Why is there a Thursday & Friday between Wednesday & Saturday?

Im going through a weird phase, my mind is full of scattered thoughts and the emotions inside me are fix of everything from fear, happiness, sadness, anger to confusion.

I need sleep. That and a haircut, but sleep is like way too important.

You know i dont know about grown ups but kids they love me. All of them, at least the ones i know. Well, isn’t that awesome.

Goodnight World!

 

Sing me a lullaby…!!!!

I wanted to write about something today but now i cant think about it. huh! what was it? Anyhow, i want to tell you all something. I love my phone, i do. There i said it. Every since mobile phones became the thing to buy, i have had bought so many of them. No, not because im rich but i just happen to have been an owner of a new phone almost every other year. Strange i know.

But this one, the one i have right now, has to be the one that i would not part with easily. Nokia’s music app is killing me with happiness and music.

I still don’t remember what i wanted to talk about. What was it?

I want to meet a stranger, fall in love, go travel, get drunk, write a love poem and actually hand it over, wake up to a face every day, dance to crazy teen songs while pasting pictures of someone on the walls of my room, practice smiles in mirror and look at the stars only say they are beautiful. I want to be happy, head over heels and in love like every other normal person is. I want to walk out of the cloud of darkness and glitter in the sunshine of happiness.

Even that’s not what i wanted to write, but that’s just something i say every day to myself hoping one day it would come true. Cause you have to fight, you just have to be Kathleen Kelly and throw some punches in the air and say “Fight, Fight, Fight” or Capt. Karen Emma Walden with “No Surrender” attitude. Yes, I love Meg Ryan 😀 guilty as charged.

I think the week has been too exhausting and that’s why i forgot what i wanted to say.  I have to go because i have a S.J Bolton book to finish.

Man! i need some sleep. Anyhow, today i was running and this thought came to about how glad im for music and what if there was no music in the world. I tried to imagine and i almost died imagining because ever since i have slipped in to my darkness music is one big thing keeping intact. yes, there are other things, there are friends too but i am so glad world has music. When im with my headphones im often a person you would like. Truth is if you’ve had met me in another place, another world chances are you would have loved me because im a fun person deep down somewhere i think.

Okay! now I’m really shutting up my babbling. Somebody make me sleep.

Goodnight world!

!!!

Little is awesome but Little cant, just cant, sleep on time…

Well guess what…i have the title for my story for NaNoWrimo even though I’m still not sure if i can work but hey i have a story, a name and a song. Can do lot with those three things.

Once a class mate from college said that she noticed something in my stories, she said that every story i have written has someone dying in it. True. I don’t know why i never noticed that before but maybe it’s because i write suspense and tragedy together. Most of my stories are drama with darkness in them. A friend of mine was, few days ago, discussing a show with me and said that she finds that little too dark and i realised isn’t that what i write.

Maybe i could have been a happy writer if life would have been different but then i realise if life was sunshine i wouldn’t have been a writer at all. I found writing when i realised im different from everyone.

Today im so tightly wrapped around my darkness, my truth and the pain that it is hard to imagine a life without it. I mean a Sunny Shiny Me? How weird would that be?

I wish i could remember my first story but i don’t. I do remember that i started writing in 9th grade, poems, stories and my daily diaries. Because i was an angry and lone teenager back then who always used to be  fight at home and feel that her family doesn’t care. Not true. My anger is still alive but now i know why im angry and at whom. Im not angry at my parents or my brother or my friends, im angry at the world in general for it is biased and racist and judgmental and lives on rules carved on stones.

My most favourite poem, as written by me, is titled Castle and i think i still have it somewhere. Also What’s my Diagnosis? Is one of my favourite poems. I like Jane Doe but i think my favourite story would be Dominique or Crossroads, if and ever i got to finish them.

I have an idea; i am going to create a different page now with my poems. I don’t write much poems but i do have few that i am proud about.

Voices: Hey Writer Girl

Me: What?

Voices: We think you made your point

Me: And what would that be?

Voices: You love writing. And you are awesome. Seriously?

Voices: Are you going to make a song on it next? A love song for you by you…maybe?

Me: Rude

Voices: Boring and Creepy and Weird…really very weird…

Me: What do you want?

Voices: Didn’t you just book online movie tickets for tomorrow evening?

Me: So?

Voices: Hmm, nothing just…

Me: what?

Voices: Its 2:15 am, you will sleep by 2:30, get up late, go late and that would mean…

Me: Feck…that would mean i won’t be able to leave on time for my movie.

Voices: Whoa! You do have a brain. You should use it more often.

Me: I should get a lobotomy

Voices: Because?

Me: You guys live in there

Voices: Whatever…2:18 am…Tick Tock Tick…

Me: AAAaahhh….aaah smiley

 

 

hAPPY & bLUE…sO WHAT’s New?

So i spent half of my day thinking about the episodes, seasons and movies that i could choose from for Friday night…Elementary? Suits? The Lying Game? Big Bang Theory? The Killing? Winona Ryder movie? Jodie Foster movie?…And i end up doing a marathon of S3 PLL…!!!!

Have you ever envied someone else’s sadness? I have. Sometimes when I hear a friend talk about something that makes him/her sad, I silently wonder if I could have their sadness and let go of mine. Crazy? I know. Pain is pain, small or big. Mine is comparatively the smallest one in the whole world but the fact that it lives inside me all the time makes it feel big so big that I don’t know what to do.

Though I’m in a happy mood right now, I don’t know why I’m talking blue. Telling yourself ‘you are a good person’ again and again is a lonely and sad thing. Sometimes when I do something good, even a tiniest good deed, I end up thinking about it again and again wondering if people notice. Why? I want to assure myself I’m a good person, I’m not a bad soul and I deserve to smile too.

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2-3 days back a friend said something about some TV show which hit me hard. It was a harmless conversation about TV shows and all and then the friend said something, totally unrelated to me or us but the comment fell on my pain. It happens when you hide things  people end up walking over your pain because they don’t know it is hurting.

I have a busy weekend but I hope I get to write few page of my story. Today I was thinking about Dominique a lot and maybe I would be working on it because I miss it. Actually I miss being honest and myself, I pretend all day all night but writing makes me honest. Dominique is the most honest work of mine because it has a story I would like to share but wouldn’t dare to.

So now it’s too late to watch the Winona Ryder movie that I downloaded because a part of me wanted to watch her movie. I thought about watching “Reality Bites” or “Little Women” again but then I found a new movie. I can do a Winona and Meg Ryan marathon anytime.

Its 3:30 AM and I don’t want to fall asleep, I want to stay awake, I don’t know why. I just want to sit and talk, since I can’t talk to anyone I’m babbling here. I finally finished my Mary Higgins Clark thriller and it took me ages. I used be such a quick reader but it was like a long time ago.

It’s going to be a busy weekend and I’m hoping to take out time for a movie because I need a large screen fiction therapy. I think I can manage one episode before I actually turn off the lights, pilot episode of ‘The Killing’ maybe.

Goodnight world!

Its monsoon outside and inside…!!!

You know what I love…sound of rain. Yes, I love sound of rain, the smell of it in the air and the feel of it as it falls all over the place.

I have been trying to stay away from blogging for few days for simple reason, because my mind is not working. Nothing is working. I can’t read, can’t write or do anything. I’m lost. I’m in monsoon phase, not the real one but the phase where im a cry-baby; all i do is burst into tears anytime of the day, any place. Awkward, when it happens at Gotham because man I have people around and too many trips to washroom would only mean I have had the worst breakfast. I m not trying to be funny, I can’t be funny though I feel lot better right now. Probably it’s the rain outside.

Today, I gave the silliest quote to a friend “Hope is a soap my friend and I am running out of it”. And my friend said I can buy you another one and I ended up laughing.

I am dying for a day off like a day when I can lock myself in my room, stay dirty, not brush, eat instant noodles, drink coffee and attach my phone with the speakers in my room at loud volume. Yeah! I want that.

I’m out of energy and it takes everything to get up and drive to work. I’m mad at a friend for she has moved to another country.

I found another friend this week, she has been a great help. Everyone say hello to Sara Bareilles:

I have to go now because if I didn’t sleep on time today, I don’t think I would be able to survive my Friday. Super sleep deprived, running out of positivity, blue and cry baby – pretty much what I’m lately. I got to go, you guys enjoy the song.

I need a hug, xanax doesn’t work on Superheroes…!!!!

Sometimes you are just what you are a liar, a tear hidden behind the smile and a poker face.

I will always be this even for people who love me.

I have stopped taking stupid pills, i think they are making me more sad. Plus, im dizzy and zombie like half of the day.

Nadal lost his first game, Federer lost the second…is it a sign? I hope not.

Got to go. I need hug, i don’t need pills, i need a hug.
Goodnight world !!!!

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I dont want to be a Super Hero, i want to be a Story Teller…!!!!

Yes it rained today and yes I had Me-Time, so I think I’m okay with Monday hanging on my head. Today I wrote a page, random scene, just something that came to my mind so I scribbled it down for fun sake. Writing makes me happy, it’s like a drug.

I have started read Dead Scared by S.J Bolton, hope the book is good, so far it is. After this I will start with And The Mountains Echoed, because I’m a big fan of Khaled Hosseini’s previous two books. The man is a genius. His first book is one of those two books I recommend everyone. Reading work of such people make me want to be one of them, a writer, an author, a story teller.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day because that’s how it has been for past few weeks, plus a new intern from Turkey is going to join. So I have to train him. Sometimes I sound like a different person to my own ears, because when I’m working I’m different. In a busy heavy routine, trying to work with people around me I often look at myself from outside and say “good job girl, you are keeping your calm”.

Got to go. Will read few pages before I sleep.

Goodnight world!

O btw, I love this song from Demi Lovato