The only thing that stopped me from crying rivers after reading this is the fact that I was surrounded by my team, that doesn’t know that their Project Manger is a cry baby.
I wanted to reach inside the words and bring her back to life even though I knew it was just a poem, a bunch of words.
I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.
No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?
It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?
Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.
Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.
While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.
It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.
At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.
Weekend came and went in a jiffy or maybe I didn’t notice it because I was too busy partying and having time of my life with a friend who came unannounced.
Saturday I had a surprise visit from a dear dear friend called darkness, I call my friend Darky with love. So Darky kind of is a very old and dear friend, at first I never liked being around this buddy of mine but then with time I got used to having Darky around. There is this thing about Darky, it comes and goes without informing and when we are together, we party and party hard.
So, this Saturday we both sat and spent whole day together. We kind of had a slumber party, just the two of us, as we danced on self pity, anger, misery, bitterness and what not. We have been friends for a long time now, but every time my dear friend visits me I get this weird feeling that i need some space. There I said it, i want to break up with my friend for I think Darky and I need to spend some time apart…by some I mean a lot. Don’t get me wrong, i am so used to Darky that I don’t remember life before we became friends but every visit from my fun friend takes me away from real life.
We party so hard that next day it’s a mess inside my head, the hangover in itself is so strong and I feel so bad about wasting precious little me time where i could have read or wrote or went out for a walk or just did anything else. Every time we meet, Darky and I become crazy duos who kind of cut ourselves away from the world. I kind of avoid my other friends, family and my own self when I’m with this crazy friend of mine.
Guess, some friends are bad influence for real and yet you can’t get rid of them.
Now, I wish I could get my Saturday back. Lying there on the couch hating the world, hating myself, I realized one thing that just when you need the voices in your head to intervene they sit back and enjoy the show of you getting all high and handsey with darkness.
And when the party is over and you are sober, this happens:
Me: God! I want my Saturday back.
Voices: Hmm…Shouldn’t you be wanting your dignity back?
Voices: Just kidding. Saturday is a good wish. What would you do with dignity anyway, throw it away with your next cocktail of self loathing. Go girl!
Voices: BTW…You and Darky…such a lovely couple…sniff sniff…tears…
World might be beautiful but it’s also 3D…we all see it from different angles!!!!
I think im losing my mind or maybe its the week. Past 2-3 days haven’t been fun, so today i woke up telling myself to just survive for few hours and then it would be okay, weekend is here. Plan was simple, i was going to drown myself into music and have as many cup of coffee as possible. Then it happened. Life said Fck you Little. My headphones died on me. They wont work. Of all the days, today they decide to die on me.
I mean im already tired and exhausted with all the crying, the headache is killing me and all i needed was a song to stop thinking. A cup of coffee and some music to kill the voices in my head. Did i ask for too much? Dont think so.
I think i almost ended up crying atleast i was about to, luckily i have friends who for no reason or some reason kind of like me despite my being a total pain to them. So my friend got me extra headphones. Its not about the fact that my headphones stopped working, its just that im exhausted and i just need everyone to stop for a second and hold me tight for im breaking into million pieces.
I’m doomed to suffer i know that but some days the fact just wont stop poking me. It would just not leave me and man i hate such days. I can pretend all i want about things truth is if you look at the world from where i stand, you will see how dark and selfish it is.
How hard is it to surrender? All i need to do is give up but i wont even do that. I want to be my hero, fight and get hurt everyday. Quit already. Nope. Just wont do.
So i had a bad Sunday with some really weird kind of Nervous breakdown or whatever it was. Was bad, really bad and i cant even tell you what all went inside my head. But im all okay now. Okay but pissed because yesterday some moron banged his scooter right in my car. Some really crazy girls were trying to cross the road without looking at the traffic, so i had to press BRAKE for them but the scooter guy doesn’t get to do the same and BANG.
My poor car has had some really bad time in past 2 years, poor car i must say.
Today i really missed my diaries, so much that at one point i almost made my up mind about buying a brand new diary and pen to start writing. But then i realised i shouldn’t. A part of me is tempting me to go back to writing diaries but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to go back to old habits.
Good thing i have been sleeping early and playing every day for past 2-3 days. But whoever said that a good 8 hours sleep and exercise is good for depression didn’t knew me or was never depressed. You know i always believed that my blues were the reason i wrote stories but i guess i was wrong because i cant write anymore. Weird i cant even read.
Lately, everyone is discussing the politics around because of the whole election season but i kind of have no opinion. Its like i dont care about anything.
I think i have lost my mojo. I cant feel my awesomeness or anything even remotely close to it plus i dont even feel like dancing on my bed with loud music. Man! that’s the worst.
I think these are just tears of exhaustion. Imagine if life was simple as going to fridge and opening it to get a hug or calling the home delivery store for a hug or just snapping a finger to get hugged. Nah! Life isnt that simple. Its hard, you dont get a hug just because you want one. Not if you live a life of someone who likes to or prefers to be aloof and alone.
I just finished my second James Patterson novel and he is good. Really good. Both the books were so hard to keep down. This second one 9th Judgement was kind of crazy with so much thrilling suspense. I plan to read all of his Bennet and Lindsay series. My bloody internet has died and I have decided to do something about it once we are back from the family wedding. So no internet, no tv shows which means all I have got are the books. Bring it on.
I need another cup of coffee but I think I should just sleep early. The week has been nothing but a crappy set of busy days which in a way am greatful about. I hate slow days, makes me think and go blue. But busy days are breaking me physically.
Everyday im so exhausted that I have no energy for workout. There goes my resolution to exercise daily.
Imagine im actually looking forward to a family wedding that could be hard on me. Why? Five days off from work. Its like there is no win win. Work or a vacation that consists of wedding, relatives and people looking at you with those “you are next” looks. Lovely.
With so much science we still dont have a hug machine? Shame. If only I was smart enough to make one. I had a bear once, where did he go?
Got to go for im afraid if I didnt go sleep, I will make me one of those instant coffee with sachet and hot water.
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Today I started with a new book and I have decided to read a little, everyday. Too much of TV shows are keeping me away from reading and writing. Fact is I indulge in marathon fictional shows to stay busy and away from my inner turbulence. But now its time for me to give time to other things too.
Thankyou Internet God for my internet service are down just when I needed a push towards reading.
I also need to, now, get back to my daily workout. Cause I cant let myself be like this. Unfortunately for people like me who cant cry out loud, both the patient and shrink live in same body. Self destruction and self help go hand in hand in my case.
I have few pictures on my wardrobe. Pictures of family, friends, snowy and few from my childhood. In one picture I see a small very small girl wearing her father’s army cap and smiling while giving a salute to whoever was taking the picture. Everytime I look at that picture of mine, I wonder if I was happy back then. Truly happy. If I ever knew how life was going to turn out. I look happy and safe from future.
I want to go back to being her, the little girl in that photograph. But fact is I cant go back being a little girl anymore, the girl who knew nothing about world and its strange ways.
So I just try to be a self proclaimed super hero who has secrets, who has a battle and who is loved by everyone because noone knows that the face behind the mask is another average person made of flesh and hone.
Weird I wasnt suppose to write an emotional blog just an update on my plans about focusing on reading.
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