Are you talking to me…?

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Found this on Instagram and I can’t help but wonder if it’s for me. But writing about what hurts needs courage and I’m anything but brave. Well my guess is as good as yours, Mr Hemingway didn’t really penned this down for me.

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the better side of the window…!!!!

I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.

Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?

I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.

Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.

Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.

But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?

I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.

Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.

It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.

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Super Heroes too need saving…

Today im the darkest shade of blue and a part of me, inside my head, went so bad that i got scared. My thoughts scared me. What can i say, sometimes Super heroes too need saving. Sadly, no one is coming to save me but it doesn’t hurt to wait, i mean its already hurting so bad maybe waiting would only help.

Every story needs a bad-ass villian

If i a have choice to be born as someone else, i would probably not take it because i have had a good life so far and the people i have in my life are my life. But, some days i do wonder what if i had choice to not be me.

Lying all day all night, pretending and faking has made me a bitter and mean person which kind of hurts people and me too. I realise how i have become the bad guy among people in my life, directly and indirectly. Either they don’t know this maybe or they are just not sure how to fix it. I wasn’t this bad-ass mean person; i was once a girl who was nicer. Before i became the misfit, before i found out why i always was different, before i found how i can never be a part of sunshine world, before i realized how i am two different person in one body – one is what im and one is for what people want to see. Before all this, i was quite a nice little girl with not a single bone of meanness inside her.

Since im kind of cranky right now, i think i shouldn’t write much so im going to leave two songs i discovered and cant stop listening to. The one by Lesley Roy is probably written for me. I think even if i delete everything and just upload this one song, you would get my state of mind cause the lyrics are just i want to say.

This second one is probably way better than the original one. I think this guy has sung better than Bob Dylan and Adele. I cant stop listening to this one even though i am all Hulk right now. Right now, i feel like Kathleen Kelly from that scene where she closes her shop, walks home and sits alone in a corner with a soup bowl wondering where to go from there, feeling all lost and beaten by universe.

Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression, Acceptance…!!!!

Sometimes it hurts because you can see things all crystal clear and you cant be hide or deny or say its all okay. Sometimes its hurts because there is anger you dont want, anger that destroys you and others. Sometimes it hurts because you are ready to do anything and everything to fix it, but you know it cant be. Sometimes it hurts because there is sadness, so much of it, heavy and deep like a seed growing every second you breath. Sometimes it hurts because you know you are giving up, on everything you wanted to fight for, on everything that you were living on and wish you would fight a little more.

Goodnight World!!

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All I needed was a hug, but I managed with Uptown Girls…!!!!

Sometimes a part of me tell me to grow up and accept things and the fact that there is no Dawn.

Have you ever watched a movie in a movie hall without even watching it? Like you are looking at the screen but you arent actually watching it.

Today I went for this sad romantic Hindi movie with my friend. When the movie got over I saw two girls on our right crying with tears flowing…real tears. Then I realised they were not the only one crying. A couple sat hand in hand, girl in tears and many more were busy grieving the death of the hero in the movie who committed suicide leaving the heroine alone to live a better life, for she deserved better.

So when I told my friend (who was watching this movie for the second time) that there wasnt a single scene when I felt like crying she looked around and jokingly called me insensitive. We laughed and walked out.

Truth is I wasnt even there during the movie, my mind was lost. How I wish I could tell my friend that I didnt cry because I have already cried for the day. I cried when I was taking shower to get ready, when I was tying my shoe laces, when I was combing my hair….i cried alot even more than those girls in the cinema hall.

Truth is I wish I could tell them that hero’s suicide didnt make me sad cause I was angry at him for doing so, cause I had a thought like that today.

Im not insensitive am broken and drowning.

Today life hit me with reality again. Truth that miracles, dawn and happy endings are part of a world I dont belong to.

I have to go, but am okay now. Feeling so much better after watching Uptown Girls. I cried again when the movie finished but these were tears of happiness. I love this movie. Love Brittany Murphy in this movie.

Goodnight world!!

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I need to spend more time reading…!!!!

I should sleep right now but then I guess little writing would be good for me too. I had a good weekend, relaxed, slow and less stressed which means I can be brave enough for Monday and the rest of the days before I go back to my weekend.

I finally finished “The Perk of Being a Wallflower” and like I said before it’s a nice book, at least for me it is.  Every page of the book was like reading about me only in different circumstances with different loved ones and friends. This is the second book that I have related to like this, first being The Diary of Anne Frank. I guess it’s the way these books were written, the format of writing letters or diary and the thoughts of a teenage boy and girl. Because, I recall writing like that in my old diaries about people around me, my friends and myself.

There is line at the end of the book says something like “there are people with worst things in life happening to them but it doesn’t change who you are or what you are going through”. I think that’s what the line was trying to say. Why I liked it? Because I have everything a job with good salary, loved ones who love me and I’m healthy yet I can’t stop my sadness, the emptiness or the darkness. Maybe my reason is small and maybe compared to others I have more than I deserve but I still feel the pain. Maybe my reason is a dot but when it hurts it hurts. In one chapter, Charlie got stoned and wrote about how he feels when he goes blue and it’s hard to feel good. The way he described it I realized I kind of feel that way too.

I think I love the way Charlie sees his friends and family in the book, especially Sam. His vision of friendship is unique and so innocent. When Sam said that he keeps others happiness above his and that’s not love I realized what she meant, but isn’t that’s what makes Charlie different from Patrick, Craig, Peter and everyone else?

Tomorrow I plan to start reading Fountainhead and I am also going to order “Sarah’s Keys” to read.

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I will never forget you my love…never!!!!

I have been blue for so long, have had worst nightmare, bad thoughts, and self-destructive ideas but never in my life I felt a pain like today. Usually when I’m sad it’s a physical pain that hurts somewhere inside me, I feel heavy and sad which gets better once I cry it out. This pain is not physical, not heavy and nothing that I can forget over a good cup of coffee, a nice movie and a happy day. Its emptiness. I feel empty and I can’t fill it. A part of me died today when my Snowy died.

People think I’m sad, but it’s not sadness it’s like living in absence of something. Since morning my room, my bed, my house and my life feels weird. Like something is missing and I can’t find it anymore. But I have to. I need to. But I can’t.

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t people to know I’m sad because it would hurt me if someone said “its okay, he was a dog”. It would. But I can’t stop grieving.

I couldn’t sleep last night because he was restless, in pain and ill. Ever since he got sick I tried to tell myself that one day we might have to put him down for his good; to save him from pain. I never thought I would see him die. I did. He stopped breathing right in front of me. I cannot get this morning out of my mind. His face, when he died, won’t leave my eyes.  I have never seen anyone die before, I have never cried on anyone’s death before. When i called his name and tried to check his pulse, i heard heavy heart thumping noise coming from inside me. I felt my heartbeat, i heard it loud.

I don’t want anyone to tell me to stop being sad because he was a dog, he was ill and its ok now. I don’t want to tell myself “cry now all you want don’t do it tomorrow or people will think you are being dramatic”. I want to cry because I’m sad, I’m broken and I miss him.

Even now I keep forgetting he is not here and I try to look at the corner of my bed wanting to check if he is sleeping okay. Lights went out and I almost said “people don’t step on Snowy”, I didn’t.

 

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I hope, I just hope, he knew how much I loved him. I am so thankful to him for coming into my life.

what are you thinking?

Its 1 am and everyone is asleep at my place which gives me time to sit alone and cry because of course I would never let them see the pain. No one. My dog is old and ill and it’s killing me. My stomach hurts me but seeing him is worst.

My friend, who knows there are things inside me troubling me, asked me what I am thinking. I told her I’m thinking nothing but I know she knows I lied. I’m thinking I’m going to lose him; I’m thinking he is so tiny and weak and sick. So sometimes I would just go to him and tell him I love him. He is sleeping right now; he had a doctor visit today and will have another one tomorrow. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why can’t he walk and jump around like he used to? Is he thinking why are we taking him for injections and medicines? Is he thinking why everything hurts?

I have been having stomach issues since Sunday night and I can talk about it, I tell my friends, I tell my mom and I make big fuss out of it that “I’m ill and it hurts”. He can’t do that, he can’t tell us that he doesn’t feel good or that it hurts to stand up.

I’m so sad right now but I can’t let people know or they will ask why and I’m afraid to say what I’m thinking.