Some days you end up standing face to face with truth and you realize no matter how many songs of Dawn, miracles and faith you sing to yourself, you ain’t getting the light you waiting for.
Sometimes a part of me tell me to grow up and accept things and the fact that there is no Dawn.
Have you ever watched a movie in a movie hall without even watching it? Like you are looking at the screen but you arent actually watching it.
Today I went for this sad romantic Hindi movie with my friend. When the movie got over I saw two girls on our right crying with tears flowing…real tears. Then I realised they were not the only one crying. A couple sat hand in hand, girl in tears and many more were busy grieving the death of the hero in the movie who committed suicide leaving the heroine alone to live a better life, for she deserved better.
So when I told my friend (who was watching this movie for the second time) that there wasnt a single scene when I felt like crying she looked around and jokingly called me insensitive. We laughed and walked out.
Truth is I wasnt even there during the movie, my mind was lost. How I wish I could tell my friend that I didnt cry because I have already cried for the day. I cried when I was taking shower to get ready, when I was tying my shoe laces, when I was combing my hair….i cried alot even more than those girls in the cinema hall.
Truth is I wish I could tell them that hero’s suicide didnt make me sad cause I was angry at him for doing so, cause I had a thought like that today.
Im not insensitive am broken and drowning.
Today life hit me with reality again. Truth that miracles, dawn and happy endings are part of a world I dont belong to.
I have to go, but am okay now. Feeling so much better after watching Uptown Girls. I cried again when the movie finished but these were tears of happiness. I love this movie. Love Brittany Murphy in this movie.
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I don’t like weddings, no big secret for people who are really close to me but the very fact that I hate weddings is also the biggest lie of my life. Anyhow, problem being me is that I can’t make myself to be happy for others either, I mean it’s just every time I’m in a situation where someone is getting married I project things in a different way like it’s happening to me and boom…panic attack, anxiety, inability to breathe and uncontrollable urge to be stupid.
You know those people who drink or smoke to get over their stress and anxiety? Yeah! I envy them because I have nothing to get over my panic. I don’t smoke or drink and would never do; even endless cups of coffee, junk food and episode marathon do no good to me. Well at least it’s not doing anything right now.
Apart from my personal reason, I don’t like a wedding environment for one more reason. Relatives and their judging looks, a lot of people I know in my family are really good with comparing things, talking behind the back and family gossips. Super.
Today a friend of mine was kind of upset and taking it out on me, for a minute I lost my cool because I wanted to tell her to stop it. Because I know she is sad and is hurting but at least she can cry about it and take it out on someone, I can’t. I’m sad, I m so blue in a bad way but all I can do is nothing. But then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and realized it’s not her fault that she isn’t asking me why I’m sad, she doesn’t know and will never know.
Next 7-8 days are going to be very difficult because of the family wedding that is happening in my city.
My Brother: Yay! It’s going to be so much fun.
Voices in my head: See him? Yes! That’s how a normal person reacts.
Brother: Everyone is coming
Me: Nodding and smiling just a little
Voices: Yes! Keep nodding. That’s all you know.
Problem is I’m losing every piece of sanity inside me and often find myself being the girl I was once. Oh I hate that. I want to be the grown up I’m suppose to be but I can’t.
Anyhow, I just hope I will survive the next few days of wedding, guests, relatives and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened to me? When did I become this girl? Wasn’t I the kid who used to cry when a family summer holiday used to come to an end and I had to say goodbyes to my cousins? Oh I was such a cry baby when I was little; I hated it when family trip to my cousins during school vacation used to come to its end. Look at me now, I am dreading the family reunion, facing my cousins, the same family members and having a good time.
Because a lot has changed and I’m not that girl anymore who liked making friends; now I’m a 27 year old messed up woman who lies and pretends because the world doesn’t want to hear her story or help her.
I know I know, I sound angry and sad. I’m but I will be okay all I need to do is sleep it off. I have been dying to talk about things but I just am not able to do it.
I don’t want to stop believing in miracles or having a hope but I’m kind of starting to do so!