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Have you ever had a day where you don’t feel anything? You are not happy, but you are not sad either. No anger or fear or anxiety. Nothing. You end up wishing for some kind of emotions, anything would do heck even tears would be great but there aren’t any cause you ain’t sad. No sadness.
The only fraction of emotion that you feel is doubt. You wonder and doubt whether you’re even alive. Because you are that numb.
So you try to read but you’re not interested, you try to write a story but for that you need emotions but there aren’t any, you open your laptop to watch a movie but you don’t feel like.
Not only do you not feel any emotion, you don’t even feel like doing things that you love.
Have you ever had a day where voices in your head are locked somewhere, you do occasionally hear a muffled scream begging you to do something but you cant make out the words and have no interest in even trying?
No emotion is the worst kind of emotion
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I did. I did. I got inked.
For past few weeks, I have been working towards this day. Convincing the family, convincing myself. So, finally it was time. Since Monday I was nervous, freaking out and kind of (SUPER) scared about today. But, I woke up with this thought that if I can walk into a tattoo parlor all by myself and get it over with, I could practically do anything else.
So, I did it. I drove to the Tattoo parlor, sat there and got what I always wanted…musical notes inked on my wrist. That’s another check on the bucket list.
While, I spent last few days breathing heavy and hard shifting from left to right with the anxiety I feel numb right now. Yes, I’m happy. No doubt. I finally have a story now, not that I don’t cause God knows I have a story but now I have a crazy and fun story. Like, guess what I did before I turned 30 kind of story. So yes, I’m happy and thrilled to have followed my heart. But, I don’t know why I’m not jumping. I should be, shouldn’t I?
It’s just that it didn’t feel any different. Not that getting a tattoo could ease the hurt but I thought it would feel different.
Though, I do feel proud of me. It feels like taking control of my life even if it’s for one day. Dude, a tattoo is no joke but I did it even when I had no one to sit there with me with a camera aimed at my am-cool-am-cool-oh-god-am-going-to-die face.
I’m so effin proud of facing my fears and fighting for what I wanted for so long. Truth is, I might not feel different about things in my head but I do feel brave. Cause I just got a Tat… and rumors are true.
Remember that day you sat there on your bed inking a tattoo on your wrist with a pen, because no way on earth could you ever get one for real.
So, don’t give up on dawn. Not yet.
Some days i feel nothing, nothing at all no pain, no anger, no happiness, nothing. I don’t even feel the fear anymore.
Do you ever worry for your parents, like they are so fragile and they aren’t invincible? Past one week made me kind of realize how i’ve grown up being taken care by my parents and ended up thinking they are made of titanium, but they are just as much breakable as me.
I dont know how i managed to survive till Friday, but i have made it and here im sitting alone in my room breathing in the relief of a weekend. I am exhausted physically and mentally, so badly. I just need to stay in bed for a day and not do anything, don’t even want to get up to make myself a cup of coffee but then i would die of caffeine deprivation. So i wont perform that stunt. Coffee is must for me, its my dope just like music.
Have you ever felt the need to cry even though you aren’t feeling like crying but you need to? Im heavy inside, so heavy that i cant think. It’s all so clouded, numb and cluttered inside. Thoughts inside my head are pushing the each other and suffocating one another. I need to clear the damn head, i need to feel and cry and let it go. Weird? well weird for one reason because i dont feel like crying. Voices are laughing at me, i know that. Damn!
I think emotionally it has been an overwhelming week.
I have to go. Happy Weekend to all.
Just one more day at Gotham. You can do it. Just one more and you will have a weekend. Please hang on, don’t give up and remember even when looking like sh* you look awesome. One more day, keep that face up, nod, pretend, stare at the screen and keep the coffee intake up, you will make it. I promise.
There is a background score for every situation or emotion except confusion…
3:45 Am im watching some episode and my tube-light goes off on off on..at first i wonder if i should worry after all i just saw “The Conjuring”, then i realized i rather make myself instant noodles and watch another episode for i don’t care…im that messed up.
It was a very busy and tiring day, as i was out with Dexter (how i call my brother) shopping for his birthday gift. Its his birthday tomorrow, so we went out shopping, then i dropped him home and went to play Scrabble with my friends. No one was in a mood to play yet we played for an hour before my friend decided to declare the game. BTW i was winning. Came home finished Season2 of Suits, had my dinner then we all wished Dexter at 12 and gave him his surprise gift. After spending some time on phone with my friend about tomorrow’s movie plan and scrabble schedule, i debated whether to watch a movie or episodes. I ended up watching pilot episode of “The Killing”. Heavy hardcore and heavy. Almost made me cry. The show left me curious and i want to watch more now.
That’s how my day went which also clearly says i did no writing. I dont think i will do tomorrow either.
We all get a day when something changes for us or we realize something. I have one too, a day of revelation and discovery about something that i knew for quite long but couldn’t really put a finger on.
How i would love to just stay home tomorrow all day and drown in self pity but i have a busy day. Im going to play Scrabble with friends who wont know im all blue inside and then i will watch “We are the Millers”. Jeniffer Aniston will always be Rachael Greene for me.
Its almost morning now, so i better go and get some sleep.
Its been a heavy day today. I dont know if this this is good or bad, surely bad in a way but maybe good too. Dont know. I need to sleep today, my mind is blank. Like completely blank, have no emotions or feelings.