What do you call a superhero fighting bad guys with a white cape? Moron-Man!!!

A part of me has accepted that there is no light at the end of the tunnel which is why I act the way I do. Few days ago, we had one of our annual Chess tournaments at Gotham and I struggled at my first match finally losing badly in the second one. I kept telling myself its because I haven’t played for a long time.

Truth is I don’t believe in myself anymore. Honestly, I’m good I’m so good that I would make the opponent I lost to walk away within 5-10 minutes, top. But the thing is I kept telling myself, I won’t be able to make it, its okay I haven’t played for months now, I’m rusty, I didn’t get chance to practise etc etc etc. I gave myself all BS I could give to not feel bad about losing even before the game started.

So, instead of being ‘Bring it on’ I was like ‘Just don’t lose badly’.

Why it matters? It does. I kind of take Chess very seriously, specially this tournament. It breaks my heart even when I lose in semis or finals which are usually my spots, but losing in the staring of it against a guy who says ‘I have been looking forward to play against you’ because he thinks I’m a legend…Dude, I know how many times I died inside me that night.

I promised myself I would proofread my story, send it to a publisher, but I didn’t. I played the worst chess match of my life and I was totally prepared for it.

Why? Because I don’t believe in me anymore.

The story needs proof reading; I’m kind of all busy and exhausted lately.

I am rusty; don’t even remember when was the last time I played Chess.

EXCUSES excuses EXCUSES…

It’s like world is closing on me and I can’t even find energy to get up and get out of the mess. Truth is I’m not sad right now, don’t even know why the post. Guess, I just needed to talk about it to make myself accept it.

I don’t believe in me anymore.

Dear Voices,

Seriously, be mean, be rude, be insulting, be anything. Don’t go silent on me please.

If I was Katniss Everdeen, trust me with this attitude I would have been the first to drop dead. You don’t fight with a white flag tucked in your pocket and somebody needs to remind me that. Tris Prior didn’t  survive part 1 by saying ‘Oh! I’m a Divergent and I don’t I know what to do. It’s okay If the Erudite finds me and kills me.’

You do know what Captain Karen Emma Walden said in Courage Under Fire…NO SURRENDER.

Even Peter Parker stopped being Spiderman when he stopped believing in himself. Remember the big fall from the web rope thing with that ring? The thud was bad. I kind felt the that thud in that Chess match.

Little

I want to dedicate this song to the faithlessness crawling all over my mind and body…

 

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Have you seen my awesomeness? Can’t find it…

So i had a bad Sunday with some really weird kind of Nervous breakdown or whatever it was. Was bad, really bad and i cant even tell you what all went inside my head. But im all okay now. Okay but pissed because yesterday some moron banged his scooter right in my car. Some really crazy girls were trying to cross the road without looking at the traffic, so i had to press BRAKE for them but the scooter guy doesn’t get to do the same and BANG.

My poor car has had some really bad time in past 2 years, poor car i must say.

Today i really missed my diaries, so much that at one point i almost made my up mind about buying a brand new diary and pen to start writing. But then i realised i shouldn’t. A part of me is tempting me to go back to writing diaries but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to go back to old habits.

Good thing i have been sleeping early and playing every day for past 2-3 days. But whoever said that a good 8 hours sleep and exercise is good for depression didn’t knew me or was never depressed. You know i always believed that my blues were the reason i wrote stories but i guess i was wrong because i cant write anymore. Weird i cant even read.

and 124...phew...i still feel bad...

and 124…phew…i still feel bad…

Lately, everyone is discussing the politics around because of the whole election season but i kind of have no opinion. Its like i dont care about anything.

I think i have lost my mojo. I cant feel my awesomeness or anything even remotely close to it plus i dont even feel like dancing on my bed with loud music. Man! that’s the worst.

Tied with invisible rope…wish i could stand up…!!!!

Today I feel sad and ashamed at being the person I have to pretend to survive among people with closed minds. There is nothing worse than being a part of a conversation you don’t support, but can’t let others knows…so you smile, nod and pretend to understand.

This woman in my office comes to me with a gossip and cracks joke about a topic am not comfortable talking about, but there is nothing I can do so I pretend to blend in. Whereas, all I wanted to do was tell her to get a life. I wanted her to stop being a freakin loser and stop meddling with what others do.

This has happened a lot, so many times now and today only made me realise the truth behind the world I live in. Its like im in a war only i cant fight to defend my honor. I know she was making fun of someone else but she didnt know how much it was all coming back to  me. I’m angry but its okay, I m used to it.

To make my day worst I get a huge, like huge, bill from my mobile company and the nice lovely people have charged me for my internet usage despite my asking them for an internet usage saving pack. My bill says I had no pack activated so everything I did on my phone was costing me. Man I could have done decent shopping in that money but now I have to pay them. I plan to visit them tomorrow and talk them, I know it won’t help but at least I can take out my anger. Well, to be honest I am taking my friend as I can hardly scream on anyone. Oh! how I wish I could.

I have to go to my book because I’m sad, angry, ashamed and so blue. Why can’t we have a world with no hatred, no judgements, no mocking, no discrimination and no MORONS?

Goodnight World!

P.S I have been given two blog award nominations. Will thank you my friend tazeinmirzasaad soon. Thankyou.

Im dating music…!!!!

Last night I slept at 5am and I don’t even know if I should say ‘last night’ because it was almost morning. I feel better, I should be feeling groggy but I feel good because I’m doing things that I like, Im keeping my mind busy thus no thinking.

Good thing, I worked on Jane Doe today and after I post I’m going back to the story. I have plans tomorrow but something is asking me to stay home and write. I don’t know if you know but I like ABBA, so today I’m listening to ABBA and Brandi Carlile. O how I wish I could just stay home like this every day, listen to music and write. No work, no Gotham.

Funny thing happened, my brother told me he might have had a breakup and I was like what happened. He said his girlfriend was angry that he doesn’t give her time and he was like ‘do girls really break up for that? I was just busy’. I was laughing because he was asking me. My friend calls me when she needs relationship advice and my brother discussing his break up (by the way there was no breakup, the girl was just angry and he thought they broke up)…strangely people find me on their radar when looking for advice. How? When did they see me in a relationship, leave alone a happy one. It was funny when I told him “yes brother, girls do get angry if you do not give them time”.

That’s why I think I can be great at relationships if I want to have one. Right now, I’m just involved with my stories, my music, my fiction and my issues.  That’s the closet to having a relationship I’m right now.

That's not me but the T-shirt speaks my mind

That’s not me but the T-shirt speaks my mind

Darren you are hot, but i like your music more...

Darren you are hot, but i like your music more…

 

I know I have Dominique and Jane Doe to complete but my mind is already thinking about another story concept. Just an idea that came to me yesterday but all I do is think and let it sit aside. I have to finish Jane Doe because I want to show it to my friends. Dominique is my personal project and won’t leave my eye sight so I can work on it at a slow pace too. Dominique is only for my eyes.

Today and tomorrow I will complete a major part of Jane Doe. I hope I end up wrapping it up soon and proudly show it to people around me.

From tomorrow I also plan to start with the workout thing, because I need to. My mind went all dark and twisty last week scaring me. I think I’m awesome but I also know I have tendency of being a moron.