Being a Superhero glorifies the lying…!!!!

For the first time in my life I finished a book in 2 days. Lately, I have been reading a lot, spending more time on books than TV shows or movies. I do allow myself occasional visit to Modern Family or Grey’s Anatomy but I am mostly busy buried in a book.

There is no answer to why. Lately, I don’t have any answer to any why. I have started doings things that I need to. I have begun working on a story that I probably would never finish and even if I do, I won’t ever share it with anyone. Again no answer to the why.

I’m just glad I have Agnes Obel because sometimes Avril, Brandi and Gaga sound like a lie. Music can be weird. Agnes makes feel the reality like it should, like a skin; all over me. I’m not in denial, I’m just living as Hyde and Jekyll or as I prefer to call it Batman and Bruce Wayne syndrome. That sounds better considering the fact that it glorifies my pretenses. Works magically on my self esteem.

Sometimes I wish I was a pianist or a violinist. I don’t know why but I think it’s the warm and kind embrace behind an instrumental music that makes me wish I was good with musical instruments.

I finished Someone Named Eva, The Girl On the Train and Annie On My Mind. All 3 of them were really good. I have this weird wish to one day visit Auschwitz, don’t know why but a part of me wants to pay my respect there. I know sounds weird for it’s not a name someone, who hasn’t been anywhere outside her country, takes for a foreign trip. I do have NYC on my mind all the time, but I wish to see myself in one of the camp sites in Poland and in Amsterdam where Anne lived.

There is no purpose of this post, I’m just sitting alone in my room and its 3 in the morning the ghostly hour. I felt like talking. At first I almost picked my diary. I feel unsettled despite the fact that the day was good, I saw HOME movie and spent rest of my day on my sofa reading and reading and finishing the book.

Tomorrow I shall search for more books because I just have Code Verity left now and I’m afraid I’m going to be soon left with nothing to read. I do not wish to go back to the TV show addiction. They lie. Books lie too but you know it’s a book, with TV shows you tend to forget the faces are actors who are nothing like the characters they play.

Got to go now.

Goodnight world!

Falling out of the lies and into the love…!!!!

To her it was just another night

For her it was all part of her fight

She walked with grace

Hiding behind the veil and a pretentious face

Smiling elegantly she greeted around

To the luxury and power she was bound

But her heart cared less

To her it was a matter of lies and ignorance

In a crowd of liars far better than her

Of souls more ignorant that her

She looked for none & cared for none

And then her eyes fell upon

A face wearing innocence

Smile biggest of all

A soul who must have crawl

Inside from another world

A scene so ghastly for the residents

Of pride and prudence

The creature of happiness

Was clearly lost in to brightness

Of rich and royals

While dressed in simple and subtle

The uninvited guest was enjoying

The surprised and prying

Of one and all

She had forgotten where she stood

Lost her glory and hood

Taking steps towards the eyes

She was caught in by

She moved out of her own will

While the world stood still

Who are you? She heard herself whisper

Taking the hands of the stranger

She stepped out of the grip

Of the faces she wore

All she wanted was to strip

Out of the fake extravagance

Clinging to her tightly

Before this moment nothing made sense

She could feel hundred of eyes boring on her back

As she threw the veil

With every strength and lots of struggle

But the beautiful eyes staring at her

Were too magnetic for her to care

Of those she didn’t belong to

Her stare was fixed on the smile

Throwing away the shoes

She was ready to walk for miles

With someone who had a beating heart

Unlike those cold one who lived on wealth

She wanted more, so more

For the first time she swore

She felt like she was alive and awake

It didn’t matter what was on stake

She was no longer able to care

For those staring from left right & above

For she had fallen hard

Out of the lies and into the love…!!!!

broken bones…!!!!

Do tell

when they find

the broken

bones

of a girl so sad

who had

nothing to

hold on to

anymore

for

the air was too thin

the sky went grim

sun died

she cried & cried

searching for comfort

for it hurt

she hid

she ran

she fell,

do tell

for they would

want to  know

where went the glow

of her lies & masks

and pretenses

do tell

her defenses

were broken into

when hope died

& turned blue,

do tell

she fought well

she did

as she hid

behind faces

and smiles

too heavy to carry,

do tell

her story

when they find

her broken

bones….!!!!!!

Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

To the ghost of me…!!!!

To the ghost of me

I want to be you

Not me

But it cant be

So you stay

Inside

Away from the eyes

Of people

You hide

From everyone

But I wish it wasn’t me

Walking in the sun

Smiling to those

Around

I wish it wasn’t you

Gagged and bound

Left to breathe

In silence

And darkness within me

I want to be you

I want people

To like you

The face I am

For real for true

But a shadow

You are

And will always be

And I will face the rain

The sun and moon

Colored in gloom

You will watch

From the window

Inside me

Wanting to grow

Out

Of the lies

But it will always be

Me

Colored in pretenses

Keeping you in fences

I will live

Smile and shine

Not calling you mine

While all I want to

Be

Is you

I want to hide

I want to confide

Let the world see you

And not me

But you are a dream

A story untold

A seem

That will never get unfold

To the ghost of me

I want to be you

Not me

But it can’t be….!!!!