When a writer inside a person dies, you don’t call an ambulance, you change the music…!!!!

It was a weird day because i was sleepy, low, bored and uninterested in everything. I kept telling myself it’s because I’m not well (caught a stomach infection) but truth is i was in a dull mode for no reason. Guess I’m exhausted from being sick for sure and then the work and the fact that I haven’t had my cup of coffee for past 3 days now.

Good news Weekend is here. You know when i was low and blue today i missed my stories, i did. I just hope this weekend i spend some time writing. I can’t give up on things i like, on my beliefs and my dawn, even if its all a sinking boat. What’s that song by Passenger “i AM NOT GONNA ROCK THIS BOAT CAUSE SEA DOESN’T KNOW MY NAME”.

I have a busy day tomorrow with the German translator coming for a day, so i better go. I am dying for a cup of ice-cream, chocolate one. Dark chocolate ice-cream by Baskin Robins. O man i miss good food.

Happy Friday to All and Goodnight World!

Well, atleast, im not Nadal, hope im not Federer either…!!!!

Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.

Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.

So things that have happened, good ones:

I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.

So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.

Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.

Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.

Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.

Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.

Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.

I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.

I’m part wine, part water…!!!!

Have you felt ever you are not one person? That there are two people living inside you, one messed up and other one sanity keeping you from falling over the edge. I think I am two people, a part of me is sad so sad that it usually stays sad and hates everything while the other one loves to laugh, smile, is nice to everyone and wants no part of blues around.

I want to dedicate Avril’s song Darling to myself because I wish someone would just say those words to me, tell me its okay.

My head hurts right now and with blurry wet eyes its hard to see what I’m writing. The sane part of me begs me to sleep while something inside says watch one more episode. So I watch back to back episodes to shutdown and turn off the good and bad me arguing.

Today I said something to a friend of mine and I think I scared her. She treats me her as her kid and is usually worried about me. I didn’t mean to scare her.

Its 3 am and I’m thinking donut or chocolate icecream. I wonder why I don’t have icecream in my fridge.

Among the various reasons why I’m blue and angry all the time, is also the fact that I feel like a thankless fool who has everything yet who cries unhappiness.

But, sometimes we hurt even when we didn’t fall…!!!!

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One thing that icecream taught me…there is no win-win!!!!

I miss my laptop but not having access to all the episodes and movies means I can go back to reading. Good thing I m back to exercise routine.

I don’t feel good right now, part of it is because I am sleepy. This morning I woke up happy, drove to office with a happy song and suddenly I heard the voices in my head saying don’t be too happy Little. Truth is everytime when I’m in a jolly mood for no reason I get scared.

Anyhow, I feel like crap right now. It was a pretty decent day still I feel that way. I really want to hear Jodie Foster’s speech. I think she is a rockstar.

So, I think I’m going to be very sad when Castle is over. And PLL. Which reminds me how I’m waiting for Glee. Why do I wait for these shows? Why Beckett or McDreamy feel like real people to me?

You know what I need? Coffee. Though i just had a cup of chocolate icecream. I don’t want all that calories, I mean that’s why I’m workingout but I also want to be in a happy mood. There is no win-win.

So, I was sad almost in tears and I start watching Castle. Few back to back episodes made me so numb and tired, not only I’m sleepy and yawning I also don’t feel anymore sadness or any other kind of emotions. I’m blank. Though I do feel one thing, hunger. I am hungry and my mind for some reason is trying to think of nice stuff to eat.

I got to go now, its 2am and as usual I’m dreading a super sleepy day tomorrow at Gotham.
Sad thing chocolate icecream is failing me, as its effect vapors away so quickly.

Dear Dawn,

We might never meet, but I will never stop looking for you.

Me

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Little is thankful for…!!!!

We don’t do thanksgiving in India, but since when did I let religion or country define what I do…so I’m going to tell you about things I’m thankful for.

Yes I know, I’m usually cribbing and crying saying how much messed up I’m but that doesn’t mean I’m not thankful. I cry and go blue because I’m someone who is hurt and can’t talk about it and there is nothing in this whole world anyone can do to fix it. But believe me when I say I am thankful.

Thankful for life, for people I have and even Gotham. I have a family who loves me because they go with tantrums all the time. My mum, dad and my brother find it difficult to understand me but they love me, which is probably why I get sadder. I’m so thankful for them, for the fact that they let me be all kido even when I’m not supposed to be. Having a family is a thing to be thankful for and I’m. I don’t ever show them how much they mean, I take them for granted but they are special to me.

My thankyous extend to so many people; my friends are my life’s biggest support. I’m thankful for friends who know the story and who don’t but still do not care. There are people who are more than friends to me, they are my family, and they are my people and my support system keeping me alive.

Also, I’m thankful for Gotham. I know I know I say a lot of things about how Gotham sucks but its Gotham that makes me an independent grown up. Gotham and I may not have the love we had once between us, I still am thankful for having Gotham. Gotham gave me so many things, Gotham gave me my most awesome person, it gave me reason to make my parents be proud of me, it gave me my first cheque, my car and the respect among people.

And I won’t end up without saying I’m thankful for Snowy. A tiny miny puppy came in to my life and has become everything to me. I take people for granted, he takes me for granted.

Thankful for this blog too!!!!

Thankful for all the good food in the world

Thankful for my coffee

Thankful for the all the ice-creams in the world

Thankful for all the music in the world

 

Thankful for a home

Thankful for good health