We are, what we are, what we always will be…Ignorant!!!!

Ignorance is what makes people with mental illness suffer more; not theirs but our ignorance towards the subject.

Why do I say that? Someone in Gotham was talking to me about BiPolar. It was a small, silly and ordinary conversation but when it was over I felt sad. Not many people know what depression or mental disorders like BiPolar, PTSD, BPD is, not that it should be a part of our school textbooks but not knowing the thing is one reason we never understand someone who actually goes through it.

For example, I have stomach issues directly caused by my messed up head and also because I was a bad eater once. Now, when I am usually in a situation where I want to avoid something for my stomach or I’m having a bad stomach day, for no reason, I often get to hear things like ‘That’s all in your head’. Dude! That always hits me below the belt. Never for once a person who knows acid reflux or anxious stomach would ever say that ‘Metal taste? Oh that’s so crazy just eat something sweet’

So, when you meet someone with mood swings, totally unexplainable, never call that person crazy or something like ‘You need a good day out’. Don’t you think that person has tried everything from good day, good song, good movie to every other effin good thing available. Some pain and hurt and sadness are not made up by that person. They are there.

Just few days back, 2-3 people around me were making fun of a guy saying things like ‘O he is so gay’. I was there, I was suppose to pitch in something and I felt so ashamed of being there and not being able to tell them how insanely insensitive and wrong it is to joke like that. I wanted to turn around say, you mister are a male whore, you lady are an effin loser and you sir are also a loser in capital letters. I didn’t. I swear I wanted to so badly but I’m a coward or more or less I’m just one of them. So, I just pretended to be busy and asked why they think he was gay and as soon as the topic shifted, I excused myself and walked away. You know, we are what we are and will always be…Ignorant.

If you and I make fun of someone’s weight, height, health, pain, moods, sexuality, color or accent, it’s not their fault…it’s our…our ignorance towards them and the thing we think is so weird about them.

P.S Just ignore my rant and enjoy this beautiful song

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Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

Jodie Foster movie marathon day…!!!

I did a Jodie Foster movie marathon today, manged two movies couldn’t watch the third one but maybe tomorrow. Yes, i know i’m in love with Meg Ryan and Winona Ryder but Jodie Foster is awesome. She is like too good. I watched two more movies today, they were heavy and serious stuff but she was excellent. “The Brave One” and “The Accused” both were good, dark but damn good.

Have a busy day tomorrow, hope my health supports me. Its getting difficult to stay active all day now.

 

I want an ice-cream, a hug and a dog…!!!!

I have been suffering from some weird kind of pain in my right side and now it’s almost in every corner of my stomach. So now when i breathe i wince in pain. Problem is i kind of don’t want to fall sick, not now. Not the right time dude. Any other time would have been okay but not now.

My second problem is “Summer” and if you are an Indian or have been to this side of the world, you would know why that’s a problem. Bloody too damn hot and you what’s the crazy part of the story, my car’s A.C has just died. Awesome. The car company says they have ordered some part that isn’t working and so i have to wait.

So i might be dying. It won’t rain. My car’s AC is dead. The book i pre-ordered is yet to come. This year i have missed on every single Super Hero movie. A good friend of mine and i are now acting like strangers. My stories are still standing where they were, half and incomplete.

I think i can write an essay on things going wrong but i rather not. Cause good thing is my father is recovering and im so relieved. Im not really that close to him like most of the daughters are but seeing him unwell was not cool.

 

 

 

a lonely star in a cloudy sky…!!!!

Im having a bad week…i can take all the things the punches of life thrown at me but when its someone in the family i dont know how to deal with it. My father is unwell, but im more worried about my mother.

I have never felt so lonely in my life, guess its the week. I found this song yesterday and it brought both smile and tears. Truth is i love mushy cute romantic proposals but that’s something i rather keep to myself.

Stubborn heart, acidic stomach, crazy head…LOL? Whatever!

I hate my acid reflux…ruins the day for me. What has my stubborn heart done to me. Look at all the things gone wrong with me, my stomach and my head are paying price for having a heart that won’t stop believing, won’t quit and won’t change.

Anyhow, I have started giving time to the books on my shelf. Am now reading a Lee Child’s Jack Reacher thriller “Gone Tomorrow”. I think my next book would be “Love letters to the dead” by Ava Dellaira. Some review site compared it to the “Perks of being a wallflower” and I love this one.

My mouth feels so metallic right now, not a good feeling and no amount of sweets can make it go. Fckn acid.

Got to go, goodnight world…!!!!

P.S Is ‘Orange is the new black’ any good? Am thinking of catching up with the show.

Inspecter, i think i’ve killed my thinking cells…i didn’t mean to!!!

Do you ever worry for your parents, like they are so fragile and they aren’t invincible? Past one week made me kind of realize how i’ve grown up being taken care by my parents and ended up thinking they are made of titanium, but they are just as much breakable as me.

I dont know how i managed to survive till Friday, but i have made it and here im sitting alone in my room breathing in the relief of a weekend. I am exhausted physically and mentally, so badly. I just need to stay in bed for a day and not do anything, don’t even want to get up to make myself a cup of coffee but then i would die of caffeine deprivation. So i wont perform that stunt. Coffee is must for me, its my dope just like music.

Have you ever felt the need to cry even though you aren’t feeling like crying but you need to? Im heavy inside, so heavy that i cant think. It’s all so clouded, numb and cluttered inside. Thoughts inside my head are pushing the each other and suffocating one another. I need to clear the damn head, i need to feel and cry and let it go. Weird? well weird for one reason because i dont feel like crying. Voices are laughing at me, i know that. Damn!

I think emotionally it has been an overwhelming week.

I have to go. Happy Weekend to all.

Goodnight World!

 

 

 

 

Silence or Music…!!!!

Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?

Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.

I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.

You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.

Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.

Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just  me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.

Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.