History can repeat itself, but not tomorrow…!!!!

I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.

I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me.  Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.

This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.

I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.

There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.

So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.

Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.

Goodnight world!

P.S leaving you with pictures of the day

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Voices love me…YAY…Shh…yay…!!!!

Yesterday something inside me started sinking and it sank beyond my control. i was blue, dark and bad. I needed help, hug and fixing.

So as i kept on working today while trying to shoo off the blues from creeping in, as i had busy day, i heard voices. Like for real. A part of me was giving  me pep talk. Trying to talk me out of all the crazy thoughts and how to fix me. Creepy but true, i was working while mentally talking to myself, motivating me, showing me silver lining of things etc etc.

Well, either im truly crazy or bloody hell of a multi-tasker.

 

Some traditions are born out of necessity …!!!!

Friday morning I wake up with something inside me telling me “Hey there, just 9 hours and you can do it…just 9 hours”. I wear a smile to shift focus from my sleepy and tired eyes, walk around like the hot-shot team lead, throw orders and come back to my seat check for mails and when everything is okay, I put on my headphones and whisper to myself “Just 9 hours, you can do it”.

Thanks to my new tradition of Friday night episode marathon, I now walk through the whole week saying the same to me “Just 5 more days, you can do it”. Here is the thing, I don’t think I can survive if I don’t write Jane Doe, Dominique or anything else, if I don’t carry my headphones around, if i don’t watch episodes with fictional characters, stories and emotions, if I don’t pamper myself with unhealthy junk and give a secret self pep talk in my head.

Yes, I’m that girl who wants to make it but has to do it little differently. This song “Just give me a reason” is stuck on my mind.

Right now I’m at peace. I would like to say goodnight and go back to my episodes. Tomorrow I work on Jane Doe and on Sunday I get my much needed haircut.

Goodnight world!

P.S i think i have uploaded this one before but i like this one.