You lost me at…wait, who are you again?

I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.

No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?

It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?

Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.

Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.

While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.

It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.

At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.

batman superhero

Advertisements

Soldier at ease…Life says take a break…!!!!

So life says ceasefire…I don’t know if its for a day or a week, but I know I can feel my pulse again and im breathing. Yay!

But stupid cold and fever won’t let me cherish the moment. Now, all I need to do is manage next 9 hours tomorrow and I have my two days of rest. No one knows what hit me and what went through my head except my one super friend. I don’t know what I would have without her, because I was losing my mind.

I wish there was some miracle for me, wish there was someone who would save me.  But it’s a battle that I will lose and nothing can change that. So all I need is to make myself strong which crazy because I thought I was strong. Some Nights is my anthem right now as I listen to it on replay mode.

I cant live if im not living as me.  Not being me can be lethal for me.

Okay people time for my medicine and a nap. Hope I wake up well enough to go to work, play Scrabble in evening and come home to series of episodes waiting for me. Fingers crossed!

Goodnight World!