Thank you for letting me be your human!!!!

Yesterday I lost my puppy and it’s hurting like hell. You think you know what losing a dog feels like because you’ve lost one before, but you’re wrong. It hits you with just as much force as it did the first time, leaving you gasping for air.

Every day when he was on that IV looking at me with lost and scared eyes, all I could wonder was what’s going on inside his head. Is he thinking that it hurts and his humans are not doing anything? Was he thinking please make it stop? We tried puppy, we did. We just couldn’t make it better for you. We were hurting too. We still are.

Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for the 5 months, thank you for making me want to come back home every day. Today I walked inside and almost yelled ‘Lily I’m home’ but I didn’t… I just stood there in pain realizing you’ve gone.

My brother always used to say ‘Stop calling him Lily, you’re making him a girl’ but I don’t know why I couldn’t stop calling Leo Lily especially when I was trying to pet him. When I would scold him I would say Leo no but when I would kiss him, pet him and spoil him I just automatically end up calling him Lily.

My little baby shark, eat machine, doofus, Voldemort and chuck. God! I had hundreds of pet names for him. Now I’m left with just mental snapshots of his last two painful days, the sad scared and hurting eyes staring at nothing. I so badly want him to come back and its okay if he wants to eat my socks, destroy my slippers, tear up the pillow and not listen to me every time I rolled my eyes and said ‘Leo sit please just sit’.

People ask me are you okay and I say I’m fine but little sad. Truth is I’m not sad, I’m something else. The emptiness I’m feeling right now is crazy, feels like somebody is punching me from inside. How can you be okay after losing a little kid? For 3 days I have been picking him up, driving to Vet, cleaning his blood, touching his forehead asking ‘Leo baby what happened’, begging him to get better, asking God to make him better and then I saw him take his breath. I told the doctor that wait I just saw him move, check again please. He did, again and again for me.

Lily I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it okay for you, couldn’t stop the pain. I’m so so sorry puppy. I will always keep you in my heart. Always.

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Today i have no title…!!!!

I as I sit here with my laptop I don’t know what to write, partly because I’m sad and partly because the lack of sleep has killed my thinking cells. Yes, I will sleep early tonight. Now i dont get up early to take anyone for a walk, no one jumps all over me pulling my quilt asking me to get out of my bed. How does one get over things? I don’t know.

My friends wanted to make a plan today or tomorrow but I don’t feel like going anywhere. All I want to do is be with me because I don’t have to pretend its okay with me.

Anyhow, since its hot now I guess I can go back to my running. Plus I need diversions and the whole 9 hours sitting is killing my neck. At the end of the day I’m not only emotionally lost physically my neck makes me cry.

In last two days I did another hardest thing of my life, I said another goodbye and it’s like the things inside me are so messed up I can’t tell. The pain, guilt, sadness and helplessness are eating me. My friends gifted me this most amazing little sweet little puppy who stayed with me two nights, keeping me up all the time, running here and there. I named him Frappe and man he loved me but today morning we had to give him away because for various various various reasons my mom won’t let me keep him. I miss Snowy, I miss Frappe and my heart is just broken so badly that I can’t stop crying when I’m alone.

I can’t forget the last moment of Snowy, his face when he left me and I can’t forget Frappe’s tiny eyes looking at me when he needed me to pick him up. Man! I’m a wreck and worst I don’t think I can explain it to anyone.

Like I said I will go early tonight, plus I know I will spend an hour crying before I can actually sleep.

 

“Dont hold your breath, you stop thinking when you stop breathing…Breathe”

I’m a totally crazy kid, if am allowed to call myself a kid, because right now I’m sitting on my bed under the quilt with my laptop and headphones. Its 2 am and I’m almost dancing trying to make sure I do not end up throwing the laptop and waking up my Snowy who is pretty much cursing me for not sleeping.

So, why I’m dancing while being buried under the quilt, with my laptop on me? Simple, I just had best back to back episode marathon. Grey’s Anatomy just made me cry with a smile and Glee o man o man I missed you. The musical audition had some amazing songs and Marlie is my favourite Glee kid now, though I still miss Santana but Marley is pretty awesome too. And if I can get me a cap like hers, I guess I would be happy to grow my hair.

The last scene of Grey’s Anatomy when Meredith hugs Christina was so emotional but it wasn’t sad. It was like a different kind of emotional. This time they had an episode solely focused on these two besties and their life in different parts of the world. I love them both and the kind of rapport their share, I can still imagine the first episode when all they wanted was to get that surgery with McDreamy. Today they are each other’s person. For a change an emotional episode made me not feel sad like “why-do-I-watch-Greys” sad.

Now Glee, there was no Santana, no Kurt or Rachael but it still had a pretty decent plot with new comers showing their talent. Unique and Marley’s audition was awesome…and I loved Kitty and Jake’s audition too. Wish they had given more scenes to Blaine.

This is what I was waiting for past few days finally I got my Friday night. Music makes me breathe and dance and cry and believe….!!!!

Both these episodes had some really awesome quotes. Winner would be “Dreams aren’t free”

I was happy sad, I was sad sad and I was happy happy. Fiction does this to me, makes me feel all the emotions I lock up. That’s why I write Dominique or Jane Doe.

So it’s Friday night which means from tomorrow I have my holidays. Today no one was in working mood, everyone was acting like me…looking at the time. And when the clock struck 630, all I could hear were happy voices wishing each other “Happy Diwali”. I’m not a festival person but I’m a holiday person. Diwali is one awesome festival but I prefer to celebrate it my own way, different from others. Will tell how on Tuesday, till then I have something else to offer. Tomorrow I plan to upload an excerpt from Jane Doe.

Today one of my best friends was discussing politics and she asked me some question about my view son something and I said something like I don’t care, I have no views. She was a little disappointed at the answer but I couldn’t really say anything else. Truth is I’m not that girl who has no idea what’s going on in her country or around the world and who has no opinions to give…but now I don’t care to give my opinion or say how I feel about a particular scenario. Truth is reason i don’t care to give my opinion is because no matter who wins the election, which party gets the maximum votes, im pretty much screwed for the rest of my life. The dagger inside me is not going anywhere, no matter who wins or lose. Guess it makes me a shallow person, but i think its the anger and helplessness.

So i got to go now. Good night world!