Little needs Defibrillation…

I’m so glad I’m out of the zombie zone I was in, yesterday. Has happened before too and it always leaves me wondering how powerful a mind is, if it decides to shut down there is nothing you can do about it.

Lately, Gotham is going super busy which leaves me all exhausted by the end of the day which kind of is keeping me from blogging and from my latest resolution. I have decided to work on Jane Doe again, sort of re-work. I want to do changes, major ones to send it again and hopefully this time it would be more presentable.

I can’t work on Dominique, Crossroads, New York and the other untitled story I have in my laptop knowing I failed with Jane Doe. Knowing that I could still try to work on it, fix it, re-brush it and send it again. I keep thinking about how writing was my one true love; something I used to love doing no matter how crazy things have had been but now its one thing I can’t do. I don’t know if its the rejection of Jane Doe or the fact that my stories are not what people would like to read.

I only write about scarred souls, people with tragedy and revenge and death is often there. I like to write tragedy and I know I’m not a good writer, heck I’m not even a story teller. But I like to write. So, here I’m doing one thing that I like, write. I have decided to get back to Jane Doe, cause I want to believe trying one more time is what I need.

I might never get any of my work published but I don’t want to say I never tried. I don’t have much regrets in life, trust me. I mean my life is one hell of a drama but I have never done anything to regret except one or two stupid things. Not writing because I won’t make it would be a regret I don’t want in my resume of life.

Plus, this is one thing I need to do to stay sane, to stay alive…So i will write…

Scarred souls are the steering wheel of fictional dramas

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Woke up on the wrong side of the bed…

Im suppose to be happy today, because i took first step towards my editing of Jane Doe and because it was a day off on Monday. But every part of me is lost and blue and thoughtful and on verge of falling into pieces. Dont ask why because i dont know.

Some days you just wake up like this and today was that day.

 

 

I have a plan for tomorrow…!!!!

Voices: Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Me: In my room, why what’s wrong?

Voices: (Rolling Eyes) Everything

A conversation I had with myself today and I realised I see nothing for me; I’m just waiting and watching for what’s coming. I might be angry with the world for not being the place for me; I’m highly disappointed at myself for fiddling with a White Flag. Yes, that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m sitting with a White Flag on my lap and waiting for my crutches of hopes to break and fall. I may be doomed and I may be struggling with my thoughts about hopes and miracles and silver lining, but I’m not letting my despair take me down so fast.

I don’t know what kind of day it would be tomorrow, but I do know one thing and I know it very well. I’m sending Jane Doe to a publishing house, something I have been ignoring for long now. Rejection is the worst thing that could happen and not sending is REJECTION in itself.

I don’t know what tomorrow has in mind for me, but I have a plan for tomorrow.

Voices: Smiling

Me: Why are you smiling?

Voices: We can be inspiring

Me: really? Where do you go when I sit with the stories? Haan?

Voices: Silence

Me: Thought so…

 

Little had a beautiful birthday weekend…!!!!

A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.

My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.

I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.

I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.

Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.

Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.

Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.

Goodnight world!!

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Can i hate my internet service provider & still go to heaven? Guess not…!!!

I wish we could choose our relatives like we choose our friends. Im not a fan of mine because its just hard to feel connected to them when they talk. But then i wonder if i look at myself from their eyes, i would be the odd one in the room.

Anyhow, i have a problem. I have a story circling my head and i have started work on it but now am being held back by something, maybe fear of wondering how it will come out. Was Jane Doe bad? Is this one going to be a bummer too? And worst why don’t i have a name? Im a person who usually has a name and then story. That’s how it goes, usually, but not this time. I just need to find a good soundtrack for this one.

Well, it was a good day. Family dinner, haircut and shopping. Decent i would say, though i feel bad about not writing a single word so far but i plan to write now. Hopefully i might go to bed with some writing done.

Goodnight world!

P.S i still don’t have access to internet on my laptop which is why am mostly away from urs and my own blog. Using mobile and internet for now.

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Well, atleast, im not Nadal, hope im not Federer either…!!!!

Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.

Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.

So things that have happened, good ones:

I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.

So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.

Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.

Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.

Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.

Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.

Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.

I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.

History can repeat itself, but not tomorrow…!!!!

I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.

I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me.  Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.

This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.

I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.

There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.

So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.

Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.

Goodnight world!

P.S leaving you with pictures of the day

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Some days i tell myself it rained for me…!!!!

Today was a good day because I had fun, because I was with friends, because it was raining and because I was driving through puddles of water splashing water and screaming like a kid.

Some days I’m happy because I’m living inside my head, a world away from the one in front of my eyes and then there are days I’m living in past, the faint memories of good days that went by in a jiffy. Today was one such day; I was having fun and remembering good old days when a day like today was every day.

Right now I wish I was with my brother on his trip, but I’m not. He and my cousin are going to Srinagar the most beautiful land I have ever known.

Break, vacation, holiday…3 words I haven’t been friends with for long now. Some days I wish I had time to just sit idle all day, waste hours and not worry about it because I had time lots of it, to waste. But then I cant sit idle.

You know some of the very good publication houses don’t take unsolicited work which means I can strike them of my list, because I don’t have agents or money to hire one. I may never become an author people would recommend but I want to become an author, one who got published.

Life doesn’t look good from where I stand but at least I can say I went down fighting, right?

Most of us don’t realise how quickly life changes because we are too busy mixing up with and adapting to the changes, new faces, new routines and the new world. This is where I end up being the last one standing, because when these changes cover my world I can’t stop pushing myself to the place I was standing.

Today I don’t have any episode to watch so I’m wondering, book? Download some episode? Watch one of the movies on my laptop? Write a new story? Edit Jane Doe? Watch TV? Or just lie down with my headphones on?

I am enjoying the weather, because monsoon is like the best time of the year. It’s rainy, windy, chilly and nice. If you know what Indian summers are like, you will love monsoon too.

A cup of coffee, a rainy day, a slow day, laptop and headphones…just few of the things I want. I hope I get it tomorrow, I hope it rains again tomorrow; I hope I can just be me and have some Me-Time tomorrow again.

Today I was sitting alone in my car, waiting for my friends, and I saw this street dog and I was looking at him and smiling. A part of me wanted to just go and hug him, something that happens a lot. If I could I would hug every dog I see. Because I can’t hug mine, I can’t. This is one void that will hurt me forever even if I get my Dawn, even if life gives me a miracle and I end up happy. I don’t think I can ever stop missing Snowy.

I got to go, hope it will be a rainy day tomorrow because I need it to be, because I am a sad soul who looks for tiny little happy moments to recharge the inner awesomeness.

Goodnight World!

P.S i think i will write something anything, Dominique maybe.