Don’t quite know, how to say how I feel…!!!!!

Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.

For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life  am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.

Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy

The carousel never stops moving

Maybe Petula Clark sang it for me, I would like to believe so…!!!!

Today was one of those days when you just want to escape everything and everyone. You don’t want to be at work but you don’t want to go home either. You don’t want to talk to people at work or people at home. But there is no other place to be because your life is work or home.

This is where someone from universe sings me…

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown

I cant though, not now because its just Tuesday and there are still few days left before weekend walks back into my arms and kisses me.

Freedom is an abstract art…!!!!

Sometimes i feel like im living a pre programmed life, everyday i do the same things at almost same time without failing. I dont know if its a good thing or bad, because on a normal side of the scale people want a fixed routine work, home, work and on the not so normal side are people who getup with no plan for the day, who are spontaneous and who discover things by spending their days on sofas, at cafes, on a train or getting on a bus.

Half of my day is spent doing what i do everyday and rest half is spent wondering where do i belong…

Shh…dont tell my mom !!!

When i was a teenager, i used to write poems to tell people how much i love them, i wrote them for a long time then one day stopped. I even used to make  my own greetings cards for my friends but then i stopped. Gifts were my favorite part and now they too have become a rare thing. I have become a different person when it comes to showing my real feelings because I’m just so scared and sad and bitter all the time, but that doesn’t mean i don’t care or love.

I saw this  advertisement on Youtube today and i realized how much i love my mom but i never tell her. Maybe because we don’t have that thing in our family, we guys never say i love you much, we just get all worried for each other but don’t really say the words much. Plus, i kind of spend a lot of time wondering why i’m not like my family. Truth is i think my mom is a very brave person for she puts up with everyone in the house and still cares and loves us. She and i two very different people but i am so blessed to have her.

I have my reasons for being a cold and unattached person, when it comes to pretending. But truth is i am not heartless. Don’t tell her this but my only regret in life is that i cant ever be a daughter she deserves. Shh…!!!

Moms are closest thing to a real Super Heroes.

Leaving you guys with a cute video on moms.

 

 

 

Absentminded…!!!!

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It was a good day today i had fun, but something wasn’t right. Don’t know why but i was not inside my head, i was somewhere else. I m having the right kind of day, friends, coffee, scrabble but I was busy someplace else. Thoughts. I was thoughtful.

I don’t know why i was absent.

I think its just sometimes truth keeps nagging you even when you are having a good day. I think i was just wondering how much life has changed in past few years, specially in last two years. Do you ever think about reliving a day? I do.

 

Painted so blue, wish i knew the reason too…!!!!

I want to watch a movie that I have already seen before, any movie would do but I have none because I lost all my movies when my laptop’s drive crashed. So here I am just wishing I had copied them in a pen drive for a day like today.

You know what’s my favorite place? My car. It’s the only place I feel better. Today I didn’t wanted to come home, no I wasn’t thinking of running away, I just wanted to drive around little more. The distance between my work place and my house is like 5 or 8 minutes. Driving was calming me down but I realized I was almost home, so I took a U-turn and decided to take a long cut. I drove back to one of my favorite shops near my office, bought me something to eat and came back home.

When I’m home I’m stressed and worried, when I’m at work I’m lost and bored; my car is the only place right now where I feel safe.

To be honest I have no idea why am on verge of crying, really have no idea or maybe I do. Even a tiny incident with ability to make me sad magnifies when my mind is all sleep deprived. Maybe that’s what it is. My inability to process things correctly because my mind is all sleep deprived.

One more day left before I can throw away my pretenses and sulk in my room.

If only I was just another regular 27 year old girl but I’m not. I’m freaking messed up, immature, crappy 27 year old who likes to dream with her eyes open because the one she sees when asleep only show her the reality of things.

I know what I need. I need to sleep. I need to stop killing my mind.

Before I leave: here is an amazing amazing performance by David Garrett. Man! He is good.

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas…!!!!

I’m a Christmas person…I’m not Christian but I love this time of the year. Christmas is one of favourite days and I always plan something to celebrate it, either im out with friends or at home watching same old Christmas movies with junk food in my lap.

Usually I write down a list of things I want from Santa even though I know its just a list that will soon get lost in history. But this year I didn’t make any such list but there is something I want from Santa.

I want Santa, God, Blue Fairy, Genie in the bottle and every magical entity that we have to just take care of people I love, to keep them happy and safe. I am not a good person, I’m awesome but just little self absorbed and rude and mean, so I want to ask for health and happiness for people I love so much. Truth be told, there is no point to ask for something for myself because what i want, well, it would take a miracle. So if i get to wish for something i want my family and my friends happy and healthy. My dog too. Oh and i know there are so many people suffering around the world, i hope the rape victim girl survives and gets better.

Sending lots and lots of happy Christmas spirit towards each one of you, even if you don’t celebrate it i wish you have an amazing last week of 2012. Wow another year has come to its end, time goes by so quickly. It wasn’t a great year but it was way better than than 2011…which means 2012 was a decent year.

Christmas is just what i want at the end of the year.

 

And i thought i was ignoring words…!!!!

So it seems we might not going for the wedding. Under normal circumstances, I would have been happy about it but since the reason I’m not going is because my dad has got viral and he isn’t well, I dont really think it makes me happy. I rather be at that wedding than be at home because he isn’t well.

I was watching this episode of Castle where Beckett ends up with a case that brings out her PTSD and she has hard time dealing with it. Episode shows Beckett with her therapist and I was like wow I could do with a session like that. Would that help? Nope but what the heck I can at least talk and not worry about the guy or about being judged, after all he is getting paid to sit and listen.

I seriously wonder how therapy sessions and medicine help a person; I don’t think it can help me. But on the other hand, I don’t think I have that kind of depression. So I read a chapter from Jane Doe today and realized two things. A- I need more content more pages more words B – I think I can write okay and I think I’m a not so bad writer. I may not be Ernest Hemingway, but I can write decent not-great but decent. Anyhow, that’s what I think.

It’s getting cold and I’m not sure how do I feel about that. I have been a person who hates summer but winter isn’t my favorite season either. I prefer monsoon. Rain and rain.

When I was young, as in teenager kind young, I had this thing that if I ever get to choose my way of leaving the world. I would want to exit like Leonardo di caprio’s Titanic character Jack. Why? Well he died for love and right before he died he lived the most beautiful days of his life loving someone who loved him back. Yes I was sort of romantic once and then reality happened. I still am romantic but I find it difficult to actually show love when I’m busy fighting other emotions like anger or agony or panic and etc etc etc.

My body begs me to sleep but I think I won’t. I need a trip like a vacation…I need to pack my bags and get out of my city. I was going today but I don’t want to go to a wedding, I want to pack my bag and go to a city where the only purpose of my presence is sightseeing and eating all day. Anyhow, right now I’m looking forward to Christmas because around Christmas one of my oldest best friends is coming to this side of the country, which means I might get to see her. I miss her.

I’m so bored; I’m just writing random stuff. But to be honest I would love a real conversation right now. Only problem, I don’t have anyone to talk to at this time of the day.

Okay I think I should go…Goodnight world!

End of Twilight movies makes me nostalgic…!!!!

Have you ever wished to revisit a phase of your life, relive it without changing a second of it not even the bad parts of it? I have, so many times. Today is one of those days when I can’t help feeling nostalgic about a phase of my life. If only I could just go back to that day.

There are so many of such days but right now, right here I wish to go back to year 2009 because it was one of those years when everything felt right. Not that I didn’t cry myself to bed, I did every other day, but life felt good. I had my friends, I had my office before it became Gotham for me, and I had time to cross the bridge of big decisions of life.

Why am I talking like this? I saw Twilight’s last movie today “Breaking Dawn 2” and the movie is the culprit. With the end of the Twilight movies I can’t help but feel nostalgic about the days spent reading the books. I miss that phase of my life. It was one of the best years of my life, so now that I think about how I got introduced to this book, I think of that birthday, I think of the people I was with, the friends I had around me, the state of mind I was in, the world I had…

Feels like a long long time ago, when I had my grip. I have been like this all my life, sad, angry, confused and blue but there have been phases when I have felt safe and protected. I can’t help but miss the day I was gifted my first Twilight book. It was my birthday or maybe a day before or after it, I was with my two most special friends and Kathy a Colombian friend who gave me the book. We were in a coffee shop, enjoying, talking and sipping on our cups of cappuccinos. Nothing big I know, but it’s just the year. I feel like I could use a trip down memory lane. I miss my friends.

Problem with life is everyone you know has to move on some day, every friend you make has to say goodbye someday, every good day you have turns to an old picture in your phone someday…

Now, that NaNaWriMo is over, I have a lot of work. I need to rewrite few pages, edit and reread it to see if it’s fine enough to show to anyone. But I might not be able to finish it soon, as I have a wedding to attend this week which means I’m going away.

My bed is full of clothes, a suitcase, snowy on one corner and me on the other. No space for the bed to breathe. I feel bad about leaving him, he stops eating when we go away.

Got to go now, Goodnight World!