Just wanted to talk…

Yes, Avril Lavigne has gone from awesome punk rocker to a pop diva i can’t relate to, but i found a good song from her current album. BTW, if you are someone who fell in love with Avril from Complicated and Nobody’s Home then never ever ever listen to Hello Kitty, cause it would hurt you bad.

I still love her because i grew up with some legendary Avril Lavigne songs…

Anyhow, before i leave you with the song I wanted to talk. Nothing specific, just random. Today, i was sitting in a meeting and some days when i’m a part of such meetings with the big guns, being the only woman in the group, i feel proud of myself. Because lets face it i’m not very good with things, i have worst management skills, i don’t like my work, i have personal struggles 24/7, i dont even have the leadership qualities one need to be a Team Leader and i have these friends called Panic Attack, Anxiety, Depression and Anger. But some days i feel like patting my back because only i know how broken i’m to be sitting around people discussing work and team distribution and management of resources etc etc etc.

Truth is i was taught well my mentor, but its kind of amazing how i’m walking straight on the rope even with the panic button stick to  my skin.

Maybe, i was born to be this…this girl who would be fighting secretly with unseen forces for the rest of her life like a SuperHero, while seeming pretty normal, childish and spoiled to people in her life. Bruce Wayne/Batman or Oliver/Arrow? Don’t know.

But, today i felt proud of me. I know there is no reason i’m the black sheep but i felt like giving myself a pat.

Happy Weekend…

Goodnight world!

Dear Universe, I want an iPod so kindly break my mp3player, not my phone…

So funny story, after banging my car, dropping mug filled with hot coffee on my laptop i today broke my Nokia 520… Up top?

I guess, im a sad girl with funny stories.

Here i was dreaming of buying me an iPod. For some reason when i dropped my precious little phone and broke the screen, i did not even panic which i usually do. No big NO NO NO NO or OMG OMG OMG. I was like ‘Oh okay’.

I just am the clumsiest girl on the planet. I accept it. I do.

Anger is one friend i cant get rid of…!!!!

I don’t like weddings, no big secret for people who are really close to me but the very fact that I hate weddings is also the biggest lie of my life. Anyhow, problem being me is that I can’t make myself to be happy for others either, I mean it’s just every time I’m in a situation where someone is getting married I project things in a different way like it’s happening to me and boom…panic attack, anxiety, inability to breathe and uncontrollable urge to be stupid.

You know those people who drink or smoke to get over their stress and anxiety? Yeah! I envy them because I have nothing to get over my panic. I don’t smoke or drink and would never do; even endless cups of coffee, junk food and episode marathon do no good to me. Well at least it’s not doing anything right now.

Apart from my personal reason, I don’t like a wedding environment for one more reason. Relatives and their judging looks, a lot of people I know in my family are really good with comparing things, talking behind the back and family gossips. Super.

Today a friend of mine was kind of upset and taking it out on me, for a minute I lost my cool because I wanted to tell her to stop it. Because I know she is sad and is hurting but at least she can cry about it and take it out on someone, I can’t. I’m sad, I m so blue in a bad way but all I can do is nothing. But then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and realized it’s not her fault that she isn’t asking me why I’m sad, she doesn’t know and will never know.

Next 7-8 days are going to be very difficult because of the family wedding that is happening in my city.

My Brother: Yay! It’s going to be so much fun.

Me: Nodding

Voices in my head: See him? Yes! That’s how a normal person reacts.

Brother: Everyone is coming

Me: Nodding and smiling just a little

Voices: Yes! Keep nodding. That’s all you know.

Problem is I’m losing every piece of sanity inside me and often find myself being the girl I was once. Oh I hate that. I want to be the grown up I’m suppose to be but I can’t.

Anyhow, I just hope I will survive the next few days of wedding, guests, relatives and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened to me? When did I become this girl? Wasn’t I the kid who used to cry when a family summer holiday used to come to an end and I had to say goodbyes to my cousins? Oh I was such a cry baby when I was little; I hated it when family trip to my cousins during school vacation used to come to its end. Look at me now, I am dreading the family reunion, facing my cousins, the same family members and having a good time.

Because a lot has changed and I’m not that girl anymore who liked making friends; now I’m a 27 year old messed up woman who lies and pretends because the world doesn’t want to hear her story or help her.

I know I know, I sound angry and sad. I’m but I will be okay all I need to do is sleep it off. I have been dying to talk about things but I just am not able to do it.

I don’t want to stop believing in miracles or having a hope but I’m kind of starting to do so!

My shrink has advised a song every hour, for next few years…!!!!

Right now, I wish to type everything that is inside me, even the deepest darkest corner of me but then that would be crazy and the end of my social existence. I don’t really care about people, wasn’t born that way but I do care about people in my life.

Sometimes I try to tell myself maybe it’s all going to end up fine, maybe everything that will happen will only put pieces in their right places and I will find the dawn. Maybe is a big word but I can’t trust it, so I don’t live in the whole aura of maybe. I can’t.

It’s snowing in the northern part of my country and I wish I could just take a break, pack my bag and go there. Only problem, it’s me and I can’t do that. Then again I do have a vacation plan I just need universe to not screw it. yesterday after a long long time I wrote few pages on one of my pocket diary that I keep in my bag for “breakdown” days when I end up going bluer than blue. So I wrote and it felt good.

I’m supposed to sleep now and I will do just that.

Today in the evening when I came home I accidentally placed my phone on a wet surface; there was some water on the table. I cleaned it and then I forgot. Few minutes later I was walking snowy when I realised my phone is off.  My phone usually doesn’t switch off even on low battery and as far I remember it had some battery I think. I tried to restart it but I won’t start, I panicked. Usually the first thought people have about their dead phone is how to receive or make calls, my first thought was “fck no don’t die how will I go to office without music and headphones”. True story. I panicked that with no phone I will have no access to my music and there are still 2 more days to go before weekend.

I really need an iPod or something because while my phone is fine and alive it might someday actually die and leave me with no music. I will die if I have to go through my day without my headphones. I need music to turn off the whole cocktail of emotions inside me or in some cases to start flow of emotions.

Good news my mother is coming back tomorrow.

So its 130 and i need coffee, actually i need to sleep coffee is something i want to cheer me up. I wish i had icecream in the fridge but there is none. Okay i really need to go, i have Gotham and two more days. I am so looking forward to the weekend so i can sleep for 9-10 hours like crazy.

Have to work on Jane Doe too on the weekend. I miss the thrill of November but it’s okay December is my favourite month too.

Goodnight world!

My boss has a weird sense of humour…!!!!

My laptop is inaccessible and I left charger of my tablet at my friend’s place, so trying to blog from my lovely phone.
I have been spending a lot of time with blogs. I work on office blog at day and then I come home to my own.

Today was a strange day, I was welcomed with a series of mails from my boss. I freaked out and I knew I’m in for a lecture because of all the issues mentioned in the mail. My boss is nice but (in office) he doesn’t smile much, doesn’t laugh much and his mails are always formal and serious. So I panicked, I tried to think, I asked my team to immediately start fixing the issues and meanwhile I tried to think of strategy to make sure everything is done.

So I briefed everyone and got back to my seat trying to work on things I can, that’s when I see that my boss is in office early. Okay Little don’t panic I tell myself.

This is what happened:

Am working and he comes to my seat.

Me: hello sir
He: hi (in a very nice and sweet tone)
Me: silent
He: there are few things (smiling probably he saw my am-dead look)
Me: yes sir
He: will join you n team in a minute (and smiling again)
Me: silent n confused

I think I failed to listen what he said next because I couldn’t help, but notice his good mood and extra long smiles.

I wanted to say – seriously dude not funny. All those serious mails and now you are smiling. Really? Not funny.

Though I found his change in mood weird and confusing, am glad he was cheerful. Phew! Sometimes life just tries to freak you out to have some fun, it was one of those days.

It was also one of the busiest and most tiring Monday. I couldn’t even manage five minutes to take a walk to downstairs and get me a frappe. I was also getting bugged with my bangs that have grown long and now I can’t see. Saturday is marked for haircut, no matter what.
I think I will make me coffee now, read Harry and then sleep early since I can’t check other blogs.

No more Monday till next week…!!!! 🙂

Song for today – Blue eyes by Mika. Its an awesome nice!!!!