I am a person who can watch a horror flick all alone with no one in the room, but i cant face truth, abandonment and heartache. I fear no ghost, however I do fear getting attached and then being left all alone with heartache.
Today I will tell you something about me, which a shrink would tell me if I ever went to see one. But I already know this. I suffer from fear of saying goodbye even to the most non-existent and materialistic things in life such as a fictional character, a story, a book, a pen, a beautiful coffee mug or just a good movie.
There is a reason why I often tend to get stuck in between a story I’m writing or a book I’m reading. I get scared of the fact that the ending is near, so I try to avoid writing much or I distract myself with silly things, endless number of TV shows or songs to make sure I read nothing or close to a page or two because I don’t want the book to end. True story, crazy but totally true.
But not only have I started writing again, I also finally spent my whole day reading and I finally managed to finish “The Book Thief”. No more excuses, no mores distractions, no more fear of saying goodbye to Liesel Meminger and her Papa. I just sat and read, even when I was around people I read.
There are books I can read again, books I would like to have with me if I’m ever stuck on an island all myself. These books have people I love, stories that made me cry and smile, feel real human emotions and these books have their own share of pain which for some reason made me forget mine.
I think I’m now going to dedicate a page to my top favourite books and sure “The Book Thief” would be there. I never thought it’s possible to see Death as anything else but a morbid sad phenomenon. Markus Zusak gave a voice to death in such as way that all I wanted to do was not finish the book. Because I was scared that once its over, i would no longer read more about what happened on Himmel Street.
I won’t give the story, but if you don’t mind reading a little dark but painfully beautiful story about a German girl in a Nazi Germany then my friends this is your book.
The last book that left an impression on me this big was “Perks of being a Wallflower” for I still crave to re-read it again, only I don’t.
I could see her sitting on the living room couch laughing with him, like they were watching something on television. My mother had this laugh that made everything look beautiful and everyone else happy. I knocked but they couldn’t hear the knock so I tried to ring the bell but they weren’t looking at the door or at me. I could see them right there busy watching the television and unaware of my presence.
“Hey Mom, Dad” I screamed “it’s me Dom, please open” I rang again and again. The bell noise was getting louder and louder but they were still not looking at me. I did not give up, I pressed it again and again and then she looked up with anger in her eyes like she wasn’t happy to have me there. I woke up realising I was dreaming and my phone was ringing, rubbing my eyes I looked around at the bottle of vodka next to me. Dammit! Dom I cursed myself realising what I did last night. I picked up the phone thinking it must be Mike. Why did you call him? I asked myself
“Hello?” I was feeling guilty about last night
“Open the damn door” It was Kristine
“You are outside?” I asked
“Will you open it?” she sounded irritated. I walked up to the door, while trying to fix my hair and rubbing my eyes.
“Why the fuck wont you open the door. I was ringing the bell like crazy, I got scared you know” she barged inside
“Good morning to you too” I smiled shaking my head at her language. Even after being friends with her for over 6 months I was still not used to her cursing all the time.
“God! You look like a mess” she took a seat on the couch “was someone here last night? Are you with someone? Is that why you won’t open?” “I have been ringing the bell and calling you. I was about to break the door you know.”
“Okay stop” I was now laughing. What was it about her that made everything lively and colourful I asked myself. “I was sleeping. Sorry, I think I must have overslept”
“Hmm…Okay. Get ready then, will get your breakfast on the way.”
“Where are we going?” I was trying to clean the bed, was glad Kristine hadn’t seen the box of pictures on the floor.
“Shopping, you remember I have to buy something for my cousin’s wedding.” She stretched on the couch “I don’t know why Tim makes me do this. I don’t even know my cousin’s full name and I have to go to her wedding”
“Okay, but can we make a stop at Mike’s. He wanted to see me, it will take just 15 minutes” I asked while trying to find something to wear.
“Cool. How’s Annie?”
“Good, good” I screamed from the bathroom. I was dreading the day, because I knew Mike would question me and ask me to stay with him and Annie for few days. I wasn’t in mood to shop, but saying no would mean questions. There was no way to find out if Tim had told Kristine about what happened in the university. Something told me maybe Tim didn’t, because it was unlike Kristine to not ask me about it.
“Hey, you still there?” I asked from inside the shower. Kristine was too silent.
“Ya, ya. I’m here. Just relaxing”
“Just 2 minutes” I hurried up. What was Emily doing here? I wondered. I quickly got out of the shower, changed in to a black t-shirt and blue denims, put on my shoes and declared “I’m Ready. Let’s go”.
“So my dad called last night” Kristine said as she drove here Lexus “He is like Molly, my cousin, wanted my phone number so she could call me and invite me”
“Now why would she do that?” She paused “I think he is just finding excuses to call me and talk to me. Yes that’s the thing. I’m sure. Tim thinks I’m crazy. Am I crazy?”
“Am I crazy?”
“Am I crazy? Dom?” Suddenly the car stopped with a screeching noise jerking both of us in front
“What? What the hell happened?” “Are you okay?” I was worried. She looked okay and there was no car in front of us.
“There, you are awake now” she was laughing
“What? Kristine why do you do this?” I snapped. Kristine started the engine and drove in silence for next few minutes. I looked at her and cursed myself for losing my cool; I cursed Emily for showing up and acting like nothing ever happened.
“I’m sorry” I said “and yes you are crazy. Tim is right.”
“Really? You too? O god, why do you both have to be so much alike?” she threw her hands up in the air. She wasn’t mad, which was a relief.
“Sorry I guess I didn’t sleep well last night.” I apologised again.
“Well I guess I will have to buy you a Kristine special coffee today” she looked in a good mood. Keep it together Dom, Keep it together I begged myself to not fall into pieces.
“Okay you go ahead I will park and come” She said. I got out and started walking towards the house. Mike and Annie lived in a big two storied house in the Manhattan suburbs with a beautiful lawn. The door was open which usually meant either Mike was at home or there were guests at home; I hoped it was some neighbour not wanting to face Mike.
“Hey anybody home?” I froze when I saw her in front of me. I thought my legs were going to give up as I stood there face to face with mother. She was looking like she always did, pretty and beautiful. She was with Annie when I entered; the looks on their faces were enough to tell me no one was expecting me. Annie looked worried and my mom uninterested.
“Mom?” I barely managed the words
“Annie I will go upstairs now. I think I need rest.” She ignored me and started walking. I felt bad for Annie for being caught between my mother and me.
“Sorry, got stuck at the parking spot” I forgot about Kristine. With my mother in front of me, not wanting to acknowledge my presence, I could not think straight.
“Hi I’m Kristine” She smiled at my mother.
“I do not care who you are young lady.” She said
“Mom, please. She is my friend”
“How do I know what kind of friend she is?” my mother looked at Kristine and then back at me.
“I’m sorry? Did I do something to annoy you?” Kristine asked
“Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to your parents, kids like you have brought nothing but shame to their parents”
“Pam, please.” Annie interrupted
“Annie I’m sorry I know it’s your house. I should not be rude with your guests.” She walked away “Please let me know when we can sit again and continue our discussion”
“Dom, I’m sorry I didn’t know she was coming.” Annie looked at me with apologetic eyes “She just came this morning. Said she wanted to give surprise to Mike. I’m so sorry…if I knew I”
“Ann, you don’t have to apologise. Please don’t” I smiled at her “Tell Mike I came and I will come back again.” I hugged her and assured her that nothing was her fault. Annie has loved me more than my own mother and I knew how much it was hurting her inside for not just standing there and not being able to stop my mother.
Kristine did not ask me a thing while we drove towards the city. I knew there were hundreds of questions going on inside her head but she said nothing. We both pretended like nothing happened and went on to the shopping spree, although she did not shop much and we decided to end the day early.
First Emily and then my mother, I wasn’t sure why suddenly everything was coming back to me after one year.
Before I start with today’s post I just want to say I love Glee, I love Glee so so damn much and I’m going to miss it now that the season is over. Although am yet to watch the finale, am already sad.
Have you ever had a moment where you see something that reminds you of something you always wanted, something you still want, but couldn’t have and won’t ever have and how seeing it brings a smile to your face (at first) and then you have tears rolling downs? Tears you have to hide right then, right there, because you have no explanation.
Human emotions are complicated specially if you are as twisted as me, because you just can’t explain the sudden rush of feelings that come and go without giving you a warning.
I’m not a very complicated person, am one of the easiest puzzle to crack it’s just that I pretend to be ultra crazy. Today after watching Glee I realized how much I dig happy endings, how much I dig people with happy smiley faces…I may be broken but I always like to see others happy. My level of Narcissism only sticks to buying me presents to help me feel better.
Anyhow, this post wasn’t supposed to be about my favourite shows like Glee or Greys’s and my love for them because they give me that rush of emotions where I laugh and end up crying.
Today, I had a weird realization.
Have you ever had an urge to befriend a complete stranger so that you can just talk your heart out, without worrying because you know that person doesn’t even know you? Have you ever had an urge of sharing things with someone you don’t know because you know his/her judgement won’t hurt you as much as the judgement of people you love?
I think that’s one reason why I started blogging, apart from the fact that like to write things. Of course I do consider my simple knowledge of writing things as the prime reason, because I know I can write…I once had a dream of becoming a journalist or a published writer which ended into a worthless job of being Batman in Gotham city. But, apart from my need to keep the writer in me alive, I also blog because I find people I don’t know, people who don’t know me and wouldn’t mind whatever I have to say.
The urge to spill the truth in front of someone you don’t know is like a sudden need to get high during the day, hard to resist but you just have to do it.
I often imagine myself as Forest Gump and hope someday I will be sitting on a bench with a stranger and talking about a story…story of me. I imagine myself talking and then the stranger just nodding; giving me shocked or concerned level of eye brow movements and then walking away as I breathe in the lightness of unloading the heaviness, even if it’s for just a while.
You and me on a bench
i say ‘hello my name is Little’
you listen you smile
i talk and talk
you smile & take a walk
i wait for another you
as there is more than a word or two…!!!!