Er, excuse me mister, can i buy a copy of ‘Simple steps to act like a grown-up’…

I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.

I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.

Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.

How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:

“You know you should grow your hair”

“Why don’t you wear heel?”

“Wow?  You never wore mascara?”

“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”

“So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”

I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.

I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.

I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me.  Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.

When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.

The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.

You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.

 

 

 

Love happens to me too…True Story!!!!

Have you ever had a moment where you saw someone and fell in a silly crush kind of love? Even though that person is just a stranger who would just walk by and you would never see him/her again?

Happens to me someone times. Sometimes I see someone and get this crazy crush where I can’t stop looking at that person and to make sure I don’t come out as a creepy stalker I have to act like I didn’t notice the person, whereas the truth is I can’t stop looking at that person. I remember a family wedding where I had this silly first look crush on my cousin’s friend.

Yesterday I saw someone in a coffee house and I fell in love with that person, the eyes, the hair…While I had my eyes on that person, all I could hear were voices in my head shaking their head and murmuring among themselves about what a lunatic I’m.

Me: Whoa!

Voices in my head: What? Did you find a word? Is it a Double Word score?

Me: I think I’m in love. Look.

Voices in my head: Huh! Seriously? Be cool

Me: I am just saying

Voices in my head: Love? You don’t even know that person. Plus have you seen yourself in mirror?

Me: Yes I’m sure I look better than the creepy voices inside my head

Voices in my head: Below the belt

Me: Sue me

Voices in my head: Need we remind you…you can’t fall in love

Me: Okay but I can admire a good-looking person with great hair, pretty eyes and …

Me: Wait where did…?

Voices in my head: Left. So what were you saying?

Me: Love something…I don’t know. I …

Voices in my head: What smarty pants?

Me: I think I just lost my scrabble game

Voices in my head: You know why?

Me: I was busy falling in love?

Voices in my head: Nooo…there is no LOOVVEE…

Voices in my head: You lost because you don’t know how to use Q with 10 points

Voices in my head: Man! You need a dictionary

Voices in my head: Tonight we will study words with Q, Z, Y…

Me: I bet that person noticed I was looking. I’m not even dressed well. I should have worn something better.

Voices in my head: beating-head-against-the-wall