I have been blue for so long, have had worst nightmare, bad thoughts, and self-destructive ideas but never in my life I felt a pain like today. Usually when I’m sad it’s a physical pain that hurts somewhere inside me, I feel heavy and sad which gets better once I cry it out. This pain is not physical, not heavy and nothing that I can forget over a good cup of coffee, a nice movie and a happy day. Its emptiness. I feel empty and I can’t fill it. A part of me died today when my Snowy died.
People think I’m sad, but it’s not sadness it’s like living in absence of something. Since morning my room, my bed, my house and my life feels weird. Like something is missing and I can’t find it anymore. But I have to. I need to. But I can’t.
I don’t want to be like this, I don’t people to know I’m sad because it would hurt me if someone said “its okay, he was a dog”. It would. But I can’t stop grieving.
I couldn’t sleep last night because he was restless, in pain and ill. Ever since he got sick I tried to tell myself that one day we might have to put him down for his good; to save him from pain. I never thought I would see him die. I did. He stopped breathing right in front of me. I cannot get this morning out of my mind. His face, when he died, won’t leave my eyes. I have never seen anyone die before, I have never cried on anyone’s death before. When i called his name and tried to check his pulse, i heard heavy heart thumping noise coming from inside me. I felt my heartbeat, i heard it loud.
I don’t want anyone to tell me to stop being sad because he was a dog, he was ill and its ok now. I don’t want to tell myself “cry now all you want don’t do it tomorrow or people will think you are being dramatic”. I want to cry because I’m sad, I’m broken and I miss him.
Even now I keep forgetting he is not here and I try to look at the corner of my bed wanting to check if he is sleeping okay. Lights went out and I almost said “people don’t step on Snowy”, I didn’t.
I hope, I just hope, he knew how much I loved him. I am so thankful to him for coming into my life.