Er, excuse me mister vampire, could you please compel me?

I read my ‘About Page’ and i kind of wanted to change it, make it more real. So, i wrote a long page with new stuff and it went like this …

A self-labelled super hero, I am nothing but a loner, a dark and delusional human being with a good heart but unhappy soul. That’s me. Because i live in a world where you don’t get a pass to be you unless you are what others are. Normal by acceptable norms set by a world crazy in itself. I was funny once, even with the darkness inside, i was awesome once but now i’m too tired and exhausted to be that.

There was more to it and if had continued i would have probably said things i want to. Then i smiled, realized how sleep deprived i’m and needy for pity. So, i pressed backspace again and again and again.

Truth is, i had an okay day, not great, not bad but decent. For some part of it i was even smiling and chair dancing while working on my PC at Gotham. But now, i am alone and stripped of my super hero uniform.

Sometimes i wish the whole TVD compel thing was for real, i could use some compelling to forget things, truth and the ache that has become my skin.

If i could i would get myself compelled to be somebody i’m not. No biggie, im already living a lie i may as well live one i believe in too.

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Little is awesome but Little cant, just cant, sleep on time…

Well guess what…i have the title for my story for NaNoWrimo even though I’m still not sure if i can work but hey i have a story, a name and a song. Can do lot with those three things.

Once a class mate from college said that she noticed something in my stories, she said that every story i have written has someone dying in it. True. I don’t know why i never noticed that before but maybe it’s because i write suspense and tragedy together. Most of my stories are drama with darkness in them. A friend of mine was, few days ago, discussing a show with me and said that she finds that little too dark and i realised isn’t that what i write.

Maybe i could have been a happy writer if life would have been different but then i realise if life was sunshine i wouldn’t have been a writer at all. I found writing when i realised im different from everyone.

Today im so tightly wrapped around my darkness, my truth and the pain that it is hard to imagine a life without it. I mean a Sunny Shiny Me? How weird would that be?

I wish i could remember my first story but i don’t. I do remember that i started writing in 9th grade, poems, stories and my daily diaries. Because i was an angry and lone teenager back then who always used to be  fight at home and feel that her family doesn’t care. Not true. My anger is still alive but now i know why im angry and at whom. Im not angry at my parents or my brother or my friends, im angry at the world in general for it is biased and racist and judgmental and lives on rules carved on stones.

My most favourite poem, as written by me, is titled Castle and i think i still have it somewhere. Also What’s my Diagnosis? Is one of my favourite poems. I like Jane Doe but i think my favourite story would be Dominique or Crossroads, if and ever i got to finish them.

I have an idea; i am going to create a different page now with my poems. I don’t write much poems but i do have few that i am proud about.

Voices: Hey Writer Girl

Me: What?

Voices: We think you made your point

Me: And what would that be?

Voices: You love writing. And you are awesome. Seriously?

Voices: Are you going to make a song on it next? A love song for you by you…maybe?

Me: Rude

Voices: Boring and Creepy and Weird…really very weird…

Me: What do you want?

Voices: Didn’t you just book online movie tickets for tomorrow evening?

Me: So?

Voices: Hmm, nothing just…

Me: what?

Voices: Its 2:15 am, you will sleep by 2:30, get up late, go late and that would mean…

Me: Feck…that would mean i won’t be able to leave on time for my movie.

Voices: Whoa! You do have a brain. You should use it more often.

Me: I should get a lobotomy

Voices: Because?

Me: You guys live in there

Voices: Whatever…2:18 am…Tick Tock Tick…

Me: AAAaahhh….aaah smiley

 

 

Can anyone die of boredom?

Im in pain and the reason, for the first time, is not my story but life in general.

I think its the fact that am bored. So bored of my work, when I ask myself what is it that do? I almost expect someone to say what Frank said to Kathleen Kelly. But then that is what happens in movies, in reality am not a lone reed. Am just a confused loner who is scared to walk out of her comfort zone.

I have been thinking about my job and I wish I could gather the guts to march into unknown.

Today im missing 3 friends all at same time, because I miss them. Yes, at same time.

Another reason am low is lack of good sleep that I make sure i never get. Why the hell cant I just sleep when I know have work tomorrow? Where is weekend? Man I feel drained out and exhausted.

I worry about people I love and today Im worried for a person who is very close to my heart. I wish i wasnt living in another city, so I could just visit and feel better. You know how when you are young and crazy in college and you think life would be the same forever. The good times, long nights, friends and carefree living, nothing will change. It does and today I feel like one of those old people who like to talk about their younger days with the words “when I was young”.

Right now am low on positivity and high on mixed emotions. Its raining outside and im hardly noticing because I dont care, im busy being worried, sad and confused.

You cant be your own friend, your own doctor, your own superhero…and when you try to, its nothing but a sad and sour reality that you are a lost cause.

I wish to take a day off tomorrow and stay home all day and indulge in self-pity, but I cant I will have to get up, drive down to work and smile at people when all I want to do is cry like a teenager who likes to believe that everything bad in the world happens to her, just her.

Goodnight world!

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