Last two days were beautiful and I’m glad I fought the fear of being around people. Gotham city and its people went for a trip and Batman was invited too. Yep! We had an office trekking trip and I after spending days singing ‘To go or not to go’ finally said yes and went.
Have black and blue marks over my arms, got stung by thorns while trekking and slipping hundred times and have a twisted ankle that hurts bad…but it was all worth cause I had an amazing time. I walked out of my comfort zone, went trekking with people I usually say Hi and nothing more, stayed in tents, went hiking and trekking and was away from my mp3 player, my novel, my coffee and my internet for two whole days.
I missed two things, a friend because I wish she could see the place and I missed my music. Yes I miss music even when I’m having time of my life. But truth is I want to do more of such stuff, escape the crazy world and drive down to mountains and live at a remote but highly beautiful place where all you can hear is sound of wind and your own heart beat.
Even as I sit with a bandage on my foot, I can’t stop wondering when I would get a break like this again.
During the trek there came a moment when everyone went ahead and I stood listening to the sound of wind all alone. We were on a mountain and the wind was blowing crazy, so I stood while everyone kept walking. It was beautiful, scary but beautiful and for a second I wished I could just sit down there let everyone go back and leave me. I wanted to stay back there forever. Because despite the fact that I almost got lost on top of a mountain surrounded by trees, and nothing but trees, and super strong wind that sounded like waterfall, I felt so safe.
I was so far away from things I fear. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t.
I don’t miss the fun or the place, I miss that one moment when i felt the wind through me and all i could think about was the fact that I felt no fear. I miss being not afraid.
Some people are like cover songs…beautiful in their own way!!!!
After a long time I have come to terrace of our building. Once my favorite place, this area is now hurting me forcing me to go downstairs.
Its reminding me of Snowy. He liked being here and I enjoyed clicking his pictures as we both sat here looking at the sky.
From here I can the hills, the temple and the hospital where I was. The green view is all clear and worth spending time here. But its a sad place too because it triggers memories. Snowy, college days and the early year of shifting to this house.
Th best time to come here is when it has rained. The view is mindblowing, the clouds, hills and the trees. Although you can also see concrete jungle and a domino of buildings around but when you look up and see ahead, you forget where you are standing.
If only I had Snowy with me right now. I miss you baby, miss you so much.
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.
So strange thing happened today and just like any other day I told myself “you are beyond repair, you are that twisted”. I fail to understand myself sometimes.
For past 3-4 days I have been blue, so blue and dark that not only I almost became the crazy “Me” I was once, but I also lost all my focus at work. I mean I lost my focus at home, at work and was even ignoring people I hang out with, all this while counting second, minutes and hours to Friday evening so I can I come home and become the piece of despair with no more obligation to pretend. I mean I don’t know what happened but i do know it frkn scared me.
You know I’m a fan of myself, I think I’m an amazing person and when I snap and break like this I get scared and worried because it can make me walk to my crazy days.
Voices: Stop with the history dude
See, this is what I meant …I’m losing focus easily. Okay! So after having an episode of serious blues I for some unknown reason woke up to a very energetic and lively mood. I woke up with good mood – Strange, I was driving with happy song playing in my car – strange, I was cheerful all day long – strange, I was a rock star at work – strange, I did not look at watch and said “What’s the time? Why is the time not moving?” – Strange strange strange.
One word to describe the day STRANGE.
I won’t say I was happy, I won’t say I fixed the snap, but yes I was certainly in control of myself unlike last few says when I couldn’t even pretend to be in control. I clearly remember when I was standing with two Project Managers and this happened. True Story!
PM 1 – Okay so we need banners for Facebook page
PM2– I will give you the size
Me – Nodding and nodding
PM1 – Blah blah blah
PM2 – Blah blah blah
Me – why are they saying Blah blah blah?
Voices – Dude! You are going cuckoo
Me – Look there is a bird outside drinking water from AC duct
Voices – you need help
Me – look it’s a pigeon. I thought it’s a crow.
PM1 – So this is how the concept would go. Can you get them done?
PM2– I have sent you the link
Me (Nodding left and right) – Yes sure absolutely
PM1 – Blah blah blah
PM2 – Blah blah blah
Me – what’s the time? One, more hour to go. Man I have never been to so happy about a dentist appointment. Hey! look the bird is still there. Wonder how thirsty is she or he?
Voices (Rolling Eyes) – Dude!
Believe me this happened, I was actually busy looking at the pigeon while managing to nod at the right time. I have tendency of walking in and out of a conversation, done before too.
Waking up cheerful and going back home with “Club Can’t Handle me” at loud volume made me wonder what triggered the mood? I mean I still feel the dagger inside and I still think I’m doomed. I think it’s because
A- It was Friday
B- My poor body is sick of being tired
C- Can’t cry no more
D- Talking to my friend helped
Right now I feel safe, scared, yet safe. I don’t know what’s really sad, being sad all the time or smiling while pretending to love myself over everything else? Even at the end of a day like this when I’m cheerful I live with a heartache.
Okay, so I have got Greys anatomy for tonight along with the Partners and few other shows but I miss Glee and I don’t know why it won’t come. Irony of life, I hate Mondays yet I wait for one because of the season comeback of Pretty Little Liars. You never learn how to use the word till life makes you feel it right there where it hurts. Dammit!
Got to go now, have few episodes waiting for me along with a page or two of Dominique. It’s party time people, me and weekend. Fun starts now. Tomorrow I plan to work on Dominique and a story chart of NaNoWriMo. I still don’t know how I will manage to write 1600 plus words every day. No clue!
Walking alone again
With the same pain
She looks around
There is no one to be found
She walks again
Drenching in the rain
Because she can’t smile
She cant pretend for a while
So she walks again
Away from the world of sane
Trembling and shivering
She don’t know why is she crying
What happened to her?
The wind asks
She has no answer
So she walks again
Tied with a chain
Of words she can’t say
Every night every day
There is something hollow
Something that stays
Darkness or sunny days…!!!!
Everyone who knows me, knows I’m a rain person. things I love to do when it rains includes making a cup of frothy coffee and stand in my balcony, to enjoy the hills (you can see them from my balcony and terrace), the trees and kids playing in rain.
Today I saw a father walking with his tiny little kid in rain. Another father playing in rain with his daughter and her friends. I think they were making paper boats. I saw children cycling and a boy filling his tiny bucket with water to throw the water on his friends, all this while I was out on the terrace getting all soaked up.
Finally, I came inside took a shower, made a cup of coffee and sat in the balcony reading Harry Potter. It is still raining and it makes me happy.
People who know what indian summer feels like, also know what monsoon feels like. Perfect break from the scorching heat and humidity.
I wish I could upload a picture but since I’m blogging through my phone its not easy.
Even as I try to hide
I can’t help but abide
By the pull you have on me
There are no strings i see
Yet I can’t move a step
Every gush of wind is whisper,
A word you say
Calling my name
Asking me to do the same
After every day every fight
I walk to you
Like a twilight
I’m stuck in your shadow
There is a wait that grows
Can’t see you
Yet feel you
Standing next to me
Softly telling me
To not walk away
To believe to stay
Where are you?
I ask you
Like a fog you come & go
One day you will stand
Staring right at me
With hand in hand
We will be
Till then I struggle
Betting every cent & nickel
You are out there
Like a cosmic star
So near so far
Till then I fight darkness
Open every jar labelled happiness
To search for you
Find my way to you
There is a quest
I won’t stop even in dust
And storm of doubts
Every heart beat shouts
Where are you?
Like a cosmic star
So near so far…..!!!!
Today i paid visit to an old friend, a friend i forgot, ignored and left alone because i was too busy. Today i said hello to “Dear Dairy” and scribbled random thoughts of my mind, nothing major but i wrote. I don’t know why i was writing in a diary again, because i remember how i had decided to never write again because i was too busy, which of course was a lie, but wasn’t i clear about not writing again. I guess, you can’t really stay away from things you have been living with all your life.
Truth is i needed to talk things without being heard, i needed to share things without being worried about the replies and i needed to go back to one place i find no judgement.
So, I’m almost done with my packing washed my clothes today and my sneakers too. My mom left early and now i can’t help but look at a lonely sad puppy who is staring continuously at the door hoping mum will be back any moment, sometimes he looks back at me and i feel bad. Snowy is one hell of a mommy boy, because he can’t sit peacefully when my mother is not around. On Tuesday we will leave him in the dog kennel for next 7-8 days and it kind of worries me, because he will not eat, he will get sad and he will get sick. Two reasons I’m not very excited about the trip, am worried about my cute little but old dog and also happiness scares the shit out of me.
Well, weekend is over and just two more days of office before i start my vacation. Am i happy? Don’t really know, but yes i do know few days out and away from Gotham city can be good. Not really thinking about fun and holiday.
Its midnight, my bed is a mess and it’s raining outside. I will say goodnight now, because i really got to sleep on time else i will be a misery tomorrow which of course is nothing new but hey it is important to keep up the appearances.
And I look for you
Everywhere in darkness and blue
In every face I try to see you
Maybe a one or two
You can help me
You can stop
the tears that wont let me see
But I find you nowhere
In my world you are extinct
Like a bird so rare
So nice so good
Like you should
But I don’t have you
Never wanted you
So much so hard
For once just come to me
My emotions are wild waves in sea
I envy people who have you
Who don’t have to search for you
If only you came in a small box
Would fill you in pockets and socks
If you came in bottle
Would drink and not tell
But you are not here
I beg for you some nights
You are not to be found
Not in my sight
So I pretend I have you
I pretend I don’t need you
I say I have too much pride
I try to smile and hide
How much I need
How much I greed
Where can I find you?
Is there is a place I can buy you?
Maybe I can walk up to
the store and say
Can I have a box of hug to take away”…!!!