Desperate much or bored much?

So, its been long since I actually wrote something here. Just busy in my world of nothingness. But today I ended up re-writing my ABOUT  page.

I hope it doesn’t says…

I’m cool follow me, maybe?

Here incase you have not much to do today:

https://littlemissobsessivesanatomy.wordpress.com/about/ 

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Whoa! 6 years of being Little Miss Obsessive…

So apparently it’s my blog’s birthday.  God! It feels like ages ago when I started blogging. I was one of those “I’m going to post my views on politics, social issues and write the right stuff”.

Then I turned into long lost sister of Meredith Grey and colored the blog into nothing, but dark and twisty.

But I love my blog.

I actually made friends with few fellow bloggers. Crazy how people really do click that LIKE button but it feels nice.

When I started blogging I started following other people on regular basis, but I rarely do that now. Its not them it’s me thing. Life is hitting me hard shots with backhand.

This is where I realized I’m a superhero. I miss my super hero posts and the one where I’m talking to the voices. I ‘ve had some really crazy but funny crazy posts too. This is where I do the poetry too.

I wish one day I get to tell my story till then it’s all bits and pieces of my darkness.

Thank you for tagging along.

Sharing something I’ve been listening so much. It’s stuck in my head.

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Rumor has it that Little got inked…!!!!!

I did. I did. I got inked.

For past few weeks, I have been working towards this day. Convincing the family, convincing myself. So, finally it was time. Since Monday I was nervous, freaking out and kind of (SUPER) scared about today. But, I woke up with this thought that if I can walk into a tattoo parlor all by myself and get it over with, I could practically do anything else.

So, I did it. I drove to the Tattoo parlor, sat there and got what I always wanted…musical notes inked on my wrist. That’s another check on the bucket list.

While, I spent last few days breathing heavy and hard shifting from left to right with the anxiety I feel numb right now. Yes, I’m happy. No doubt. I finally have a story now, not that I don’t cause God knows I have a story but now I have a crazy and fun story. Like, guess what I did before I turned 30 kind of story. So yes, I’m happy and thrilled to have followed my heart. But, I don’t know why I’m not jumping. I should be, shouldn’t I?

It’s just that it didn’t feel any different. Not that getting a tattoo could ease the hurt but I thought it would feel different.

Though, I do feel proud of me. It feels like taking control of my life even if it’s for one day. Dude, a tattoo is no joke but I did it even when I had no one to sit there with me with a camera aimed at my am-cool-am-cool-oh-god-am-going-to-die face.

I’m so effin proud of facing my fears and fighting for what I wanted for so long. Truth is, I might not feel different about things in my head but I do feel brave. Cause I just got a Tat… and rumors are true.

Dear Me,

Remember that day you sat there on your bed inking a tattoo on your wrist with a pen, because no way on earth could you ever get one for real.

So, don’t give up on dawn. Not yet.

Myself

 

Dear Me-5-Years-From-Now,

Dear Me-5-Years-From-Now,

I don’t know if you and I are the same, because I’m definitely not what I was 5 years from today but I do hope you are somewhat close to being happy. Funny thing is I was never happy, not even when I think I was. I guess this is where we sing our anthem Born This Way. I, also, do hope you are still hooked to the headphones because if you are I know you are safe and you’ll make it through whatever there is 5 years from now.

It would be crazy if you are anything like what I’m today because it would mean my level of anxieties, fear and blues are just the same. No scope of decline. Please tell me, 5 years from now you have finally found a way to get up early in the morning, because I’m sure I would be a late night person even years from now. And I also hope, so hope, that you managed to travel. Please tell me, you are or were in NYC. Please say yes. Please. Please.

It’s not that things are bad right now, not really, but they are definitely at a blind turn. So, I can only wonder what and where I would be next year or 5 years down the line. Just hope, I’m still not in Gotham. That would be the saddest thing apart from many other things that could happen.

I don’t know why I’m talking to you today, guess it’s because I can’t stop wondering if things would ever change like good-change. Would I ever get to stop being Batman, will there ever be a day I would leave Gotham and what about true love? I guess, my probability of finding water on Mars is way more than finding true love on earth. So, I just hope if not love at least you would have travel stories or a new job adventures going on.

Happiness is just a word and I know even if you have some of the things that I dream about, or wish for, you’d still be not happy happy. That’s not your fault. We have been stained by the ache so bad; there is no detergent to wash it away. But, if you are traveling or doing something you love its almost being happy. Not getting panic attacks anymore is the closest to happiness you would ever be. That I know. More than anything, I wish you are no longer lying cause if you are then I guess you too would find yourself with a letter like this for the 10 years later version of me. I know you too would want to know what I want to know, if the hiding and crying has stopped or not.

Yesterday and Today were crazy days at Gotham, which made me wonder what have I earned or learned in past 8 years, in terms of the work thing. Personally, of course, past 8 years have given, taken and taught a lot.

Among all the questions of who and what I’m 5 years from now, I have to ask this…Are you still writing? Did you manage to find a way to share your stories? Dear me 5 years from now, please be whatever and whoever, just don’t give up on the stories in your head even if it’s just for your eyes, because these stories are the only thing that have kept me going along with few good people. So, I hope you still have your stories and those few good people with you. If you have, I know you are okay and I’m going to be okay whether things are not what you and I want.

Hoping and wishing best,

Little from 2015

P.S No matter what, just keep hanging on.

P.P.S If the voices in your head are still mean, ignore. Like I’m doing right now, while writing this post.

 

Little is allergic to weddings…!!!!

So, if you know me then you also know how hard it is for me to be in a wedding. I don’t like going to weddings not just cause they are too loud and crowded (BTW- Indian weddings are fun if you are not me), but also cause you (me) have to talk to relatives you (me) avoid all the time.

I’m so allergic to weddings that I often end up with symptoms like panic attacks or anxiety or simple Hulk syndrome, where all I want to do is turn green and make that legendary hole-in-wall punch.

Relatives- How are you? How’s it going? What are you doing lately? You never visit or call? When are you getting married? You have to get married now and give us chance to come to your wedding.

Me- Im fine. How are you? Working same place ( where I’ve been working for past 8 years). Just busy. (All the while smiling, looking around for an excuse to escape and working hard to not explode with the invisible panic attacks.)

In short, I’m not a fan of weddings. Nope, don’t like dressing up, have no answers to any questions from uncles and aunts who are probably busy wondering how awesome their daughter or son is compared to me, do not like the loud Punjabi music that I need a dictionary for and, yep, I definitely do not enjoy being the prey for those gazing around, like a hawk to tear me up, with those you-are-next eyes.

Voices – Ahem!
Me- What?
Voices- Dude point
Me- Oh! Yeah. Point is I went for a wedding today, got bored as usual but I clicked a nice picture. Cool right?
Voices (rolling eyes)- images-rolling eyes

image

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Dear Agnes Obel…!!!!

There are these words in my heads, roaming around in random manners dying to come out but I don’t speak. I don’t speak or write or talk. So they keep jumping around making me feel heavy. I feel heavy because I want to talk.

Am angry at the world right now, so much that I want to continue talking and speaking till every single word inside my head is gone away and I can’t feel the heaviness. But I don’t. I don’t speak.

I think Agnes Obel is the only person whose songs are impossible to kill. I have been hooked to Aventine for days now and its like every time I listen to the song it feels like fresh daisies, even if I have it on replay mode. For someone with a reputation to kill a song, I truly believe she is a Super Hero of music world. You cant defeat her music. No you cant. If I could personally write to her it would go something like this:

Dear Agnes,

I would like to pretend we are good friends and we know each other, but I don’t think we can be friends for you are way too awesome to hang out with. You are a Super Hero. Your music is kind of saving me from some very hard things dancing inside my head. I wish I could tell you how awesome your music, the piano and the whole package with violin and the lyrics is. I would be lying if I said I was always a big fan, I wasn’t. I grew up breathing on Britney and Avril, I still bow to them. But then life happened, grown up life and I found you. Confession I found you from an episode of Revenge and since then I haven’t stopped stuffing my phone with every single song of yours. Among the Gaga, Savage Garden, Evanescence and Macklemore playlist, your songs stand like fresh daisies. Like I said, even on a replay mode they don’t die.

I know this might be the worst fan letter ever, but let me tell you I’m not a big crazy fan I’m just someone who cant imagine not listening to your songs when things go bad. They kind of tell me to close my eyes, go to my happy place and keep it together cause that’s what super heroes do. They fight. Sorry, I forgot to mention this before I kind of believe I’m a Super Hero too and that’s why I have so much respect for you. We are from same deal, we are heroes. Only you are a hero with a power to save people, I on other hand have no power but a lot of fight to go through.

Thanking you for your music from the bottom of  my super messed up heart that breathes on a lot of things and your songs are one of them.

P.S Aventine is awesome but dude Riverside is wow.

Love,

Little

I don’t think I should ever be allowed to write a fan letter to anyone, cause for someone whose job is to write I suck at writing a simple Thankyou-For-Your-Music-Im-A-Fan letter.

I better go now, for its way too late and I have a busy busy day tomorrow. I can hear voices in my head laughing at what I had promised myself about sleeping early. God! I’m going to be in trouble tomorrow. So much for the plan and check list.

Goodnight World!