Story of a writer who writes stories…

The moment of pride, joy and sorrow for a writer when the story comes to its last line, last word…even if it’s just a file in a folder for many, it’s child to its creater who gave birth to the names, people and protagonists living inside those pages.

After going through ups and downs with those people every day, when rest of the world went to sleep, the writer is now left alone and sad…like the parent whose child has moved out for a job or a best friend who is now in another city…what now?

The joy and the sigh of strange pain…story of a writer who writes stories.

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Just one of those days when I miss the voices…

Have you ever had a day where you don’t feel anything? You are not happy, but you are not sad either. No anger or fear or anxiety. Nothing. You end up wishing for some kind of emotions, anything would do heck even tears would be great but there aren’t any cause you ain’t sad. No sadness. 

The only fraction of emotion that you feel is doubt. You wonder and doubt whether you’re even alive. Because you are that numb.

So you try to read but you’re not interested, you try to write a story but for that you need emotions but there aren’t any, you open your laptop to watch a movie but you don’t feel like. 

Not only do you not feel any emotion, you don’t even feel like doing things that you love. 

Have you ever had a day where voices in your head are locked somewhere, you do occasionally hear a muffled scream begging you to do something but you cant make out the words and have no interest in even trying? 

Have you?

No emotion is the worst kind of emotion

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Rumor has it that Little got inked…!!!!!

I did. I did. I got inked.

For past few weeks, I have been working towards this day. Convincing the family, convincing myself. So, finally it was time. Since Monday I was nervous, freaking out and kind of (SUPER) scared about today. But, I woke up with this thought that if I can walk into a tattoo parlor all by myself and get it over with, I could practically do anything else.

So, I did it. I drove to the Tattoo parlor, sat there and got what I always wanted…musical notes inked on my wrist. That’s another check on the bucket list.

While, I spent last few days breathing heavy and hard shifting from left to right with the anxiety I feel numb right now. Yes, I’m happy. No doubt. I finally have a story now, not that I don’t cause God knows I have a story but now I have a crazy and fun story. Like, guess what I did before I turned 30 kind of story. So yes, I’m happy and thrilled to have followed my heart. But, I don’t know why I’m not jumping. I should be, shouldn’t I?

It’s just that it didn’t feel any different. Not that getting a tattoo could ease the hurt but I thought it would feel different.

Though, I do feel proud of me. It feels like taking control of my life even if it’s for one day. Dude, a tattoo is no joke but I did it even when I had no one to sit there with me with a camera aimed at my am-cool-am-cool-oh-god-am-going-to-die face.

I’m so effin proud of facing my fears and fighting for what I wanted for so long. Truth is, I might not feel different about things in my head but I do feel brave. Cause I just got a Tat… and rumors are true.

Dear Me,

Remember that day you sat there on your bed inking a tattoo on your wrist with a pen, because no way on earth could you ever get one for real.

So, don’t give up on dawn. Not yet.

Myself

 

Super heroes are pathological lairs…!!!!

Today a weird but factually correct thought crossed my mind, i’m a pathological liar and a narcissist. Yes, together these words are a very bad combination and under any circumstances a person with such abilities is usually doomed to sink. But, in my case i think these are few of many reasons i am surviving.

Now that i think about it, i lie all the time all day long. Sometimes i lie to people because i have no energy to explain them my reasons to ignore the social events or gatherings or things. Sometimes i lie to people because only i know there is no answer to questions like ‘You okay?’. Sometimes lying is so easy because i do not under any circumstances want to talk about words like ‘love’, marriage’ and ‘relationships’. Then there are lies i offer to people who matter for real, people who love me but often get burdened by my inability to be like them. I lie to family and friends because i believe some questions must remain unanswered for sake of effin peace.

I don’t know if there will ever be a day when i will no more have to lie…I guess, the mask you wear becomes who you are…the case of a lie and a liar…

I don’t know why the thought, because I’ve had an amazing day today. Kind of rosy and peachy Friday for me. I think it has to do with the week. I think it’s also coming from the sleep deprived mind of mine that i have been starving of a good 8 hours of nap time.

I’m eagerly waiting for my book from Amazon which would arrive around 16.

Better go now, it was a good day today. Because it was one of those days where you learn that even though all you see are threads there is a hand too, holding you, trying to make sure you don’t fall.

P.S Once again Agnes Obel is amazing…