So I cried at the end of The Danish Girl…!!!!

Today after a long time I did a movie marathon in theater. I needed it so badly. When I sit there in the dark hall looking at the huge large screen with stories and background music, I forget everything else.

Sitting alone in dark with random strangers all busy looking ahead, I fall in love with life and the fact that there is a world out there. Movies make me see the world and meet people, something I’ll never do in my reality.

Stories. I breathe on them, books or movies.

Anyhow, out of the two movies that I saw one was The Danish Girl. Eddie Redmayne was brilliant. Just brilliant, so was Alicia Vikander. At the end, at the very last scene, tears strolled down my cheeks and I thanked myself for being a solo movie-goer.

I loved the way Eddie Redmayne portrayed the struggle and pride of someone wanting to be true and honest and accepting of who they are. And I loved Alicia’s character and her unconditional support in the journey of transformation of Einar into Lily. Now I don’t know how real is this reality based story, but whatever I saw was beautifully presented and too emotional.

I don’t know much about transgender community. But I do wonder how hard it must be for them with so much of judgement. I wish world was not about guns and hatred but about accepting. But then again that’s just me. And I’m nobody. World is not made of me, which is both good and bad.

Truth is God doesn’t hate anyone no matter who you are, it’s us. God made us, everyone one of us every gender every sexuality every caste every color every religion. God made us. We are the one who decided to hate or not like each other.

Coming back to the movie, I loved The Danish Girl but it took me a lot of time to adjust to The Hateful Eight. Wasn’t my kind but was alright.

It’s Monday again, so I think I should say goodnight.  Time to turn off the lights, close my eyes and paint a world of my own.

I would like to end the day by sending huge hug in the cosmic world to someone anyone who is hurting. Because one day I would like to find a cosmic hug too.

Goodnight world!

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Dear Martians, Run Now…!!!!!

So we found water or at least some kind of solid proof of it presence on Mars. You know the 17 years old me, back in time, would have jumped and danced and even cried with happiness, but the 2015 me is just so worried about the repercussion of it.

What? What? What?

Well, finding water is really cool and awesome but we are “HUMANS” we believe in causing pain, destruction and every possible type of atrocities to those who wish to live in peace. We found water now we would move mountains to find life and then we would land there and effinly rule like we are ruling the sad little earth.

Step 1: Find Life

Step 2: Smile & Shake Hands

Step 3: Click a Dozen Selfies

Step 4: Punch in Face

Step 5: Ban Local Music, Religion, Culture and Put “We Mean No Harm” signs along with…

“Martians with brown or black color report to left, LGBT Martians apply to right, those belonging to following religions as listed below must restrict to certain rules and remember to smile and say WORLD PEACE for our media camera. “

When I read about a 16 year old girl being stabbed in a Pride Parade, I literally felt tears threatening me on a busy work day. All she did was be part of a peaceful pride parade celebrating the equality rights and one lunatic just walks in attacks innocent people. Shira Banki, who had all her life in front of her, lost her life because among us are people who refuse to understand that everyone deserves to live. I specially don’t get those who hurt others in name of religion because I ‘m pretty much sure God never created people for sake of hating and hurting.

3 years old Aylan, his brother and mom were not the only ones who died on that day or day before or day after. But he became the heart wrenching -rock solid proof of how war torn countries are tearing the basic fabric of humanity, causing pain by those throwing shells and mortars and by those who struggle to shelter the scared ones.

And today I read about a guy beaten to death in a small town for he was, according to rumors, having beef in a beef banned place. Well, so we the humans just killed him.

It never ends, the pain caused by us. It would never stop.

I just hope Martians would run away to another planet before we land, because we are incapable of harmony. Some of us at least are totally incapable of following ‘Live and Let Live’.

I have been so exhausted mentally lately that now everything gets on my nerves and I can’t seem to shake the stinging darkness of the world I’m living in. Sometimes I wonder if Happy Ending is really a thing, maybe it’s a myth.

Forgive me for I vent…

17 years old me: Dear God let there be life and water on Mars
30 Years old me: #LOL
Martians on Mars: BOP BEEP BOP BEEP BOP BOP BUPPP BOOOOPPPPP (Translation- Run effin Eartians found us. Dammit RUNNNNNN)

ALIEN

Only thing we learn from history is probably an idea to make a movie or write a book…!!!!

So, I come home from a very very busy day. I’m tired and I fall in front of television. There is some interview or news about some interview. The interviewer is from let’s say XYZ country and he is asking some ex military or maybe ex defense expert something that sounded more or less like this “If we ever do come to a war like situation with that country are we in state of using our nuclear power?” The interviewee sounds like a gentleman as he says “yes we can. But I hope we never have to because it would only mean destruction.”…I am already hating the question about some country having the power to destroy some other country but I love the answer. Before I could listen more to what the ex retired guy had to say power went off. So, I am sitting there wondering what and where we have come to.

Didn’t we learn anything from all those world war stories and miseries that shouted the atrocities caused by atom bombs, angry nations, self obsessed leaders and wrongly guided citizens?

I am ashamed of human race for what we have become. We are ever ready to hate each other because we belong to enemy lands or have different skin color or sexuality or not have same religion or same caste within the religion.

As I listened to that question all I could think of was why are enemy nations still carrying the grudge of ancient wars? Nuclear weapon is the thing we made to hate each other little more than we already do.

We are just bunch of stupid kids who forgot to grow up, we are only growing old.

In a world where we all are busy hating each other, music is the only thing that makes sense. Leaving you with a beautiful song that I was introduced to by fellow blogger ofsenseandsensibility

I rather be the wrong one…!!!!

Some days my heart hurts not for things inside my head but for what we have become. Us. Humans. People. We.

Everything about us is so repulsive, damaged and irreparable. I mean even God must be wondering what happened to the tiny pretty people that were created to bring life to a lonely planet. We have become Haters, Extremists, Cheats, Murderers, Terrorists and Egoistic monsters who would do anything to destroy love that is not straight, religion that is not ours, people with different skin color and accent, neighbors we were raised to dislike and humans we have never met but we truly believe are responsible for all the bad that happened to our people in some ancient history, we weren’t even part of.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe we were meant to hate each other in the name of religion, cast, color, gender and disability. Maybe I’m defected if i think otherwise. Maybe the fault is in me. But if I’m wrong, if I’m defected then I guess I don’t want anyone to fix me. I rather be broken, defective and wrong than be part of a human system that feeds on hatred and anger and vendetta.

I saw this movie today and I think it got me thinking about it. Truth be told, I dont think earth has that many years left for us to grow up and become tolerant to each other. Cause the amount of hate we have around us, it would take a good couple of hundred years for the us to be anything more.

 

lets add some love in 2015…cause world needs it so much…

may the ‪#‎NewYear‬ gives you what you want…may you want ‪#‎peace‬ ‪#‎happiness‬ and ‪#‎love‬…for #2014 has given too much pain, hatred and violence to the world…lets make a year where we open arms to people without judgement and hatred…

wishing you all a ‪#‎beautiful‬ #2015 …….!!!!!!!!

Hatred is drilling a hole in humanity

I was accidentally going to hurt a man, probably kill him, and the thought of that day still haunts me. The flashes wont stop and probably never will. And here are these people who just stormed into a school building killing kids. How can one sleep with a thought of hurting someone? Six people get up one fine morning, pick their guns and go out with blood on their mind. Why? How would killing school children solve your problem with the government or military?

Maybe they were following some universal loser’s guidebook with that ‘If you cant fight the big guys, beat the shit out of weaker ones’ rule.

Then there was this guy who decided to terrorize morning coffee drinkers sitting in a cafe in Sydney, for no reason at all.

The woman, one of the of the victims, who died in the cafe was a mother of 3 young kids. What will the father tell them? Why was mommy killed? What was her fault? or theirs?

How does hurting school going kids or innocent 9 to 5 job civilians be a part of someone’s life agenda?

These might be just news we heard or read about, chances are yesterday and today world went through some more disgusting and disturbing acts of violence in places where cameras and media couldn’t reach. Chances are some more innocent people must have suffered horribly by hands of insane minds around the world, but nobody noticed.

Truth is, hatred is drilling a hole in humanity every single day.

Because you are different…!!!!

Today I was googling something and somehow I ended up to a story of a 15 year old boy Larry King. He was shot twice by one of his school mates who was also a young boy.

I don’t know much except what I could find on Google. Prosecutors believe it was a hate crime because Larry was Gay and different from other kids, wore makeup and dressed differently. Defense says the kid who shot was often teased and provoked by Larry.

Isn’t it sad. Gun violence, hate crime and everything that we get to read. When did a kid turn into a killer? was Larry killed for being Gay? I don’t know. My point is when I read such stories I wonder if we as the people could do something to save the life lost. Whether Larry was provocative or just an innocent kid struggling with his teenage life being different from others, he didn’t deserve to die. And the kid who shot could we have stopped him? Why did we hand him access to a weapon. By WE I mean the people around, school teachers, parents and everyone who was part of what happened to two young boys. One lost his life to death and other lost his to result of his actions. Why couldn’t we save them both?

This happens to me alot when I read about such incidents, specially about suicides. The only thought that comes to me is “couldn’t it be stopped?” I wonder why wasn’t any body looking closely enough to know it was time to intervene or help.

Maybe my understanding of the whole case is less or even wrong, all I kno it’s sad how we fail to protect our kids by not intervening when one is bullied, teased, provoked or abused and we give them what they should never have guns.

Sorry for blabbering, but reading about a kid losing his life for being Gay made me so sad. So sad. I have read about kids who have taken there life for same reason and today all those stories came back to me.

Just one of those days when I wish I was a superhero for real, because world needs one. Hatred has killed compassion and violence has suckerpunched greatest gift to mankind “life”.

Nobody deserves to die for being different…life shouldn’t be so cheap.

Sometimes people can look at you and yet not see you…!!!!

When I was a teenager, a little girl, I believed in love stories and I hated people who had anger in them and ironically (I wonder if that’s how the word is used) today I’m the last one to smile at love stories and anger is my middle name.

How does a person changes so much? I don’t know.

You know how we all have fears? I have so many of them and one of them is being forgotten. I don’t know why I’m so blue right now, wish I knew. Funny thing I don’t even know what exactly is making my eyes watery. Good thing I have ice-cream this time.

It’s been 3 months since Snowy went away and I still keep forgetting he isn’t around. Sometimes I when I’m busy doing something I tend to look around to see what he is doing and it hits me, right there right then.

Yesterday two of my very good friends, individually and separately, were discussing some issues with me. Both were super stressed out and upset and I was trying to be the good listener, the helping party. At one point I asked myself where I go. Whom should I call and tell things? Who will hear me and just nod because I don’t want any advice or words just ears.

Right now I am totally high on emotions and anger is one of them. Mostly I’m angry, because people can’t see me. They look at me but not really see me.

Some days I just want to lock myself in my room and do not nothing but read or write, not talk to anyone, just lay down looking at the ceiling, say nothing just keep humming my favourite song. Then there are days when I want to stand up walk out, smile, dance, talk, sing, work on my story, believe that I can be a writer, dream that there is a dawn and understand how at the end it’s all going to get in to places.

I should just sleep or read or whatever.

Goodnight world!

P.S this cover of Radioactive is way too awesome. Better than original.

Some days I miss you more than others…!!!

Some days I miss you more than others and today is one such day because I can’t stop getting sad about losing Snowy. It’s like it happened today and my heart hurts so badly that I kept on saying ‘I want a dog’ again and again to my mother and I picked up a fight despite the fact that I know we can’t keep a dog right now. I was being stubborn because I was hurting, I still am.

All I want is to hug him once, just once, but I can’t do it not today, not ever. The pain came crawling to me when I parked my car outside this cafe to get me a cup of coffee; I saw this dog sleeping on the corner. I had a bread with me so I walked up to him and gave him the bread piece, he woke up and looked at me with those eyes…eyes that made me want to hug him, hug every dog in the world because I can’t hug  my Snowy. I walked back to my car and kept looking at him with tears in my eyes and he was looking at me (probably confused why I woke him, because I don’t think he even looked at the bread with his sleepy eyes). I was sitting in my car crying because suddenly I couldn’t stop missing Snowy, suddenly I realised I miss him and nothing in this world can bring him back, suddenly I realised no matter how much I beg  I can never see him again.

Somehow I feel no one can really get this emptiness; I mean my friends and family I know I lost something very dear but I don’t think they realise how a part of me grieves every second.

I feel tired now with the crying, worst once the tears came out rolling and i wiped them I realised I hadn’t washed my hand after eating the chilli pickle. Damn! My eyes.

I’m almost done with Sarah’s Keys and its very touching and gripping novel.

All those stories of holocaust and gassing chambers; we haven’t learnt anything. Did we? No. Because we still have religions fighting, we still have hatred; we still have countries despising their neighbors and people being enemy of each other.

Guess I’m too sad today.

Goodnight world!

Tied with invisible rope…wish i could stand up…!!!!

Today I feel sad and ashamed at being the person I have to pretend to survive among people with closed minds. There is nothing worse than being a part of a conversation you don’t support, but can’t let others knows…so you smile, nod and pretend to understand.

This woman in my office comes to me with a gossip and cracks joke about a topic am not comfortable talking about, but there is nothing I can do so I pretend to blend in. Whereas, all I wanted to do was tell her to get a life. I wanted her to stop being a freakin loser and stop meddling with what others do.

This has happened a lot, so many times now and today only made me realise the truth behind the world I live in. Its like im in a war only i cant fight to defend my honor. I know she was making fun of someone else but she didnt know how much it was all coming back to  me. I’m angry but its okay, I m used to it.

To make my day worst I get a huge, like huge, bill from my mobile company and the nice lovely people have charged me for my internet usage despite my asking them for an internet usage saving pack. My bill says I had no pack activated so everything I did on my phone was costing me. Man I could have done decent shopping in that money but now I have to pay them. I plan to visit them tomorrow and talk them, I know it won’t help but at least I can take out my anger. Well, to be honest I am taking my friend as I can hardly scream on anyone. Oh! how I wish I could.

I have to go to my book because I’m sad, angry, ashamed and so blue. Why can’t we have a world with no hatred, no judgements, no mocking, no discrimination and no MORONS?

Goodnight World!

P.S I have been given two blog award nominations. Will thank you my friend tazeinmirzasaad soon. Thankyou.