Honesty is an absurd policy…!!!!

The fact that I want my birthday to come and go as quickly as a Sunday makes me sad. im a birthday person. I love a birthday, specially when its mine.

I want a miracle for my birthday, I want to stop being sad, lonely, narcissist, self absorbed, childish, immature, depressed and scared. Well it ain’t gonna happen, but that’s the beauty of a birthday you can dream of gifts and presents.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Once upon a time, Little was happy and kind…!!!!

Some days i feel like im the bad guy in everyone’s life. I was once a beautiful person with a kind heart, now only anger, bitterness and darkness lives inside me.

Some days i try to imagine how different my life would have been if i was born like everyone else. Honestly, i dont know if i want to be anyone else. Being different, being me and being a someone with a 24/7 heartache is kind of sad, heavy and sometimes unbearable, but i cant imagine myself as someone else. I don’t mind the darkness and pain but i wish i could just tame down the anger and outburst.

I just want to be me, without any apoligies

Truth is there is no miracle for me, but i cant help imagining a world where I’m free, I’m  happy, I’m 100% me and I’m real.

Hate all those “Be Yourself” posters…!!!!

A part of me can see the future or can predict it but that doesn’t mean im a psychic. I’m just a girl who knows more about life than she shows. Truth is every smile is an effort to walk a little more because deep down i know there is no Dawn.

Some days i just want to talk and talk and talk it all, every single word inside me wants to come out because the pain is tearing  me hurting me. But i just sip another cup of coffee, watch another episode, read few more chapters and then bury my head into endless number of songs.

Genie in the bottle, Santa Claus, blue fairy are all as real as me being a super hero.

Some days i feel angry for being different, for being so complicated and i just hate myself but there are days when i just want to hug myself and tell myself i’m a good person. But how does it matter? How does any of it matter, when there is no miracle or dawn at the end of the tunnel?

Man! i guess its the lack of sleep. I better sleep or i will turn angry Hulk, im already a sad Hulk.

All those posters and sayings of “Be yourself” makes me even more angry.

Goodnight World!

Dyed in blue, can i ever be anything else?

I saw this hindi movie today and there was this scene where the guy tells the girl that she has a Meena Kumari Complex, which means she likes to be sad and sad poems and songs make her happy. (Meena Kumari was an old actress known for her beauty, movies and sadness)

So I wonder if I have Meena Kumari complex and if I like to be sad. I spend so much time being blue that I often wonder if I can ever be happy. Once I had this thought that if one day life does change, a miracle happens and I get my dawn, would I stop being sad? I mean I don’t know how to be anything but unhappy which is crazy, because I have everything that so many people don’t have. But then having it all doesn’t make my pain small, it still hurts. No matter how fun a day goes, at the end I can’t escape the truth that I’m not what people think I’m, that I lie to people who love me, that I am scared.

so much time spent being the tragedy queen, can I ever be something else? I wonder.

Last night, I had one of my weird dreams. I wonder why my dreams are weird. Well it was one of those im-getting-married dreams but for some reason it wasn’t as scary as its normally. Usually when I have one of these dreams I end up super blue and freaked out, but not this time. Ask me why. Well, because some part of my brain decided to make the visuals and theme beautiful. I am married and living with some guy, but the place is gorgeous. We have a huge huge house on a sea facing location. The beach is surrounded with palm trees and those greek acropolis shaped gates and pillars. The place in my dream was breathtakingly beautiful. So awesome that I forgot it was a wedding dream. I think my brain has developed some kind of defense mechanism against my creepy dreams

I wish I could just close my eyes and go back to that place again. Only I know how badly I want to see that place again.

Bad news, my laptop died and needs to go to laptop doctor for repair. Thankgod I have blackberry and a tab. At first when I realised my laptop won’t start I panicked because my stories, Jane Doe and Dominique is there. Fortunately it started for few minutes, I took a quick backup of the documents and now it won’t start. 😦

I wonder how sad I would have been if I had lost my stories. Tomorrow I plan to stay home and write.

Goodnight World!!

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

She waits…!!

I see her, as she waits standing on the other side of road. She is all alone and everyone standing next to her is crossing to the opposite side. She wants them to stay, but her voice is weak and no one is looking at her. She still has few people around her, but she can’t help but feel the need of running to them, begging them to stay. She has a bus to catch, a decision to make, but she can’t make her mind. She can’t get aboard she can’t stay behind alone, what now is all she can think of. Sometimes, as she sits and waits for the bus, she wishes she was anyone but herself. Sometimes she envies everyone that walks by, without even knowing them. She has no luggage and no one to sit and talk with. She gets up and walks a little shifting from one foot to another; she wonders why every face she knows is on the other side of the road. Can’t she just go away from all of this, run away to life beyond this place, a world where there are no decisions, no judgement, no faces scrutinizing her and no eyes hating her? She looks at people left at her side of the road, would they stay if she asks them to. Can she hold them tightly and tell them she needs them? Will that bus take her to a happy place? Can’t she just let it pass and walk away? There is a decision to be taken, but she waits.

From dusk to dawn, she sits there, walks a little and waits. Looking out at the sky she sees time passing by, days turning into night, people eyeing her but she can’t feel anything other than nothing. Even when the sun hurts her eyes, she is in darkness. She doesn’t need rain to wet her cheeks, and needs no winters to feel cold. She needs no money, no luxury and no diamonds, she wants a small house, people who will stick to her side of the road and a light stronger than sun, so strong that can wipe out darkness in every corner.  She needs a miracle, she tells herself as she waits.

She sometimes tries to picture herself on that bus, walking with the decision and living in a world she doesn’t belong to.  Often she wonders why can’t she hug herself and feel better, like she feels when people she loves hold her. Face in her mirror asks her if she is okay, she wish she had an answer but she doesn’t. So she doesn’t look in the mirror, never looks into the eyes of people around and doesn’t even faces a crowd, as she walks with her head down.

The winds gets chilly, the sun gets hotter, rain drops are cold and winters makes her shiver, but she doesn’t move cause there is a bus to take, a decision to make. Every face she knows is walking away to the other side of the road, waiting for her to join. She waits, wait till the last second, she still has some faith left in her pockets. She knows there is no other road to take, but she waits a little more. She waits..!!