Thank you for letting me be your human!!!!

Yesterday I lost my puppy and it’s hurting like hell. You think you know what losing a dog feels like because you’ve lost one before, but you’re wrong. It hits you with just as much force as it did the first time, leaving you gasping for air.

Every day when he was on that IV looking at me with lost and scared eyes, all I could wonder was what’s going on inside his head. Is he thinking that it hurts and his humans are not doing anything? Was he thinking please make it stop? We tried puppy, we did. We just couldn’t make it better for you. We were hurting too. We still are.

Thank you for coming into our lives, thank you for the 5 months, thank you for making me want to come back home every day. Today I walked inside and almost yelled ‘Lily I’m home’ but I didn’t… I just stood there in pain realizing you’ve gone.

My brother always used to say ‘Stop calling him Lily, you’re making him a girl’ but I don’t know why I couldn’t stop calling Leo Lily especially when I was trying to pet him. When I would scold him I would say Leo no but when I would kiss him, pet him and spoil him I just automatically end up calling him Lily.

My little baby shark, eat machine, doofus, Voldemort and chuck. God! I had hundreds of pet names for him. Now I’m left with just mental snapshots of his last two painful days, the sad scared and hurting eyes staring at nothing. I so badly want him to come back and its okay if he wants to eat my socks, destroy my slippers, tear up the pillow and not listen to me every time I rolled my eyes and said ‘Leo sit please just sit’.

People ask me are you okay and I say I’m fine but little sad. Truth is I’m not sad, I’m something else. The emptiness I’m feeling right now is crazy, feels like somebody is punching me from inside. How can you be okay after losing a little kid? For 3 days I have been picking him up, driving to Vet, cleaning his blood, touching his forehead asking ‘Leo baby what happened’, begging him to get better, asking God to make him better and then I saw him take his breath. I told the doctor that wait I just saw him move, check again please. He did, again and again for me.

Lily I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it okay for you, couldn’t stop the pain. I’m so so sorry puppy. I will always keep you in my heart. Always.

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Don’t quite know, how to say how I feel…!!!!!

Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.

For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life  am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.

Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy

The carousel never stops moving

I miss my Alfred…!!!!!

Today I went to a shop and while I was looking around I saw Pedigree there. I started looking through the different products, the dog bones, the food and the stuff for dental hygiene etc and then for a second I almost said to myself “this dental thing looks good I should get this” and then it struck me, I don’t have a dog. It struck me I keep forgetting my Snowy has gone forever. It broke my already broken heart to million more pieces.

I miss my Snowy so much, some days it gets unbearable. When I see people walking their dogs, I feel like hugging their pets for I miss mine. God! It hurts so much.

Sometimes I dream a dream of him and that’s when it hurts the most because it feels so real and then I end up waking to a hole left by him. He was my life. He was Alfred to my Batman.

Dear Puppy,

I miss you so much that it hurts every single day…!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So, i have a cat named San Francisco…!

When i was this tiny little, very tiny, girl i had a cat. She wasnt like a regular pet, she used to come visit us every other day and a friend and i used to give her milk, play with her and then she used to walk away. She used to come whenever she was hungry. We named her “Dimple”. I dont know remember much about how we named her, who named her and what made her be friends with us. I was in 1st grade. Like 1991.

So, funny thing is, for past few weeks a cat has been visiting us almost daily. I dont know how it started but i think this cat was coming every other day and my mom (who doesn’t like cat much) left a bowl of milk for her outside. And now she is a regular visitor and we give her milk. She is super cute, tiny brown thing that i want to hug but she doesn’t let me get close.

I named her San Francisco. I dont know what’s weird the fact that i have a CAT or that i named her/him San Francisco.

Weird for its like Deja Vu…

It gets interesting because now there are two cats, San Francisco has a friend or a relative who also sometimes visits us for milk. I named that one Arizona.

I think i want to grow old as that lady who has lots of cats and dogs…

Today, i googled on a local animal shelter because i want to go do some donation…Man! i miss my love Snowy so much.

Leaving you guys with super duper cute Minions movie…love minions…

www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=622329054485649

 

Its been a year now…!!!!

tippy

Last year on this day i lost my Snowy and it kind of has affected me so much that i, some days, dream that he is back. I know some people dont think losing a pet is a loss big enough, but for me it is. I met him when i was this young little teenager, a school girl, and we both grew up together.

13 years of togetherness, 13 years of coming home to his happy face, 13 years of him dragging me out of my bed ever morning, 13 years of him sleeping at the corner of my bed, 13 years of my talking to him about life when no one was around, 13 years of him and me being best friends, 13 years of him running away from bath with shampoo all over him and me running around the house trying to get him back to the bath, 13 years of him staring at me with those big black eyes every time i had a chocolate in my hand, 13 years of he and me playing Hide n Seek at home with him being confused when i would call his name and hide and not to be found….

13 years of every day and night being around. He was family and it hurts to not see him around, it hurts to go through a whole year knowing its not a dream. He died right in front of me, he was sick and in pain. That one month i didn’t sleep well because i would get up at night to check up on him. because i was worried and scared, because he was unwell.

He was my savior. I don’t think i can ever get over this pain.

I don’t think anyone knows what this day means to me, how much it hurts to think of this day, how hard it has been to keep this one memory deep inside and locked.

I miss coming home and calling his name…every evening i would just open the door and say “Tippy im home”…

Note to 2014…I dig Happy Endings !!!!! – Part2

I know I’m supposed to be asleep by now, as per my resolution list. I did nothing from my list of things I want to do with New Year on the horizon, except evening jog in freakin cold weather.

I had four days off from Gotham and I can’t believe vacation is over. I don’t know if 2014 is going to be a great year, because I can never say that about any year. I can only hope it’s the year when I get Dawn. You know I felt the same about 2013 or 2012 but alas I am still waiting.

I don’t have speeches about how 2013 did things for me and how I expect amazing things from 2014, because at the end it’s me. I’m happy now, blue next moment. But yes, 2013 was a year with so much happening. It took Snowy from me something I would never forget no matter what year comes and goes. I lost a friend and 2013 would never leave my memory.

2013 was also the year, when I sent my story to publishing houses. That’s like crossing a check point in my bucket list. Yeah! I know I ain’t a published writer and might never be. But I took a step. Huge step. It’s like a big thing for me, to write and complete a novel and send it to a publication house. Big thing. Makes me feel proud of me. Only thing I have to cherish when it comes to my achievements because most of the time I’m drowning in self pity.

I don’t know if 2014 is going to good or bad…I do know I have another turn on my route to Dawn. I can only hope and have faith this turn would bring me closer to happiness, love, truth, freedom and myself.

I wanted to be so many thing when I was growing up, even a house wife at one point, but today right now all I want to be is Happy. And I would like to believe 2014 is the year I would get that…happiness.

I’m scared of 2014 like i was scared of 2013 or the year before, but lets just keep that between you and me and let 2014 think i am Awesome…!!!! 🙂

Happy New Year to all of you 🙂 😀

Little misses her little dog…!!!!

I might get my Dawn but i wont ever have you back in my life…i miss you everyday…I miss you trying to fall all over the laptop to get my attention, i miss your happy and jumpy welcome on entering the house, i miss your stubbornly cute face when you had to have what i was eating…i miss everything…i miss you so so much.

Some days, like right now, your absence hits like a sucker punch. Its sad that i can have everything in life, even the most impossible ones like freedom from blues, happy ending and my dawn but what i cant EVER have is you back in my life, what i cant have is all those years of you and me growing up together all over again.