Sometimes it becomes hard to see the beautiful existence of life…

50 people who were unwinding, having a good evening after a long week, sharing drinks with friends or partners, are now never going to get to see their family members or loved ones because a man walked in believing he had the right to hurt them.

Here is what’s going to happen now:

1 – Some are going to blame it as ‘hate against lgbt’

2 – Some are going to blame it on the religion of the shooter

3 – Some are going to blame it on existence of guns

But in the end, we lost people and little more of, already in shortage, humanity. I saw a woman cry (on the news) because she couldn’t find her son, who was there with his friends and his boyfriend. She cried for the boyfriend who was taken to hospital with multiple gun shot wounds, she cried for the son who cant be found or reached and she cried for the horror of what it could mean. Gay or not, don’t matter, a mother lost her son.

While, my heart hurts for those who lost their loved ones I also feel so so sad for those who will now bear the brunt of one  man’s action. His family, his son, his parents and those who are good honest and hardworking American Muslims with nothing to do with his hate.

There is no punchline or quote to give because there is just too much pain.


Thank you for letting me be your human!!!!

Yesterday I lost my puppy and it’s hurting like hell. You think you know what losing a dog feels like because you’ve lost one before, but you’re wrong. It hits you with just as much force as it did the first time, leaving you gasping for air.

Every day when he was on that IV looking at me with lost and scared eyes, all I could wonder was what’s going on inside his head. Is he thinking that it hurts and his humans are not doing anything? Was he thinking please make it stop? We tried puppy, we did. We just couldn’t make it better for you. We were hurting too. We still are.

Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for the 5 months, thank you for making me want to come back home every day. Today I walked inside and almost yelled ‘Lily I’m home’ but I didn’t… I just stood there in pain realizing you’ve gone.

My brother always used to say ‘Stop calling him Lily, you’re making him a girl’ but I don’t know why I couldn’t stop calling Leo Lily especially when I was trying to pet him. When I would scold him I would say Leo no but when I would kiss him, pet him and spoil him I just automatically end up calling him Lily.

My little baby shark, eat machine, doofus, Voldemort and chuck. God! I had hundreds of pet names for him. Now I’m left with just mental snapshots of his last two painful days, the sad scared and hurting eyes staring at nothing. I so badly want him to come back and its okay if he wants to eat my socks, destroy my slippers, tear up the pillow and not listen to me every time I rolled my eyes and said ‘Leo sit please just sit’.

People ask me are you okay and I say I’m fine but little sad. Truth is I’m not sad, I’m something else. The emptiness I’m feeling right now is crazy, feels like somebody is punching me from inside. How can you be okay after losing a little kid? For 3 days I have been picking him up, driving to Vet, cleaning his blood, touching his forehead asking ‘Leo baby what happened’, begging him to get better, asking God to make him better and then I saw him take his breath. I told the doctor that wait I just saw him move, check again please. He did, again and again for me.

Lily I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it okay for you, couldn’t stop the pain. I’m so so sorry puppy. I will always keep you in my heart. Always.

Dear Martians, Run Now…!!!!!

So we found water or at least some kind of solid proof of it presence on Mars. You know the 17 years old me, back in time, would have jumped and danced and even cried with happiness, but the 2015 me is just so worried about the repercussion of it.

What? What? What?

Well, finding water is really cool and awesome but we are “HUMANS” we believe in causing pain, destruction and every possible type of atrocities to those who wish to live in peace. We found water now we would move mountains to find life and then we would land there and effinly rule like we are ruling the sad little earth.

Step 1: Find Life

Step 2: Smile & Shake Hands

Step 3: Click a Dozen Selfies

Step 4: Punch in Face

Step 5: Ban Local Music, Religion, Culture and Put “We Mean No Harm” signs along with…

“Martians with brown or black color report to left, LGBT Martians apply to right, those belonging to following religions as listed below must restrict to certain rules and remember to smile and say WORLD PEACE for our media camera. “

When I read about a 16 year old girl being stabbed in a Pride Parade, I literally felt tears threatening me on a busy work day. All she did was be part of a peaceful pride parade celebrating the equality rights and one lunatic just walks in attacks innocent people. Shira Banki, who had all her life in front of her, lost her life because among us are people who refuse to understand that everyone deserves to live. I specially don’t get those who hurt others in name of religion because I ‘m pretty much sure God never created people for sake of hating and hurting.

3 years old Aylan, his brother and mom were not the only ones who died on that day or day before or day after. But he became the heart wrenching -rock solid proof of how war torn countries are tearing the basic fabric of humanity, causing pain by those throwing shells and mortars and by those who struggle to shelter the scared ones.

And today I read about a guy beaten to death in a small town for he was, according to rumors, having beef in a beef banned place. Well, so we the humans just killed him.

It never ends, the pain caused by us. It would never stop.

I just hope Martians would run away to another planet before we land, because we are incapable of harmony. Some of us at least are totally incapable of following ‘Live and Let Live’.

I have been so exhausted mentally lately that now everything gets on my nerves and I can’t seem to shake the stinging darkness of the world I’m living in. Sometimes I wonder if Happy Ending is really a thing, maybe it’s a myth.

Forgive me for I vent…

17 years old me: Dear God let there be life and water on Mars
30 Years old me: #LOL
Martians on Mars: BOP BEEP BOP BEEP BOP BOP BUPPP BOOOOPPPPP (Translation- Run effin Eartians found us. Dammit RUNNNNNN)


Maybe there is life on an another planet & maybe they know its wise to stay away from us…!!!!

I think the only people who stay with us till the end are the characters we meet in the books we read. Last night i finished reading Torn Thread, a book based on a story of a 12 year old girl’s experience in a Nazi camp. Holocaust stories, real or fiction, often make me wonder how low humanity went.

I may not understand the complexity of religion and politics and old wars the world went through, but the ugly naked truth behind stories of people who died, or lived to talk about it, breaks my heart. When i read a holocaust book i don’t see a Jewish girl or boy or woman being denied life in Auschwitz, i see kids and women being brutally murdered.

Torn Thread is another book of courage, hope, faith, sisterhood, pain and dark truth of the good and bad we have become. I loved the book. I did.

When i finished reading it i couldn’t help but wonder how much resemblance it bears to Moon at Nine. Yes, i know the latter is a story of innocent love in the wrong era and the former is a story of sisterhood and struggle in a painful era. But both the books had true stories with nations at war and young protagonists who suffered and were made to pay the consequences of their existence.

We don’t need another planet, we are not meant to be civilized. We merely breath and procreate as we stamp over the privilege of being the only living beings in a lonely world of empty planets.

All we do is struggle and work hard to afflict pain on the weaker ones. We are not human beings god created us to be. We are broken parts of the good and bad left behind in the war of religion and politics. That’s what we are.

Hatred is drilling a hole in humanity

I was accidentally going to hurt a man, probably kill him, and the thought of that day still haunts me. The flashes wont stop and probably never will. And here are these people who just stormed into a school building killing kids. How can one sleep with a thought of hurting someone? Six people get up one fine morning, pick their guns and go out with blood on their mind. Why? How would killing school children solve your problem with the government or military?

Maybe they were following some universal loser’s guidebook with that ‘If you cant fight the big guys, beat the shit out of weaker ones’ rule.

Then there was this guy who decided to terrorize morning coffee drinkers sitting in a cafe in Sydney, for no reason at all.

The woman, one of the of the victims, who died in the cafe was a mother of 3 young kids. What will the father tell them? Why was mommy killed? What was her fault? or theirs?

How does hurting school going kids or innocent 9 to 5 job civilians be a part of someone’s life agenda?

These might be just news we heard or read about, chances are yesterday and today world went through some more disgusting and disturbing acts of violence in places where cameras and media couldn’t reach. Chances are some more innocent people must have suffered horribly by hands of insane minds around the world, but nobody noticed.

Truth is, hatred is drilling a hole in humanity every single day.

I dont know about the world, but i apologise to you Reyhaneh Jabbari…

Humanity is dying everyday, every second. I will write this post, show my anger, my sadness and soon it would become a faded memory for those who would read and for me. We would move on to another story, another pain, another big news and another crisis.

When does this stops?

As always i see a world where empathy is crushed by stubborn beliefs, laws and society. Why are we spending so many billions on finding another planet with life, when we don’t even respect, care or think about the ones ending here every other day?

I dont know if the world is ending or our humanity is…!!!!

For past 2 days I have been reading a lot about the Delhi rape case and at first I was just too sad,  but after what I read today I feel scared.  My sadness turned into fear because it’s just too horrible to be true but it is.

The victim, a 23 year old girl, was not only gang raped but was beaten with rods and thrown from a  moving bus with her male friend. Today doctors have removed her intestines and closed her up and are now just waiting for some improvements in her vitals before they can think of any more action. I am cribbing that my stomach is stupid it hardly digest things and hurts etc etc…and now I read about a young girl who has no intestines because some men decided to have fun with life, they decided to turn into animals and just kill every cell of humanity, if they even had any, inside them.

So when I went to buy something for my friend, who is sick and asked me to get her something to eat, I was looking back at my shoulders, I was for the first time locking my car doors which I never do or did. The city I live in is surrounded by educated people but then it seems people have started to lose humanity like their cheap gel pens which they forget and never bother to look for. Then I told myself I was being paranoid and that I need to breathe.

Few years ago something happened and this incident reminded me of that day. It was first day of my Mass Com diploma classes and being the evening classes I got free late. It was dark and I was walking on the road looking for means of public transport because back then I didn’t had a car and my scooter was often shared by my brother and me, and he had it with him that evening. So I’m walking and this car drives by slowly and stops in front of me, I continued walking and didn’t bother much, then the car slowly starts moving along with me me and I panicked. I knew in no time anyone from inside the car would come out and pull me in. I panicked I looked around and to my surprise a bus was coming towards, I ran towards it and got on board, paid the ticket with shivering hands and swallowed my tears because I was too shaken up.

I went home and started throwing tantrums about how inconvenient it is to commute without a scooter and that I m no longer sharing it with my brother. I didn’t tell them why I was being an ass and fighting with them for scooter that was needed to be shared on some days. Because parents get scared and worried and I was just 20 or 21 year old.

Today for some reason I can’t help but think about that day and wonder what this girl must have gone through. I think there is only one person who knows about that day of my life.

Its just whether its Sandy Hook shootout or this rape, i cant help but feel that people are losing humanity.