Dear Me-5-Years-From-Now,

Dear Me-5-Years-From-Now,

I don’t know if you and I are the same, because I’m definitely not what I was 5 years from today but I do hope you are somewhat close to being happy. Funny thing is I was never happy, not even when I think I was. I guess this is where we sing our anthem Born This Way. I, also, do hope you are still hooked to the headphones because if you are I know you are safe and you’ll make it through whatever there is 5 years from now.

It would be crazy if you are anything like what I’m today because it would mean my level of anxieties, fear and blues are just the same. No scope of decline. Please tell me, 5 years from now you have finally found a way to get up early in the morning, because I’m sure I would be a late night person even years from now. And I also hope, so hope, that you managed to travel. Please tell me, you are or were in NYC. Please say yes. Please. Please.

It’s not that things are bad right now, not really, but they are definitely at a blind turn. So, I can only wonder what and where I would be next year or 5 years down the line. Just hope, I’m still not in Gotham. That would be the saddest thing apart from many other things that could happen.

I don’t know why I’m talking to you today, guess it’s because I can’t stop wondering if things would ever change like good-change. Would I ever get to stop being Batman, will there ever be a day I would leave Gotham and what about true love? I guess, my probability of finding water on Mars is way more than finding true love on earth. So, I just hope if not love at least you would have travel stories or a new job adventures going on.

Happiness is just a word and I know even if you have some of the things that I dream about, or wish for, you’d still be not happy happy. That’s not your fault. We have been stained by the ache so bad; there is no detergent to wash it away. But, if you are traveling or doing something you love its almost being happy. Not getting panic attacks anymore is the closest to happiness you would ever be. That I know. More than anything, I wish you are no longer lying cause if you are then I guess you too would find yourself with a letter like this for the 10 years later version of me. I know you too would want to know what I want to know, if the hiding and crying has stopped or not.

Yesterday and Today were crazy days at Gotham, which made me wonder what have I earned or learned in past 8 years, in terms of the work thing. Personally, of course, past 8 years have given, taken and taught a lot.

Among all the questions of who and what I’m 5 years from now, I have to ask this…Are you still writing? Did you manage to find a way to share your stories? Dear me 5 years from now, please be whatever and whoever, just don’t give up on the stories in your head even if it’s just for your eyes, because these stories are the only thing that have kept me going along with few good people. So, I hope you still have your stories and those few good people with you. If you have, I know you are okay and I’m going to be okay whether things are not what you and I want.

Hoping and wishing best,

Little from 2015

P.S No matter what, just keep hanging on.

P.P.S If the voices in your head are still mean, ignore. Like I’m doing right now, while writing this post.

 

Dancing inside my head…!!!!

Everything is crazy right now inside my head, it’s all a big mess but the funniest thing is that despite of all the twistiness inside me I today mark 6 years in Gotham city. It’s a big day for me for many many many reasons. Not just because I complete 6 years in a company but because I had an unbelievable journey in past 6 years.

The day I gave my interview changed a lot for me, in fact changed everything for me. I love my self but don’t consider myself as a good person, or a responsible one, and when I see at this one and the only achievement of my life I feel emotional. Wasn’t I standing on the wrong side of the edge when I got this job? These past 6 years gave me friends, responsibility, a sense of self respect and saved me from my own darkness. Yes I’m all twisty again but the journey I had saved me.

One fine day I’m sitting in my dentist’s room with my mouth wide open and some kind of drilling equipment making scary noises, when I get a call about some job interview. I’m young, I’m lost and I’m blue in a bad way so I dismiss it but a friend of mine convinces me saying just an interview probably. I get up next day and ask myself what’s the harm in going; I have to find a job anyhow. And I walk in to an interview that changed everything.

My first salary was nothing but the feeling it gave me to my dark and twisty self, it was priceless. I have spent a large amount of my grown up life crying at night, feeling guilty and being ultra blue but when I got  my first cheque, bought a phone from my own salary, paid for my car and completed 6 years …every single moment was like God telling me ‘Hang on’…!!!

My parents are proud of me, I know they are disappointed and worried but they have a sense of pride because I’m independent. This is a big thing for me, because I have always lived in fear of being a failure both professionally and personally. So when I look at this thing that I have with this job I feel good about myself, like I’m not that lost.

Though I see myself becoming the person I was before I had this job and before I met my saviour, I feel so happy right now. I’m grateful and thankful, yes I may never sound like someone who respect what I have but I’m. Unfortunately I have lost my control over my emotions and the right-time-right-face ability.

In these 6 years I have also made friends I am so thankful for. Every time I thank God for this job, I also say thank-you for the people I met. Maybe that’s why it gets so difficult now at Gotham but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate having it in my life.

Right now I’m high on emotions and I am missing a friend, someone who made my journey an adventure. You don’t meet people so amazing just like that; you need to have my kind of luck.

This day was my Dawn when I needed it back then, just like I need one again. Some days are so important that no amount of twistiness can take it from you, so you smile even when you had forgotten to because it’s like Christmas you just have to have that shine.

 

Something from Dominique…!!!!

I could see her sitting on the living room couch laughing with him, like they were watching something on television. My mother had this laugh that made everything look beautiful and everyone else happy. I knocked but they couldn’t hear the knock so I tried to ring the bell but they weren’t looking at the door or at me. I could see them right there busy watching the television and unaware of my presence.

“Hey Mom, Dad” I screamed “it’s me Dom, please open” I rang again and again. The bell noise was getting louder and louder but they were still not looking at me. I did not give up, I pressed it again and again and then she looked up with anger in her eyes like she wasn’t happy to have me there. I woke up realising I was dreaming and my phone was ringing, rubbing my eyes I looked around at the bottle of vodka next to me. Dammit! Dom I cursed myself realising what I did last night. I picked up the phone thinking it must be Mike. Why did you call him?  I asked myself

“Hello?” I was feeling guilty about last night

“Open the damn door” It was Kristine

“You are outside?” I asked

“Will you open it?” she sounded irritated. I walked up to the door, while trying to fix my hair and rubbing my eyes.

“Why the fuck wont you open the door. I was ringing the bell like crazy, I got scared you know” she barged inside

“Good morning to you too” I smiled shaking my head at her language. Even after being friends with her for over 6 months I was still not used to her cursing all the time.

“God! You look like a mess” she took a seat on the couch “was someone here last night? Are you with someone? Is that why you won’t open?” “I have been ringing the bell and calling you. I was about to break the door you know.”

“Okay stop” I was now laughing. What was it about her that made everything lively and colourful I asked myself. “I was sleeping. Sorry, I think I must have overslept”

“Hmm…Okay. Get ready then, will get your breakfast on the way.”

“Where are we going?” I was trying to clean the bed, was glad Kristine hadn’t seen the box of pictures on the floor.

“Shopping, you remember I have to buy something for my cousin’s wedding.” She stretched on the couch “I don’t know why Tim makes me do this. I don’t even know my cousin’s full name and I have to go to her wedding”

“Okay, but can we make a stop at Mike’s. He wanted to see me, it will take just 15 minutes” I asked while trying to find something to wear.

“Cool. How’s Annie?”

“Good, good” I screamed from the bathroom. I was dreading the day, because I knew Mike would question me and ask me to stay with him and Annie for few days. I wasn’t in mood to shop, but saying no would mean questions. There was no way to find out if Tim had told Kristine about what happened in the university. Something told me maybe Tim didn’t, because it was unlike Kristine to not ask me about it.

“Hey, you still there?” I asked from inside the shower. Kristine was too silent.

“Ya, ya. I’m here. Just relaxing”

“Just 2 minutes” I hurried up. What was Emily doing here?  I wondered. I quickly got out of the shower, changed in to a black t-shirt and blue denims, put on my shoes and declared “I’m Ready. Let’s go”.

“So my dad called last night” Kristine said as she drove here Lexus “He is like Molly, my cousin, wanted my phone number so she could call me and invite me”

“Now why would she do that?” She paused “I think he is just finding excuses to call me and talk to me. Yes that’s the thing. I’m sure. Tim thinks I’m crazy. Am I crazy?”

“Am I crazy?”

“Am I crazy? Dom?” Suddenly the car stopped with a screeching noise jerking both of us in front

“What? What the hell happened?” “Are you okay?” I was worried. She looked okay and there was no car in front of us.

“There, you are awake now” she was laughing

“What? Kristine why do you do this?” I snapped. Kristine started the engine and drove in silence for next few minutes. I looked at her and cursed myself for losing my cool; I cursed Emily for showing up and acting like nothing ever happened.

“I’m sorry” I said “and yes you are crazy. Tim is right.”

“Really? You too? O god, why do you both have to be so much alike?” she threw her hands up in the air. She wasn’t mad, which was a relief.

“Sorry I guess I didn’t sleep well last night.” I apologised again.

“Well I guess I will have to buy you a Kristine special coffee today” she looked in a good mood. Keep it together Dom, Keep it together I begged myself to not fall into pieces.

“Okay you go ahead I will park and come” She said. I got out and started walking towards the house. Mike and Annie lived in a big two storied house in the Manhattan suburbs with a beautiful lawn. The door was open which usually meant either Mike was at home or there were guests at home; I hoped it was some neighbour not wanting to face Mike.

“Hey anybody home?” I froze when I saw her in front of me. I thought my legs were going to give up as I stood there face to face with mother. She was looking like she always did, pretty and beautiful. She was with Annie when I entered; the looks on their faces were enough to tell me no one was expecting me. Annie looked worried and my mom uninterested.

“Mom?” I barely managed the words

“Annie I will go upstairs now. I think I need rest.” She ignored me and started walking. I felt bad for Annie for being caught between my mother and me.

“Sorry, got stuck at the parking spot” I forgot about Kristine. With my mother in front of me, not wanting to acknowledge my presence, I could not think straight.

“Hi I’m Kristine” She smiled at my mother.

“I do not care who you are young lady.” She said

“Mom, please. She is my friend”

“How do I know what kind of friend she is?” my mother looked at Kristine and then back at me.

“I’m sorry? Did I do something to annoy you?” Kristine asked

“Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to your parents, kids like you have brought nothing but shame to their parents”

“Pam, please.” Annie interrupted

“Annie I’m sorry I know it’s your house. I should not be rude with your guests.” She walked away “Please let me know when we can sit again and continue our discussion”

“Dom, I’m sorry I didn’t know she was coming.” Annie looked at me with apologetic eyes “She just came this morning. Said she wanted to give surprise to Mike. I’m so sorry…if I knew I”

“Ann, you don’t have to apologise. Please don’t” I smiled at her “Tell Mike I came and I will come back again.” I hugged her and assured her that nothing was her fault. Annie has loved me more than my own mother and I knew how much it was hurting her inside for not just standing there and not being able to stop  my mother.

Kristine did not ask me a thing while we drove towards the city. I knew there were hundreds of questions going on inside her head but she said nothing. We both pretended like nothing happened and went on to the shopping spree, although she did not shop much and we decided to end the day early.

First Emily and then my mother, I wasn’t sure why suddenly everything was coming back to me after one year.