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I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.
Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?
I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.
Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.
Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.
But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?
I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.
Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.
It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.
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Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.
For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.
Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy
The carousel never stops moving
Today a weird but factually correct thought crossed my mind, i’m a pathological liar and a narcissist. Yes, together these words are a very bad combination and under any circumstances a person with such abilities is usually doomed to sink. But, in my case i think these are few of many reasons i am surviving.
Now that i think about it, i lie all the time all day long. Sometimes i lie to people because i have no energy to explain them my reasons to ignore the social events or gatherings or things. Sometimes i lie to people because only i know there is no answer to questions like ‘You okay?’. Sometimes lying is so easy because i do not under any circumstances want to talk about words like ‘love’, marriage’ and ‘relationships’. Then there are lies i offer to people who matter for real, people who love me but often get burdened by my inability to be like them. I lie to family and friends because i believe some questions must remain unanswered for sake of effin peace.
I don’t know if there will ever be a day when i will no more have to lie…I guess, the mask you wear becomes who you are…the case of a lie and a liar…
I don’t know why the thought, because I’ve had an amazing day today. Kind of rosy and peachy Friday for me. I think it has to do with the week. I think it’s also coming from the sleep deprived mind of mine that i have been starving of a good 8 hours of nap time.
I’m eagerly waiting for my book from Amazon which would arrive around 16.
Better go now, it was a good day today. Because it was one of those days where you learn that even though all you see are threads there is a hand too, holding you, trying to make sure you don’t fall.
P.S Once again Agnes Obel is amazing…
I read my ‘About Page’ and i kind of wanted to change it, make it more real. So, i wrote a long page with new stuff and it went like this …
A self-labelled super hero, I am nothing but a loner, a dark and delusional human being with a good heart but unhappy soul. That’s me. Because i live in a world where you don’t get a pass to be you unless you are what others are. Normal by acceptable norms set by a world crazy in itself. I was funny once, even with the darkness inside, i was awesome once but now i’m too tired and exhausted to be that.
There was more to it and if had continued i would have probably said things i want to. Then i smiled, realized how sleep deprived i’m and needy for pity. So, i pressed backspace again and again and again.
Truth is, i had an okay day, not great, not bad but decent. For some part of it i was even smiling and chair dancing while working on my PC at Gotham. But now, i am alone and stripped of my super hero uniform.
Sometimes i wish the whole TVD compel thing was for real, i could use some compelling to forget things, truth and the ache that has become my skin.
If i could i would get myself compelled to be somebody i’m not. No biggie, im already living a lie i may as well live one i believe in too.
Superheroes are basically bunch of liars who also happen to be good fighters, acrobats, experts in web weaving, rope jumpers, rich millionaires, flying experts with cape and owners of expensive cars and guns.
So, I do not have all that but I do know how to lie… I’m a Superhero…
Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?
Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.
I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.
You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.
Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.
Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.
Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.
Tonight (again no reading or writing) i explore my windows phone. I have a windows phone and i still don’t know much about it. So today i download few apps and have been going through the phone like it’s someone else’s phone. Good news, now windows 8 people can use Instagram. Yay.
Imagine i create a Twitter account; i follow all my favourite TV and movie and non movie-TV people. And one fine day i see a picture upload from Ian Somerhalder and i click on the link and it says i can’t access because i don’t have Instagram…O COME ON. I mean Windows had no Instagram. I was like WHHAAA?
I had a good day for first half but after lunch i was like sleeping with my eyes open. Why won’t i sleep on time?
Tomorrow i have been invited to a b’day party of a colleague and I’m totally bailing on it with the power and ability to lie. I don’t want to spend 3-4 hours of my life with bunch of girls who would get all wasted, laugh, dance and make me wonder why can’t i be like them? Why I’m so uptight and why I’m so me? Not that I do not like ME. I love ME. I do, but sometimes my blues are so heavy that a part of me that wants to give up envies everyone around even the ones i don’t want to be like, no matter what.
I have to go. Why cant i just sleep on time, get up early for workout and drive to work on time and come back on time? Because that would be so not ME…
Saturday came and went away…almost. And I did not buy me a book, did not work on my story, did not do anything except sleeping, eating and listening to music.
I did went out with my brother (I call him Dexter, like the cartoon Dexter) and it was fun. We both do this thing, where we take the car, put on loud music and drive to places where we can find best junk food. Only problem is finding the right song for the drive, as we both have different kind of taste in music. He is more of rock, rap and loud dancing music guy and I am all about Florence and Machine, Angus and Julia, Fun, Brandi Carlile, Avril, EdSheeran, etc…
So I did nothing and was lazy all day long. In the evening when my brother said that we should go out, when he comes back from gym…i almost, almost, opened my mouth to ask him “if you are going to gym, should I walk Snowy out or will dad be going out with him?” and then It struck me. Luckily I didnt say it or else I would have not been able to hold back the tears.
On Friday I got in touch with a friend from school days and I found out how mad she was with me. Still is, for I stopped staying in touch. I vanished, in her words.
She said we had good time and how we were besties and then I stopped being me. I didnt reply or call much.
I apolgised and promised I would be in touch and that it happened unknowingly, as I had a phase, as I was dealing with personal stuff which is why am distant.
Truth is she isnt the only friend with complaints. But then I cant just say “hey gal, sorry m just not the fun person you knew. I dont talk to many people now, usually am pretending even infront of my family too. I stay awake till 2-3 for I like my company and the time I can spend alone. I just went through a xanax phase and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. And I have been battling depression for quite long now. And I had nothing to talk about so I vanished for I am scared of being in a social situation. Freaks me out. Oh and one more thing I have a secret that I havnet told you about. Blah blah blah”
I dont think she would be expecting that and actually get all that when she said if you have issues talk to me, you dont have to vanish. I think she believes am having boy trouble. For she sounded like she wanted to help me find a guy for me.
I know she wont get me because im not the best friend she knew in school. But I did had great time back then and I would want us to be friends, so I apologised and promised I will try to not vanish again.
Its 3:14 am and im hungry. Feel like making instant noodle thing. But It would wake everyone. I better watch Pll and sleep.
Hope tomorrow would be productive in terms of writing. Goodnight world!
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