope its WAS) a big star for our little ones. The young girls who loved Hannah Montana, who sang Miley’s funky pop songs. Like i said i don’t care about Miley on personal level, not my kind of music person, but when i see her doing what she is doing my thoughts go back to my two nieces who bought Hannah Montana school bags and Hannah Montana wallets. I hope they don’t get to see what their favorite Disney star has turned into.
Because i know how, when we are young, we love to dress up or act like a celebrity we love or adore. But when you are someone people look up to, you need to know you have an influence on those who follow you.
Like that quote by Uncle Ben from Spiderman:
“With great power comes great responsibility.”
Guess, nobody told this (or anything at all) to Miley . She could use someone with few do’s and dont’s for her because we all need someone (even the sanest of us) to steer us when going off the road.
Leaving you with a beautiful song by Mandy Moore from “A walk to remember”
I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.
I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.
Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.
How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:
“You know you should grow your hair”
“Why don’t you wear heel?”
“Wow? You never wore mascara?”
“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”
“So do you have a boyfriend?”
“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”
I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.
I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.
I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me. Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.
When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.
The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.
You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.
I have stopped playing Holi and celebrating this day for long now. No big reason just happened automatically, but am always grateful for the fact that its a holiday for us.
Though I had a sleepy and busy day I also found myself struggling with some old childhood memories which reminded me why I wanted to grow up. And I also found myself struggling with a sadness I can’t explain.
To add to it I end up seeing a girl playing with her dog on the street and another one walking her dog. Beautiful scene but painful.
I don’t know why I stayed awake till 530 in morning trying to keep myself busy with episodes and movies. And why I’m still awake even though I have work tomorrow. I wish I knew why I like to force my eyes and my mind to stay awake when they are clearly begging for lights to turn off.
It wasn’t a sad day but I’m.
Also, I want to apologize for missing on other blogs. Haven’t visited a lot of blogs for sometime now. Its just I don’t know how to focus on things.
Truth is right now I feel naked and exposed, no hope no belief nothing. Its like I can’t stop seeing the reality and its hurting me to know what’s going to happen tomorrow.
Feck! I just brushed my teeth and now my tears are begging me to go for the box of Ferrero Rocher in my fridge. Really?
I better sleep now before I end up actually eating one of those chocolates.
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“Jane Doe” that’s what I plan to name my NaNo work though I still have no faith in me and my ability to make it but there is no harm is trying. Although I would miss Dominique for next one month and no Dominique might make me sad, but I have to stop thinking about it for few days.
So, Jane Doe is pretty much my next task for the darkness inside me. I think I have mentioned this before, writing makes me human and it keeps me connected to the emotions inside me. I rarely feel emotions like I should; sometimes I’m just too cold for others. My friends tell me that I’m a nice person but I’m self obsessed and self absorbed and mean and rude. I don’t deny it. Only good thing that I see in me is that I do not lie about myself or deny my flaws. Writing is one place I feel emotions I should feel, love, friendship, happiness, loss and so on.
When I was a teenager, still trying to wonder what’s wrong with my tiny little mind, I was convinced that I was going to be best girl friend or wife ever. I was sure that nothing in this world could make me not work on my relationship. I don’t know what in the world made me believe all that because not only am I least interested in marrying, I have never even had a real relationship. Crazy haan? I know. I would blame all those Hollywood and bollywood movies that I have been watching all my life. Those were the days when movies were all about action or love stories. I don’t remember about kids? I hope I wasn’t convinced that I was going to be the best mother of all the time, because clearly kids shouldn’t be kept under my supervision. Not that I am harmful, I love kids, they love me too, as I’m always the one surrounded by kids in my family gatherings, but I’m not the role model one can have.
I was also sure I was going to like it being a grown up, which is funny because being one has made me realise that the big world of grownups is a mean place. It’s like a game where you play with their rules and if you don’t you are pretty much out or as grownups say “you are screwed”.
Voices: Hey genius
Voices (Shaking Head): Dude!
Me: What now?
Voices: Jane Doe …Jane Doe…
So, I was supposed to tell you about Jane Doe. Don’t know why I walk out of a topic. Jane Doe is going to be a story about my lead character but the story would be told by two people, who meet in an accident. I don’t know how I plan to end it or even the body, but I have a start in my mind. A picture is ready only I don’t know where to go from there.
I am also searching for few songs that will help me with the scenes, as I can’t write if I don’t have music. Americano is one song that has been helping me a little but I need more. Good thing NaNo begins with a weekend so I have time too think and think.
Today, I (mentally) created a whole chapter of Dominique while staring at my computer at work. Yes I can do that.
I remember now when I was kid at one particular phase i wanted to be nothing but a house wife. Oh this has to be the funniest part of my being a kid. Still laughing now that i remember it. Hmm…If I could go back in time what would I do?
ME NOW: Hey little
ME THEN: Hi
ME NOW: What are you doing?
ME THEN: Watching a nice movie. Why?
ME NOW: Nothing, just don’t believe in what they show. You know true love is not meant for you. And of course you are not going to be crying in tears seeing a ring on your finger.
ME THEN: blinking eyes with open mouth
ME NOW: You know it’s pretty obvious happily ever after is just what they say in stories. Oh and really a writer? Do me a favour; work on your other subjects too. Little girl why don’t you work hard on your science? Scientists are cool people too.
ME THEN: blinking eyes with open mouth
ME NOW: And no, failing in Math does not means you opt for house wife as a profession. Its just a subject.
ME NOW: And believe me no one lives under your bed. Stop jumping directly from the bed to out of your room. Not cool.
ME THEN: watching TV again
ME NOW: Hey did you hear me?
Mom is write I should eat more veggies I have started seeing things. Maybe I should not throw my milk in washbasin.
ME NOW: right about the milk…STOP THROWING YOUR MILK. Huh!
Anyhow, so I have started Harry Potter 2 today and I don’t know how many earth years am I going to take to finish. Got to go now.