a wanderer…!!!!

Paris tonight

Berlin tomorrow

Map on right

Backpack on left

Not enough time

To be the only sorrow

No internet

Yet making friend after friend

Second hand books

Nothing left unread

Shared numbers

On tissue papers

A love letter penned

On a foreign currency

Only one bag-5clothes

Yet living In ecstasy

Traveler in day

Dreamer at night

No place to stay

But a plan in sight

With a goal to get lost

In a road to nowhere

She wishes

To be a wanderer

Nothing but 

An owner

Of pictures

Stories

Adventures

With

Paris tonight

Berlin tomorrow…!!!!

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the better side of the window…!!!!

I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.

Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?

I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.

Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.

Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.

But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?

I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.

Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.

It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.

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If there would ever be a job opening for a Zone Out Expert, I would nail the interview…like I’m the one!!!

Sometimes I close my eyes and sometimes I stare at whatever is there right in front of me and zone out, either ways I just go to a place where I’m a fun person doing things I don’t do.

In my zoned out world I’m often a happy soul jumping, dancing, falling in love, flirting, kissing a stranger, getting drunk, hitchhiking, backpacking, traveling and doing every thing that you would do in a rom-com. Most of my zoned out moments are like being in a music video.

Reminds me of that dialogue from Sleepless in Seattle “You don’t want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie”.

Often on bad days Im zoning out a lot, its kind of my defense mechanism. It’s one place, everything is better if not real.

P.S Gin Wigmore…how great is she?

 

Hi my name is Little and I’m an addict…only I dont do drugs

No I dont do drugs, not a drinker and never smoked a pot but I’m addicted to stories in Tv Shows, books and movies. My latest addiction is The Fosters and I’m in love with the show and every single person in that show. I cant go back to my book or my stories because I cant get myself away from the The Fosters Marathon. It brings a smile to my face. I love Lena and Steph and Jude and Mariana and Jesus and even the reckless & in love Brandon & Callie.

Sometimes when I read a book or watch a show with a story that has heavy human emotions, relationships, drama and all hardcore family or friendship element, I kind of wish I could just close my eyes and step inside the story, to live it & to be one of them.

Because fiction is the only place where its okay to be the messed up one.

And I love love love this song from the show…

Dear Me-5-Years-From-Now,

Dear Me-5-Years-From-Now,

I don’t know if you and I are the same, because I’m definitely not what I was 5 years from today but I do hope you are somewhat close to being happy. Funny thing is I was never happy, not even when I think I was. I guess this is where we sing our anthem Born This Way. I, also, do hope you are still hooked to the headphones because if you are I know you are safe and you’ll make it through whatever there is 5 years from now.

It would be crazy if you are anything like what I’m today because it would mean my level of anxieties, fear and blues are just the same. No scope of decline. Please tell me, 5 years from now you have finally found a way to get up early in the morning, because I’m sure I would be a late night person even years from now. And I also hope, so hope, that you managed to travel. Please tell me, you are or were in NYC. Please say yes. Please. Please.

It’s not that things are bad right now, not really, but they are definitely at a blind turn. So, I can only wonder what and where I would be next year or 5 years down the line. Just hope, I’m still not in Gotham. That would be the saddest thing apart from many other things that could happen.

I don’t know why I’m talking to you today, guess it’s because I can’t stop wondering if things would ever change like good-change. Would I ever get to stop being Batman, will there ever be a day I would leave Gotham and what about true love? I guess, my probability of finding water on Mars is way more than finding true love on earth. So, I just hope if not love at least you would have travel stories or a new job adventures going on.

Happiness is just a word and I know even if you have some of the things that I dream about, or wish for, you’d still be not happy happy. That’s not your fault. We have been stained by the ache so bad; there is no detergent to wash it away. But, if you are traveling or doing something you love its almost being happy. Not getting panic attacks anymore is the closest to happiness you would ever be. That I know. More than anything, I wish you are no longer lying cause if you are then I guess you too would find yourself with a letter like this for the 10 years later version of me. I know you too would want to know what I want to know, if the hiding and crying has stopped or not.

Yesterday and Today were crazy days at Gotham, which made me wonder what have I earned or learned in past 8 years, in terms of the work thing. Personally, of course, past 8 years have given, taken and taught a lot.

Among all the questions of who and what I’m 5 years from now, I have to ask this…Are you still writing? Did you manage to find a way to share your stories? Dear me 5 years from now, please be whatever and whoever, just don’t give up on the stories in your head even if it’s just for your eyes, because these stories are the only thing that have kept me going along with few good people. So, I hope you still have your stories and those few good people with you. If you have, I know you are okay and I’m going to be okay whether things are not what you and I want.

Hoping and wishing best,

Little from 2015

P.S No matter what, just keep hanging on.

P.P.S If the voices in your head are still mean, ignore. Like I’m doing right now, while writing this post.