I miss my Alfred…!!!!!

Today I went to a shop and while I was looking around I saw Pedigree there. I started looking through the different products, the dog bones, the food and the stuff for dental hygiene etc and then for a second I almost said to myself “this dental thing looks good I should get this” and then it struck me, I don’t have a dog. It struck me I keep forgetting my Snowy has gone forever. It broke my already broken heart to million more pieces.

I miss my Snowy so much, some days it gets unbearable. When I see people walking their dogs, I feel like hugging their pets for I miss mine. God! It hurts so much.

Sometimes I dream a dream of him and that’s when it hurts the most because it feels so real and then I end up waking to a hole left by him. He was my life. He was Alfred to my Batman.

Dear Puppy,

I miss you so much that it hurts every single day…!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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Silence or Music…!!!!

Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?

Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.

I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.

You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.

Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.

Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just  me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.

Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.

Little misses her little dog…!!!!

I might get my Dawn but i wont ever have you back in my life…i miss you everyday…I miss you trying to fall all over the laptop to get my attention, i miss your happy and jumpy welcome on entering the house, i miss your stubbornly cute face when you had to have what i was eating…i miss everything…i miss you so so much.

Some days, like right now, your absence hits like a sucker punch. Its sad that i can have everything in life, even the most impossible ones like freedom from blues, happy ending and my dawn but what i cant EVER have is you back in my life, what i cant have is all those years of you and me growing up together all over again.

Im in love with a different music person, everyday…!!!

Today i wanted to do a post on a singer i can’t stop listening. But maybe some other day, because i don’t know when, and how, i wasted all my time. Why it is that during the day time at Gotham is long and never ending, while at night it moves like a Jet Plane.

I’m a night creature by habit, i live when everyone is asleep which is kind of creepy and weird but I’m fine with those adjectives. Right now i feel cold and kind of tired.

Funny thing is when i was thinking of telling you about my favourite singer i realised it’s difficult to choose one. I have more than one favourite music person. It’s like every day i cheat on each one of them by playing another’s music on loop. One day it’s Avril, another day it’s Brandi or Adele or some days it’s a band and some days i only listen to cover singers.

Who is your favourite singer?  Can you take one name?

Like today whole day i was working, living and breathing on Avril’s new album playing in my mp3 player but now i am stuck on Brandi’s music, because i think she is awesome. See, what i mean? Anyhow, i think i better sleep.

I wanted to read, i wanted to write and i wanted to watch some episode but i did nothing because time slipped by and now it’s almost 1 AM.

I miss Snowy. My room is such a lonely place now without him. He was the best roommate ever. Goodnight world!

Happy Birthday Snowy…i miss you!!!!!

Hi Tippy,

Happy Birthday my love. I miss you alot and i wish i could hug you today. Just cant stop thinking of good times we have had together. I still remember the days when you were a little pup and i used to you put you in my cycle’s basket and drive around, as a proud owner of a cute little beautiful puppy.

The day i lost you would never leave me and the day i first met you is still so fresh in my mind. I was so scared to hold you, never had held anything so tiny so pretty so beautiful before.

I still keep your side of the bed empty at night, because i would like to believe you are around. I keep forgetting you have left and every time i walk in from the door, it hits me cause you no longer come running to me saying you missed me.
Truth is im not the only one who misses you, everyone at home thinks about you talks about you.

I cant thankyou enough for coming in my life, for letting me be a part of you, for loving me and letting me have the honour of being your friend.

I love you and miss you…
Happy Birthday Snowy!!!!!!!

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finding it hard to enjoy my favourite place…!!!!

After a long time I have come to terrace of our building. Once my favorite place, this area is now hurting me forcing me to go downstairs.

Its reminding me of Snowy. He liked being here and I enjoyed clicking his pictures as we both sat here looking at the sky.

From here I can the hills, the temple and the hospital where I was. The green view is all clear and worth spending time here. But its a sad place too because it triggers memories. Snowy, college days and the early year of shifting to this house.

Th best time to come here is when it has rained. The view is mindblowing, the clouds, hills and the trees. Although you can also see concrete jungle and a domino of buildings around but when you look up and see ahead, you forget where you are standing.

If only I had Snowy with me right now. I miss you baby, miss you so much.

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I will never forget you my love…never!!!!

I have been blue for so long, have had worst nightmare, bad thoughts, and self-destructive ideas but never in my life I felt a pain like today. Usually when I’m sad it’s a physical pain that hurts somewhere inside me, I feel heavy and sad which gets better once I cry it out. This pain is not physical, not heavy and nothing that I can forget over a good cup of coffee, a nice movie and a happy day. Its emptiness. I feel empty and I can’t fill it. A part of me died today when my Snowy died.

People think I’m sad, but it’s not sadness it’s like living in absence of something. Since morning my room, my bed, my house and my life feels weird. Like something is missing and I can’t find it anymore. But I have to. I need to. But I can’t.

I don’t want to be like this, I don’t people to know I’m sad because it would hurt me if someone said “its okay, he was a dog”. It would. But I can’t stop grieving.

I couldn’t sleep last night because he was restless, in pain and ill. Ever since he got sick I tried to tell myself that one day we might have to put him down for his good; to save him from pain. I never thought I would see him die. I did. He stopped breathing right in front of me. I cannot get this morning out of my mind. His face, when he died, won’t leave my eyes.  I have never seen anyone die before, I have never cried on anyone’s death before. When i called his name and tried to check his pulse, i heard heavy heart thumping noise coming from inside me. I felt my heartbeat, i heard it loud.

I don’t want anyone to tell me to stop being sad because he was a dog, he was ill and its ok now. I don’t want to tell myself “cry now all you want don’t do it tomorrow or people will think you are being dramatic”. I want to cry because I’m sad, I’m broken and I miss him.

Even now I keep forgetting he is not here and I try to look at the corner of my bed wanting to check if he is sleeping okay. Lights went out and I almost said “people don’t step on Snowy”, I didn’t.

 

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I hope, I just hope, he knew how much I loved him. I am so thankful to him for coming into my life.