I’m so glad I’m out of the zombie zone I was in, yesterday. Has happened before too and it always leaves me wondering how powerful a mind is, if it decides to shut down there is nothing you can do about it.
Lately, Gotham is going super busy which leaves me all exhausted by the end of the day which kind of is keeping me from blogging and from my latest resolution. I have decided to work on Jane Doe again, sort of re-work. I want to do changes, major ones to send it again and hopefully this time it would be more presentable.
I can’t work on Dominique, Crossroads, New York and the other untitled story I have in my laptop knowing I failed with Jane Doe. Knowing that I could still try to work on it, fix it, re-brush it and send it again. I keep thinking about how writing was my one true love; something I used to love doing no matter how crazy things have had been but now its one thing I can’t do. I don’t know if its the rejection of Jane Doe or the fact that my stories are not what people would like to read.
I only write about scarred souls, people with tragedy and revenge and death is often there. I like to write tragedy and I know I’m not a good writer, heck I’m not even a story teller. But I like to write. So, here I’m doing one thing that I like, write. I have decided to get back to Jane Doe, cause I want to believe trying one more time is what I need.
I might never get any of my work published but I don’t want to say I never tried. I don’t have much regrets in life, trust me. I mean my life is one hell of a drama but I have never done anything to regret except one or two stupid things. Not writing because I won’t make it would be a regret I don’t want in my resume of life.
Plus, this is one thing I need to do to stay sane, to stay alive…So i will write…
Scarred souls are the steering wheel of fictional dramas
Little Miss Obsessive’s Anatomy is special for, its my diary, my mind, my place and i look forward to writing something, anything every day.
Today is the 500th post day which is crazy, unbelievable and awesome. Wow. So Wow.
Little is so thankful to each and everyone who follows, who likes, who reads and who passes by the blog. This is a virtual land painted by various colours of my mood, blue, sunshine, rainbow, dark, crazy, twisty and awesome.
As you can see i have changed the theme and here is the new addition to my blog – a new page – Random People in Little’s Phone
Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.
Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.
So things that have happened, good ones:
I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.
So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.
Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.
Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.
Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.
Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.
Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.
I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.
There is a reason why I love going to movies in cinema halls, its one place where I can actually be among people and yet go unnoticed. Sometimes when I’m sitting in the dark with everyone focused on the big screen even my friend sitting next to me, I relax take a deep breath and take my eyes off the big screen and go into a thinking mode. I like to do that when the movie is kind of boring. The whole movie background noise helps my thinking, while I’m busy doing talk-to-self thing.
Anyhow, there is a problem. My mind.
I know I know, you will say Little isn’t that an old problem? But I’m not saying ‘My Mind’ as in all sad and blue mind, I’m saying ‘My Mind’ as in terms of a confused mind. Here I am sitting alone at my room and I’m like what to do?
Mind – Oooh! Watch a movie. You have so many
Mind– No no wait. Finish Arrow. Just few episodes left
Mind– you know what? Fck the movie and shows. Write. Work on your story.
Mind– Edit Jane Doe. Dude! So much work left.
Mind– wait you can write down the scene you worked on mentally while working at Gotham, when everyone was thinking you were busy working. Man! You are multi talented.
Mind– But if you will work a new story, who will work on Jane Doe?
Mind– Hmm, if you do not want to work on Jane Doe. Guess you should go to Dominique. Don’t start new story now. It’s too confusing.
Mind– What’s the time? Oh! You should just leave everything and read the novel maybe.
Mind– But you know if you play a movie now, you can finish it in decent time.
Mind– what decent time? It’s so late. Just watch TV. See if there is something on. Watch something and then sleep. Maybe Modern Family is on or Big Bang.
Mind– you know just let it all go and write. Work on the new story I know you want to do that. One page won’t kill you or anything else. Plus it’s too late for movie and you are too sleepy to read the novel. Do you even remember the name of the characters? Guess not.
So finally after debating and discussing and wasting all my night just thinking about what to do and not to do, I finally ended up writing 600 words of a chapter of a new story. Don’t have a name for it right now so we shall call it ‘The Story’. Its 3:30 now and I think I don’t know what was I doing till now. I guess I will now sleep. I don’t know maybe I should just watch one episode and sleep or I cant simply read a chapter and sleep. For sure I can’t edit Jane Doe at this time of the day with my eyes flickering like a bad bulb from a scary movie scene.
Got to go. Goodnight World!
Two days i did nothing but sleep. I have been acting like a zombie, awake but sleepy all the time. I would sit and fall asleep, get up shake my head and walk around a little try to distract myself and moments later would find me asleep again. Guess i have been too sleep deprived.
Though im sad about Monday i dont mind much because its a 4 days week with a holiday coming on Wednesday. Man! i love national holidays.
My mind is dead, i mean the thinking cells. Yesterday im sulking, im blue and im crying and today i found myself dancing in my kitchen while making coffee. What’s the deal with me? How crazy im on a scale of 1 to 10?
I cant read the Fountainhead because i dont like the book’s print; the print edition is sort of sad and difficult to read for me. My copy is sad. So now i m reading Silent House and im hoping to finish it before my online order of Sarah’s Keys arrives.
Last night’s Greys Anatomy and Glee episodes were pretty nice. I love them both but then its something you already know.
Its a crazy day because i dont know what’s my mental status. Am i happy? Am i sad? Am i confused? Am i numb? All i know i’m kind of lost somewhere. If only i had power to freeze time, if only i could fix my heart, if only i could become somebody else, if only i could end the parallel world inside me.
Sometimes i sit debating whether to read or watch a movie or episode or go out or workout and an hour later i find myself sitting just where i was wondering what happened? why didn’t i decide what to do? why i didn’t do anything at all? why and how i ended up wasting an hour or two without knowing it? Where am i so lost? Where is my mind?
I better go now, will brush my teeth and read 2-3 pages maybe or just fall asleep again like i have been doing since yesterday.
I want to watch a movie that I have already seen before, any movie would do but I have none because I lost all my movies when my laptop’s drive crashed. So here I am just wishing I had copied them in a pen drive for a day like today.
You know what’s my favorite place? My car. It’s the only place I feel better. Today I didn’t wanted to come home, no I wasn’t thinking of running away, I just wanted to drive around little more. The distance between my work place and my house is like 5 or 8 minutes. Driving was calming me down but I realized I was almost home, so I took a U-turn and decided to take a long cut. I drove back to one of my favorite shops near my office, bought me something to eat and came back home.
When I’m home I’m stressed and worried, when I’m at work I’m lost and bored; my car is the only place right now where I feel safe.
To be honest I have no idea why am on verge of crying, really have no idea or maybe I do. Even a tiny incident with ability to make me sad magnifies when my mind is all sleep deprived. Maybe that’s what it is. My inability to process things correctly because my mind is all sleep deprived.
One more day left before I can throw away my pretenses and sulk in my room.
If only I was just another regular 27 year old girl but I’m not. I’m freaking messed up, immature, crappy 27 year old who likes to dream with her eyes open because the one she sees when asleep only show her the reality of things.
I know what I need. I need to sleep. I need to stop killing my mind.
Before I leave: here is an amazing amazing performance by David Garrett. Man! He is good.
Today I realized something I can’t write or my writer brain doesn’t works during the day or when there are people around.
After missing day 1 and day3 of NaNoWriMo, today I worked on more than 3000 words which aren’t great because as per the flow chart at this rate I will finish my book on 10th December…bloody too slow. Well I can’t even say 3000 was good because I had marked 4000-5000 as my target for today and I failed because I was distracted all day, wasted time here and there. All my output came when the day was almost over. Now so much of writing has made me dizzy and I don’t even know what crap have I written, didn’t even read it again. So tired and numb.
Hopefully I have one more holiday before I report back to Gotham. I can’t keep same target for tomorrow but 3000 like today would be decent. Someday I might post a scene or page from Jane Doe. With Dominique I work scene to scene, sometimes I write the start, sometimes the body or sometimes the end. In fact I worked on major scenes first before I worked on the start of the story. In Jane Doe’s case I started from start but today I also worked on a major scene from the later on part of the story.
I have been using Digital Daggers, soundtrack of Suckerpunch and Adele’s Skyfall for my work along with Greg Laswell. Music helps a lot. But when I’m in my room late at night with everyone else asleep and complete silence, my brain actually works well and fast.
Got to go now, brain fried 😛 …will watch something to relax and then sleep.
Lights: Oh well! i always keep wishing to have powers to turn off myself
Lights: You need to mend your ways
Mobile: I don’t want your sorry
Curtains: What happened? What did I miss?
Lights: Little is trying to kill herself, I feel bad for Body
Fan: Mobile told us how you much you tortured Body today
Me: What? You told them? Complaint much?
Mobile: Hey you didn’t pay the bill, I’m not working properly, I have feelings too, I’m angry
Pile of t-shirts: Little you need an intervention
Lights: I agree
Mobile: O yeah
Me: What? You got to be kidding me
Voices: I can’t believe you let them talk to you like this. But I must admit, I am enjoying it. Carry on guys 🙂
Voices: Hey Bed don’t you have something to say? I know you have it? Its waiting right there inside you. Come on spill it buddy, right time to say.
Me: What? Now what did I do to the Bed?
Bed: I can’t breathe with all the things on me, the laptop, the books, the bag, the dog
Snowy: Grrr…watch it
Bed: Sorry…the water bottles, the t-shirts
Thirsts: Yes we don’t belong on Bed, no hard feelings buddy
Bed: None taken, it’s not you, it’s her
Me: Really? Why today? Am tired
Lights: Because you do not turn me off when you are suppose to
Body: Ahem! Hi Little
Me: Not now Body, I don’t want your “you are awesome” speech
Voices: Yes Body not now and really stop doing that “OOH Little you are sso nicee”…boring and irritating
Body: I just…
Mobile: Can’t you give yourself a break Body?
Lights: Yes Body, Little needs an intervention not a love speech
Voices: Really? You are still talking?
Me: Body what do you want?
Body: Nothing just some rest and care and attention and some more rest. Head, Neck, Eyes and Back had a bad day Little, please consider us a priority. That’s it and you are still Awesome, don’t listen to them.
Bed: Sniff! So touching
Voices: (Rolling Eyes) You got to be kidding me…