For the first time in my life I finished a book in 2 days. Lately, I have been reading a lot, spending more time on books than TV shows or movies. I do allow myself occasional visit to Modern Family or Grey’s Anatomy but I am mostly busy buried in a book.
There is no answer to why. Lately, I don’t have any answer to any why. I have started doings things that I need to. I have begun working on a story that I probably would never finish and even if I do, I won’t ever share it with anyone. Again no answer to the why.
I’m just glad I have Agnes Obel because sometimes Avril, Brandi and Gaga sound like a lie. Music can be weird. Agnes makes feel the reality like it should, like a skin; all over me. I’m not in denial, I’m just living as Hyde and Jekyll or as I prefer to call it Batman and Bruce Wayne syndrome. That sounds better considering the fact that it glorifies my pretenses. Works magically on my self esteem.
Sometimes I wish I was a pianist or a violinist. I don’t know why but I think it’s the warm and kind embrace behind an instrumental music that makes me wish I was good with musical instruments.
I finished Someone Named Eva, The Girl On the Train and Annie On My Mind. All 3 of them were really good. I have this weird wish to one day visit Auschwitz, don’t know why but a part of me wants to pay my respect there. I know sounds weird for it’s not a name someone, who hasn’t been anywhere outside her country, takes for a foreign trip. I do have NYC on my mind all the time, but I wish to see myself in one of the camp sites in Poland and in Amsterdam where Anne lived.
There is no purpose of this post, I’m just sitting alone in my room and its 3 in the morning the ghostly hour. I felt like talking. At first I almost picked my diary. I feel unsettled despite the fact that the day was good, I saw HOME movie and spent rest of my day on my sofa reading and reading and finishing the book.
Tomorrow I shall search for more books because I just have Code Verity left now and I’m afraid I’m going to be soon left with nothing to read. I do not wish to go back to the TV show addiction. They lie. Books lie too but you know it’s a book, with TV shows you tend to forget the faces are actors who are nothing like the characters they play.
Got to go now.
To her it was just another night
For her it was all part of her fight
She walked with grace
Hiding behind the veil and a pretentious face
Smiling elegantly she greeted around
To the luxury and power she was bound
But her heart cared less
To her it was a matter of lies and ignorance
In a crowd of liars far better than her
Of souls more ignorant that her
She looked for none & cared for none
And then her eyes fell upon
A face wearing innocence
Smile biggest of all
A soul who must have crawl
Inside from another world
A scene so ghastly for the residents
Of pride and prudence
The creature of happiness
Was clearly lost in to brightness
Of rich and royals
While dressed in simple and subtle
The uninvited guest was enjoying
The surprised and prying
Of one and all
She had forgotten where she stood
Lost her glory and hood
Taking steps towards the eyes
She was caught in by
She moved out of her own will
While the world stood still
Who are you? She heard herself whisper
Taking the hands of the stranger
She stepped out of the grip
Of the faces she wore
All she wanted was to strip
Out of the fake extravagance
Clinging to her tightly
Before this moment nothing made sense
She could feel hundred of eyes boring on her back
As she threw the veil
With every strength and lots of struggle
But the beautiful eyes staring at her
Were too magnetic for her to care
Of those she didn’t belong to
Her stare was fixed on the smile
Throwing away the shoes
She was ready to walk for miles
With someone who had a beating heart
Unlike those cold one who lived on wealth
She wanted more, so more
For the first time she swore
She felt like she was alive and awake
It didn’t matter what was on stake
She was no longer able to care
For those staring from left right & above
For she had fallen hard
Out of the lies and into the love…!!!!
when they find
of a girl so sad
hold on to
the air was too thin
the sky went grim
she cried & cried
searching for comfort
for it hurt
for they would
want to know
where went the glow
of her lies & masks
were broken into
when hope died
& turned blue,
she fought well
as she hid
too heavy to carry,
when they find
My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.
When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.
I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.
- Find as many new songs as possible
- Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
- Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
- Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
- Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
- Read as many historical fiction as possible
- Read at least one unread book in my book collection
- Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
- Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
- Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
- Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
- Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
- Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
- Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
- Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong
So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.
There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…
P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille